Thursday, December 29, 2011

Methinks ... this one is Mushy-Immy-gate! (Part-V)

Author's note: You can read the 1st part here, the 2nd part here, the 3rd part here and the 4th part here. 

The 'tsunami' that was being promised by the great and legendary Immy Khan for the past 3 months, has finally arrived (a few days back) in the 'land of the puree'. After his speech (in Kasur) where he lashed out rather harangued the current rulers as 'looters and plunderers', the people attending the rally ran away with the brand new chairs - 25,000 in all, and costing a whopping 1 million! His spokesperson-cum-advisor-on-foreign-affairs - Dr. Shireen Hazard - said that the people did not 'loot' the chairs; they carried them away peacefully! :D :D

The rally was held to mark the occasion of the joining of (Mushy's Foreign Minister) Khurshid Mahmud 'Kursi' - into the PTI fold. Along with "game changer II" Shah Mehmood Gaznavi (the possessor of considerable thespian talents) as well as Sardar Asseff Ahmad Alif Laila (a closet poet) now in its ranks - that makes it three former Foreign Ministers who had overseen Foreign Affairs - at some point or the other. Purrfect for the legendary Immy Khan, I say. This is because Foreign Affairs need esspesal attention.

Next time the 'tsunami' may sweep away the stage along with Immy Khan on it, as well as their 'savarnity' or 'savrain-tee' - whichever they may prefer!

A word of advice: Looti hui daulat waapas laanay sey pehley looti hui kursian tau ley aao 'tsunami'-inducing logonn!!!

But then, that would mean registering an FIR, etc and that in-turn might open up that proverbial Pandora's Box - containing such small but uncomfortable matters like how much was spent on this rally and other rallies, where the Vitamin M ... err ... funds came from, what is the source of the un-Tyrian-ing Immy Khan's wealth, etc. So, silence is golden and silence is the better part of valour. So, Shhhhh.

Meanwhile migratory birds - especially those from Mushy's erstwhile party, the Q (for the Question mark - ?) League - continue to flock to Immy Khan's party, the PTI (Pakistani Tsunami by Immy) that has now also transformed into the Pakistani Turncoat Ittehad. Immy Khan must apply for an appropriate party symbol - commensurate with his until-now-sidelined party's (suddenly) new-found "game changer" status.

And all this while affidavits and rejoinders pile up with the 'independent' black-coat-wallahs, who incidentally will lose those black-coats and even their inner-wears and skins if they were to ever think of showing their 'independence' to or with the shining-boot-wallahs and ISI-certified folks. 'Coz their much-touted 'independence' flows from you-know-where, and in turn the latter's 'independence' flows from you-know-where.

Umm, not sure why though, but this Manzoor Ijaz-zat increasingly reminds me of the Chote Mian of the 'main nahi manta, main nahi janta' fame.

I deliberated on this and also on the strangely aa-bail-mujhe-maar-worded 'memo' supposedly delivered through the discredited Manjoor Ijaz-zat. I raked my memory and sure enough recollected old wine, sorry rooh afza, in new bottle.

Back in 1990, when Zardari's assassinated better half - Benazir Bhutto - then the PM, had to be dismissed - the term "security risk" and a "letter" purportedly written by her, were the preferred "brahmastra".

And sure enough, a "letter" that she "wrote" to her long time friend, Amb. Peter Galbraith, who was also Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee then (in the am-Bushed land of the five-sided polygon that you must SeeIA) - asking him to "use his influence on" the then Indian PM - to "engage the Pakistani army on the borders so that they do not impede in my way", materialized out of thin air.

That the letter was dated 24th September (more than a month and half after her dismissal) and peppered with glaring errors apart from poor English, made no difference; and Benazir and her government was sent packing by the then President Ghulami Ishaq Khaini - a very upright and honourable man (who was also an honest bureaucrat, according to their media) - on 6th August 1990, less than 20 months of coming into power.

For those who are confused, let me explain and simplify matters. A "letter" (purportedly) written by Benazir and dated 24th September 1990 was used to dismiss the 1st govt. of Benazir Bhutto - on 6th August 1990; after duly labeling her as a "security risk" along with a slew of corruption charges - as an advance Christmas-cum-New-Year gift.

Note: in order to further simplify matters: A "letter" (purportedly written by Benazir) dated 24th September 1990 was used to dismiss the 1st govt. of Benazir Bhutto - on 6th August 1990. You get it, no? Just look at the months mentioned for crystal-clear clarity.

All her protestations and appeals to the highest court in the 'land of the puree' came to naught, and the impartial courts dismissed her pleas and petitions with uncharacteristic speed and alacrity (something they have always reserved and displayed for Benazir and her father, and later for her husband too; hereditary black-coat and beret, I tell you!)

