The Outrageous Wisdom of Mullah Nasruddin!!

Want to read more stories involving this legendary sardonic Sage from the Middle Ages?? Its easy! Just visit my earlier blogs: 1. "The inimitable Mullah Naseeruddin." 2. "The Tales of Mullah Naseeruddin continues.....this time a score!" 3. "As you sow, so you reap." 4. "Return to Mullah Naseeruddin....." and 5. "Mullah Naseeruddin...once more!!" and relive the good old days of your childhood... when "Tinkle" was an inseparable part of our lives.....

1) The Mullah and the Scholar: Once, Mullah Nasruddin was ferrying a Scholar across a river and said something ungrammatical to him. "Have you ever studied grammar?" asked the Scholar. "No," replied the Mullah. "Then half your life has been wasted," said the Scholar looking pityingly at him. Sometime later the Mullah turned to his passenger, "Have you ever learnt to swim?" he asked. "No," replied the Scholar. "Then your whole life has been wasted," said Nasruddin. "We're sinking."

2) Putting off the evil day: Mullah Nasruddin once told a friend, "Well, I have been putting off the evil day for months now, but I have got to go this time."

- ''Dentist or Doctor?" inquired the friend.

- "Neither," said Nasruddin, "I am getting married."

3) The Important thing: One day, Nasruddin was repairing the tiles on the roof of his house. While Nasruddin was working on the roof, a stranger knocked on the door.

- "What do you want?" Nasruddin shouted.

- "Come down," replied the stranger, "So I can tell it. Its an important thing."

At this, Nasruddin slowly and reluctantly climbed down the ladder.

- "Well!" replied Nasruddin, "what was the important thing?"

- "Could you give a little money to this poor old man?" begged the stranger.

The tired Nasruddin started to climb up the ladder and said, "Follow me up to the roof."

When both Nasruddin and the beggar were up on the roof, Nasruddin said, "The answer is no!"

4) The Guest of Honour: One day Nasruddin went to a banquet. As he was dressed rather shabbily, no one let him in. So he ran home, put on his best robe and fur coat and returned. Immediately, the host came over, greeted him and ushered him to the head of an elaborate banquet table.

When the food was served, Nasruddin took some soup with a spoon and pushed it into the pocket of his fur coat and said, "Eat my fur coat, eat! It's obvious that you're the real guest of honour today, not me!"

5) The Lord's own servant: Mullah Nasruddin was unemployed and poor but somehow he got a little money to eat beans and pilaf at a cheap restaurant. He ate and examined the people walking past the restaurant with the corner of his eye. He noticed a tall, handsome, swashbuckler standing behind a crowd. The Man was well dressed from head to foot, wearing a velvet turban (a kind of headdress), silver embroidered vest, silk shirt, satin baggy-trousers and carrying a golden scimitar (a short sword with a curved blade).

Mullah Nasruddin pointed towards the man and asked the restaurant keeper, "Who is that man over there!"

- "He is Fehmi Pasha's servant," answered the restaurant keeper.

Mullah Nasruddin sighed deeply, looked up at the sky and said, "Oh, my Good Lord! Look at that Fehmi Pasha's servant and look at your own servant, here."

6) Playing the 'Zurna': Once, Mullah Nasruddin wished to learn to play the 'zurna' (a double-reed outdoor wind instrument, usually accompanied by a davul {bass drum} in Anatolian folk music. The name 'zurna' is thought to have come from the word 'surnay', translated as 'sur' {a large banquet} and 'nay' {cane or reed}) ..... and therefore visited a 'zurna' player.

- "How much does it cost to learn to play the 'zurna'?" asked Mullah Nasruddin.

- "Three hundred akche (coin) for the first lesson and one hundred akche for the next lessons," said zurna player.

- "It sounds good," replied Mullah Nasruddin. "We may start with the second lesson. I was a shepherd when I was a young boy, so I already had some experience at whistling. It must be good enough for the first lesson, isn't it?"

7) Moons and Stars: "Mullah! What do they do with the old full moons?" asked someone.

- "They cut them up into small pieces and make the stars," answered Nasruddin.

8) The art of carrying a coffin: "Mullah Nasruddin, which side must I walk when carrying a coffin, at the front, back, left or right?"

- "Take which ever position you like best, so long as you're not inside, its fine!" replied Nasruddin.

9) Centre of the World: One day, some people asked Mullah Nasruddin, "Could you tell us the exact location of the center of the world?"

- "Yes, I can," replied Mullah Nasruddin. "It is just under the left hind leg of my donkey."

- "Well, maybe! But do you have any proof?"

- "If you doubt my word, just measure and see for yourselves," responded Nasruddin.

10) The meaning of 'Fate': Someone asked Mullah Nasruddin, "What is the meaning of fate, Mullah Nasruddin?"

- "Assumptions," Mullah Nasruddin replied.

- "In what way?" the man asked again.