That her 1st govt. had lasted barely 20 months and had succeeded the brutal Zia-wool-Haq regime that ruled with a very heavy hand as well as an iron fist, for nearly a dozen years; leaving Pak a more than bankrupt nation that was also teeming with drug addicts, criminals, Afghan refugees, a thriving Kalashnikov culture and various "warriors" apart from being a hotbed for sectarian strife - cut no ice. So 'corruption' rather "kruption" it was.

Also, how the son of a village patwari - made his mega fortune while remaining a very "upright and honourable" man, who was also as an "honest" bureaucrat, was/is conveniently never asked.

But, all the media sound and fury notwithstanding, those who have followed the events then, will remember that the real reason of that elaborate "letter" saga was - iRaq. The 1st Am-Bushed-White House and their cronies and backers were unsure that she would play ball vis-à-vis their grand plans in the then Sad-dam-ed iRaq.

The elections thereafter - held under a care-taker regime headed by Benazir's staunch opponents, those she had shown the door from her party, brought in the desired "change" - in the shape of a landslide for Mian Naraaz Sharif.

These elections were duly certified as "free and fair" by (yo)UN and the am-Bushed-land-of-the-five-sided-polygon. As for the ballots, "angels" worked miracles ... yet again.

Even in the (yo)UN and the am-Bushed-land-of-the-five-sided-polygon certified "free and fair" elections of 1988 - held after their noble-and-pious dictator-cum-President Zia-wool-Haq met his maker - the "angels" had worked miracles; reducing the PPP (Pakistan People's Party) headed by Benazir to a wafer-thin majority in the center. Punjab - their most populous (with 60% of population) and politically crucial province was firmly in the hands of the Shareef brothers; and Mian Naraaz Sharif as CM even refused to receive the PM at the airport when she came visiting. The all-powerful shining-boot-wallahs and the beret-cap-wallahs refused to salute the PM - because of her gender. Meaning: she being a female was from the wrong gender (according to them); this is because their mentors and benefactors - from the land of the holy sand, date palms and camels - not just disliked ... but hated her (and still do). And since the you-know-who was just like sunflowers, they followed every movement of the you-know-who.

The then army chief Mirza As-salam Alaykum Beg (he was the top shining-boot-wallah-cum-beret-cap-wallah that refused to salute the PM with the wrong gender) and the then ISI-certified chief - Hamid Gul-badan (who has always moonlighted as Immy Khan's ideological godfather-cum-spiritual guru) along with their cronies went about forging an alliance of motley (right-wing, some of them very rabid) parties - called the IJI (the Islami Jaamroodi Ittehad or the Islamic Demo-crazy Alliance) - and propped up Mian Naraaz Sharif. They also distributed huge funds running into hundreds of millions - in those days; and this was/is suspected to have come from the land of the holy sand (the Big 'O' included). Strangely, this case is pending with their highest court for over two decades now, and while the incumbent highest black coat takes sumo moto notice left, right and center, he has somehow developed jaundice in his eyes when it came to this particular case. Apart from other cases pertaining to Mian Naraaz Sharif and other assorted holy cows, of course. For those, he has developed conjunctivitis also (as I have already mentioned in Part-III of this series). 

The elections of 2008 held under Mushy's watch too was certified as "free and fair" by you-know-who and the victory of the current ruling party was conveniently attributed to the "sympathy wave" (supposedly generated due to the assassination of Benazir). Strangely this party had garnered similar numbers/seats in 2002 and before (during all the "free and fair" elections, courtesy the omnipresent "angels") - in the absence of any "sympathy wave". Still, no one, including the certifiers, deemed it fit to tell us that: if this was the "sympathy wave" then where were the "votes", and if this was the "votes", then where was the "sympathy wave"??

Good question. No answer.

Her party, then headed by Hatim Tai Zardari (in 2008), who was not yet the President then, called it "intelligent rigging" on the part of you-know-who; but these were promptly dismissed by you-know-who and you-know-who.

Let's retrace our steps then.

In 1991, Mian Naraaz Sharif, grateful to be installed on the PM gaddi - gave his "gurudakshina" to his various "gurus" and "mentors" (both internal and external as well as extra-terrestrial) with remarkable speed and alacrity.

Result: Their environment friendly army sent battalions to help the you-know-which forces apart from providing stopover and refueling facilities in the war with the then Sad-dam-ed iRaq (to you-know-which-forces.)

Strangely, all these honourable gentlemen were never honoured with unique epithets and labels such as, "security risk", etc. and that country's gairat (honour) was never compromised - as a result of their many shenanigans.

Let's get back to the 1990 letter episode then.

Btw, that "letter", however, was so patently a forgery that it had made the Islamic Jaamroodi Ittehad (IJI) look foolish; and it almost appeared that a band of brothers got together and drafted that piece, in between plates of Nehari and perhaps Paya too - with ample help and assistance from the friendly "establishment" forces and their cronies.