Mullah Nasruddin looked at him and said, "You assume that things are going to go well, and they don't - that's called 'bad luck'. You assume things are going to go badly and they don't - that's called 'good luck'. You assume that certain things are going to happen or not happen - and since you lack intuition you don't know what is going to happen. You assume that the future is unknown. Therefore, when you are caught out - you call that 'Fate'.

11) Nasruddin's judgement: 'Qazi' (Judge) Nasruddin was working in his room one day when a neighbour ran in and said, "If one man's cow kills another's, is the owner of the first cow responsible?"

- "It depends," answered Nasruddin.

- "Well," said the man, "your cow has killed mine."

- "Oh," answered Nasruddin. "Everyone knows that a cow cannot think like a human, so a cow is not responsible, and that means that its owner is not responsible either."

- "I'm sorry, Judge," said the man. "I made a mistake. I meant that my cow killed your cow."

Now, Nasruddin, the Judge thought for a few seconds and then replied, "When I think about it more carefully, this case is not as easy as I thought at first." And then he turned to his clerk and said, "Please bring me that big black book from the shelf behind you..."

12) Nasruddin riding backwards on his donkey: One day, Nasruddin arrived in the town, riding his donkey. The people stopped him to ask, "Why are you sitting backwards on your donkey?"

He replied, "I know where I am going, I want to see where I have been."

13) Scoring a century: Mullah Nasruddin became very aged; he attained a hundred years. A reporter came to see him, because he was the oldest citizen around those parts. The reporter said, "Nasruddin, there are a few questions I would like to ask. One is, do you think you will be able to live a hundred years more?" Nasruddin replied, "Of course, because a hundred years ago I was not as strong as I am now."

A hundred years ago, he was a child, a newborn, so he said, "A hundred years ago I was not as strong as I am now, and if a small child, helpless and weak, could survive for a hundred years, why shouldn't I?"

14) The Mullah's diet: Mullah Nasruddin was getting fatter and fatter, stouter and stouter. The doctor advised a diet. After two months, the Mullah went to see the doctor. The doctor said, "My God! It is a miracle! You are even fatter than before - I cannot believe my eyes! Are you strictly following the diet I gave you? Are you eating only that which I prescribed and nothing else?"

Nasruddin said, "Nothing whatever! Of course I'm following your diet."

The doctor couldn't believe it. He asked, "Tell me, Nasruddin, nothing whatever?"

Nasruddin said, "Of course! Except my regular meals." Regular meals PLUS the diet the doctor has prescribed...!

15) Nasruddin - the Magistrate: Mullah Nasruddin was once chosen as the Honorary Magistrate. The first case appeared in his Court. He heard one side of the argument and declared to the Court, "Within five minutes I will be back with the judgment." The Court Clerk could not believe it - he had not heard the argument of the other side! The Clerk whispered in his ear, "What are you doing? Don't you see a simple thing? You have heard only one party, one side. The other side is waiting, and without hearing them you cannot give any judgment. "

Mullah Nasruddin replied, "Don't try to confuse me. Right now I am absolutely clear. If I hear the other side too, then there is bound to be a confusion."

16) The Doctor and the Lawyer: One day a friend met Mullah Nasruddin on the road. He was walking with his two children. The friend asked, "How are your two children?"

Nasruddin responded, "Both are good."

The friend then asked, "How old are they?"

The Mullah replied, "The doctor is five and the lawyer is seven!"

17) Angel: One day, a friend of Mullah Nasruddin was talking to him. He said, "My wife is an angel."

At this, the Mullah said, "But mine is still alive."

18) Pretty girl: As a pretty girl passed by, Mullah Nasruddin turned to look at her. His wife grumbled, "Every time you see a pretty girl you forget you are married."

- "That's where you are wrong," said the Mullah. "Nothing makes me more aware of the fact!"

19) Nasruddin at the 'Turkish bath': Nasruddin went to a 'Turkish bath'. As he was poorly dressed the attendants treated him in a casual manner, gave him only a scrap of soap and an old towel. When he left, Nasruddin gave the two men a gold coin each. He had not complained, and they could not understand it. Could it be, they wondered that if he had been better treated he would have given an even larger tip? The following week Nasruddin appeared again. This time, of course, he was treated like a King. After being massaged, perfumed and treated with the utmost deference, he left the bath, handing each attendant the smallest possible copper coin.

- "This," said Nasruddin, "is for my previous visit. The gold coins were for this week."

20) Hair on his coat: Mullah Nasruddin was caught again and again (by his wife) with some woman's hair on his coat. He asked a friend for help.

The friend said, "It is simple. Before entering the house, you just clean your coat. Carry a brush always."

Nasruddin said, "That's a good idea! It never occurred to me, so simple!"

He found a brush. Before entering his house, he thoroughly cleaned his coat, suit and shirt. His wife looked at his coat, at his shirt, and then..... simply started beating her head and crying and screaming! Nasruddin asked, "What has happened? There is no hair at all!"

She said, "That's why I am crying. It seems you have started loving some bald woman!"