[Note: The non-elected forces that have exercised power over the land of the puree's destiny are today known as the 'establishment' in their political parlance; and includes the army, intelligence and security apparatus. Their cronies in the media, business, legal community, civil society, various activists, NGOs, etc., too play their due role. Certain forces/powers from beyond it's borders and even across the seven seas are also part of it.]

The 'establishment forces' did other things too - apart from coining the term "security risk" for Benazir; it air-dropped doctored photographs of Benazir and her mother - Begum Nusrat Bhutto, from army helicopters - during the 1988 elections, etc. And spread objectionable propaganda-cum-character assassination against them via the print and electronic media as well as the Internet (apart from unleashing a massive whispering campaign and rumour mongering) - before, during (the 1988 and 1990 elections) and beyond.

Cronies of these forces ran the media campaign against the mother-daughter duo. This being a family blog, I will refrain from re-producing any of those "gems" here. However, I can only say that India and her politicians come out smelling of roses, tuber-roses, brhmakamals, lotus, jasmines and much else when compared to that poisonous, obnoxious, snake pit - across our western border.

Now, cut to 2007.

After Benazir declared that she would return to Pakistan, no matter what, that old "letter" now resembling a yellowed-out, fossilized, Dead Sea scroll made it's grand re-appearance.

Meaning: it was back from the dead and was reprinted in huge ads in several newspapers that were known for their sympathies for you-know-which-forces - by you-know-which politicians and personalities. Mushy's party was perhaps hoping that people had forgotten: that everyone originally thought it was a forgery even when it first appeared. It was Mushy and his team's misdirected and misguided effort to discredit Benazir. It cut no ice.

This so-called memo-gate is nothing but a D-grade attempt to copy that, no?

In 1977, there were large-scale protest rallies (led by a group known as the PNA, thanks to you-know-who and you-know-who), and the black-coat-wallahs were very much a part and parcel of it. Then, Gen. Zia-wool-Haq staged a 'bloodless' coup d'etat and imprisoned the then PM - Zulfiqar Ali Bhutto (ZAB). The highest court came to Zia's aid and duly sent ZAB to the gallows - on a fictitious murder charge. Strangely while fantastic stories of Hatim Tai Zardari and his supposed 'kruption' have been doing the rounds for the past over two decades, it is being 'helpfully' pointed out by members of the 'gairat brigade' that ZAB was never called corrupt, sorry, 'krupt' by anyone - not even his enemies.

What they do not say is that, it still did not prevent his hanging on a fictitious murder charge!

ZAB was deposed in 1977, hanged in 1979 and a few months later we saw the Soviet forces invading Afghumistan, followed by other powerful forces joining in to 'liberate' it. It's still yet to be 'liberated'. Obviously all that did not happen overnight, it required careful planning ... and the ZAB saga was a part of it - and an example was made of him by you-know-who. The hand of the Jimmy Caterer administration has long been suspected behind those mass protests.

In 1990, before the iRaq War (of 1991), Benazir was sent packing because of "inefficiency" (though no files were sent to her for over 6 months, and the bureau fat-cats remained totally un-cooperative, along with a hostile President, opposition, security apparatus, media, et al - but of course, all this was duly ignored) and "kruption" charges (not proven till date) became the mantra of you-know-which-forces.

In 2011, we have this phenomenon called "memogate" - that the black-coat-wallahs are very enthusiastic to pursue, while the shining-boot-wallahs and the ISI-certified folks seem too eager to make the black-coat-wallahs pursue it. Mian Naraaz Sharif - is trying his best to get back into the good-books of his erstwhile benefactors. Hush hush meetings in Turkey seem to have taken place with a top Pesha - to avert noise pollution in the 'land of the puree' obviously; while a certain black-coat's vehicle is said to have entered and left - after three hours - through a certain palatial gate, in the dead of the night - again to save precious daylight, obviously.)

The shining-boot-wallahs and the ISI-certified folks want to stop their 'strategic depth' in the western front and so do their backers from across the seven seas, as well as the land of sand, date palms and camels. They want to "take-out" Syria instead - you can see and read what is emanating from the "relevant quarters" and make your own conclusion. Their next target is iRan - and all efforts are being made to set the stage - for the massive change in architecture there, minus pipelines, but lots of pipe dreams. 

They would also reward the land of the puree's shining-boot-and-beret-cap-wallahs and ISI-certified folks, for services rendered towards quieting the Bahraini protestors, etc. The latter want to resume their misadventures in the eastern front - and the relevant quarters will choose to look the other way or react mutely at best.

Their ahimsa-loving neighbour better be extra vigilant and watchful; 'coz the laal-jhanda-wallahs too are more than willing to lend a helping hand to their environment conscious evergreen brethren.

(More later...)