21) Nasruddin at the race course: One day, Mullah Nasruddin was gambling in a horse race. First race: he lost; second, he lost; third - same fate..... he went on losing. Whereas, the two ladies sitting by his side (in a box) were continuously winning every race. Then at the seventh race he could no longer contain his curiosity. What system were they following? Every race, and it was now the seventh, they had been the winners while he had lost all of them, and he had been working so hard for a win! So, he gathered some courage, leaned over, and asked the ladies, "You are doing very well?"

They replied, happily, "Yes." They were beaming with joy.

So he whispered, "Can you tell me about your system? Just a hint."

One lady said laughingly, "We have a lot of systems! But today we have decided to go for long tails."

22) Nasruddin visits a Psychiatrist: Once, Mullah Nasruddin was being analyzed by a Psychiatrist. After many months of analysis, many meetings, the Psychiatrist said, while the Mullah lay on the couch, "This is what I feel, this is what I conclude, you need to fall in love, you need a beautiful feminine object. Love is your need."

The Mullah said, "Between you and me, don't you think love is silly?"

The Psychiatrist said, "Between you and me? It would be absurd!"

23) The 'Kaftan': Old Mullah Nasruddin had become a very rich man. When he felt death approaching he decided to make some arrangements for his funeral. He ordered for a beautiful coffin made of ebony wood with satin pillows inside. He also had a beautiful silk Kaftan made for his dead body to be dressed in. The day the tailor delivered the Kaftan, Nasruddin tried it on to see how it would look, and suddenly exclaimed, "What is this! Where are the pockets?"

24) The Mullah is bored: One day, Mullah Nasruddin was tired, weary and bored. He called for his limousine, got in and said to the Chauffeur, "James! Drive at full speed.....over the cliff. I have decided to commit suicide."

25) Quiet during Khutbah: Once, Mullah Nasruddin, the 'Imam' of a Masjid (Mosque), and also the father of two young children, was about to enter the Masjid to give the Khutbah (Friday sermon). Before he entered the Mosque, he reminded them (his children) to be quiet - especially when he is delivering his 'Khutbah'.

He then asked his children, "And why is it necessary to be quiet during Jummah?"

Little Ahmed jumped up and yelled, "Because people are all sleeping!"

26) Saints' Brain: Once, Mullah Nasruddin visited a store. He found rare tropical fruits from the jungles of South America and many strange delicacies from Africa and the Middle East. In one corner he found a counter with several trays of human brains. There were politicians' brains at $1 per pound, engineers' brains at $2 per pound, and there was one tray with Saints' brains at $50 per ounce.

Since all the brains looked very much alike, he asked the man behind the counter, "Why do you charge so much more for the Saints' brain?"

The man peered out from behind his glasses and answered, "Do you have any idea how many Saints we have to go through to get a pound of brain?"

27) The broken glasses: One day, a worried Nasruddin visited a friend and said, "Ah, poor Mr. Jones. Did you hear, what happened to him? He tripped at the top of the staircase, fell down the whole flight, banged his head and died."

Shocked, his friend replied, "Died?"

- "Died," Nasruddin repeated with emphasis, "and broke his glasses too!"

28) Nasruddin and the Falling Woman: Once, a woman was standing on her balcony, on the 12th floor, when she accidentally fell off. As she is falling down, Father O'Reilly caught her from his balcony on the 9th floor.

Grateful for saving her, she said, "Oh, Thank you, you saved my life, I'll do anything for you!"

Father O'Reilly replied, "Okay then, sleep with me!"

- "In your dream, you pig!" the woman retorted.

- "Fine," said Father O'Reilly, shrugging his shoulder and then let go of her.

As the woman is falling again, Rabbi Goldberg caught her from his balcony on the 6th floor.

Again, being grateful, she said, "Oh, Thank you, you saved me, I'll do anything that you ask!"

Rabbi Goldberg said, "Okay then, sleep with me!"

- "You must be joking, you ape!" the woman replied.

- "Well, good bye then," responded Rabbi Goldberg and he lets go of her.

Now, as she is falling, yet again, she thought to herself that it would have been better if she had slept with either the Rabbi or the Priest.

But as luck would have it, this time she lands in the arms of Mullah Nasruddin who is standing on his balcony on the 3rd floor.

She cuts to the point, "Thank you handsome, you saved my life, I'll sleep with you!"

- "Astaqfirullah!" gasps Mullah Nasruddin and he lets go of her.....!

29) The 'Truth': "I do not know what the 'Truth' is," began a 'Dervish' after listening to one of Nasruddin's infrequent lectures..... but that was not it! Nasrudin began to tear his clothes and shouted, "Such expertise! Knowing what one does not know. If only I could know what I do not know."

30) Sweetest of all: "And are mine the only lips, Nasruddin, that you have ever kissed?" asked she.

- "Yes," said Nasruddin, "and they are the sweetest of all!"

Photograph: A cartoon depicting Mullah Nasruddin and his wife.