Picture: Courtesy link.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

When a Lawyer Falls in Love by Amrita Suresh

When a Lawyer Falls in Love - this interestingly titled book is the debut offering of Amrita Suresh, who had decided she wanted to be a novelist while she was still a bespectacled twelve-year-old, and finally managed to pen this one as a bespectacled twenty-two-year-old. So all credit must go to those spectacles, I presume.

It makes for a nice breezy read ... and nowhere does it in any way suggest that a lawyer (including one in the making) should not succumb to the matters of the heart. So lawyers and budding lawyers need not to worry! Come to think of it, there is no law that forbids a lawyer from falling in love too; therefore it is safe to infer that indulging in this activity is constitutionally validated and very much legal - for lawyers that is.

There are lawyers (read: law students) galore in the book, coz it is set in a law college - the All India Universal College or AIU - one of the best in the country; I leave it to your discretion and imagination to infer which one *Smile*

The college also has a great canteen and nobody ever complains of bad food and nobody ever succumbs to exam fever since there is very little mention of it. Their worries - and there is plenty of it - are of a different nature. Also since all the students resides within the college campus, we barely get a glimpse of the city or the state - except for some ice cream or bhutta or chat stalls - outside the campus gates.

The main characters are all third year students, but we do get some amount of flashback into their lives that serve to add and enliven the storyline, as well as aid in kind of fleshing out the characters - sufficiently enough for sustaining the tale.

The Laurel and Hardy pair of the chubby, diminutive, baby-faced Arian, Ankur Palekar and the bean-pole-like six-footer, Vyas Rao; the romantic-at-heart Bengali - Souvik Bose, the linguistically advantaged, brainy Malayali - Pavan Nair, the brawny Rohit Randhwah, the shy monosyllable loving Tamilian - Jaishree Subramaniam and the star-sign and palmistry guru-cum-Gujarati 'lioness' Sonali Shah; their collective trials and tribulations - mostly about their affairs of the heart - real and imaginary or hoped for, and a wee bit about their life in the classrooms or libraries.

There are a few other characters too, like, the graveyard obsessed Caroline D'Silva and her cousin, the would-be electrical engineer - Bhoomika Shetty, Souvik's mother, etc. that serve to garnish this tale that is ostensibly about budding lawyers; but which is in essence a pacey and humourous tale about those distant and not-so-distant carefree salad days when we reveled in our inexperience, enthusiasm, idealism, innocence, and yes indiscretion too.

The lawyers bit is secondary, since we hardly get to read about them being lawyers; it could well have been a tale about a bunch of budding engineers or doctors or management students or history/economics/literature students for that matter. If one were looking forward to those tidbits or nuggets of detail that is specific to law schools and the species that study there, those tales of moot courts, of intense competition and rivalry, of the shenanigans and/or idiosyncrasies of senior lawyers, etc, one would be disappointed. However, we do get some insights into astrology and palmistry and that grabs our attention completely. It is interesting and informative and apart from blending well with the storyline, makes us ponder and wonder.

There isn't much about the "culture" that these characters that people this book come from - real or Bollywood-ized; but generous amounts of the 'variations' that their respective tongues are capable of producing, like: laarn, aarn, sh-ave, po-lees, saw-site-ee, curry-er, kapi, lawyer, whaaire, vary open minded etc. generate a good-natured smile on our lips from time to time. And that, I mean the smile, shows up quite regularly; since the story is a humourous one and the writing style is simple yet breezy and quite easy to connect with. One can get a whiff of Five Point Someone or even its celluloid version 3 Idiots in it.

Book blurb: Ankur Palekar, a third year law student believes his life is quite sorted out. Except that he does not want to become a lawyer, has a family history of lunacy and has actually fallen in love. Vyas, Ankur's roommate and best friend, has no such problems - only a girlfriend who emerges from a grave yard of all places and who insists on visiting him in his boys' hostel. Add to it, a Malayali friend whose car never starts and vocal chords never stop, a law festival that is not completely legal and an arranged marriage which is more deranged than arranged.

My rating: I don't plan to reveal any more than I have already done coz that will be akin to playing the spoiler, and I'd much rather play Santa instead!

There are very few grammatical or editing errors and that makes the reader's journey that much smoother. The book jacket cover is quite well done and attractive and all credit to the author for not opting for a cheesy one instead - the kind we get to see dime a dozen these days. This one is a book that you would love to curl up with, if you are in the mood for a light, breezy read, that is. Don't go looking for insights into the lawyer fraternity or wanting to figure out as to how a hard-nosed, dyed-in-the-wool lawyer could actually manage to fall in love (!) of all things, and you would enjoy reading this book.

I am going with a 3/5 for Amrita Suresh's debut effort.

Details of Book:
When a Lawyer Falls in Love/ Author: Amrita Suresh/ Pages: 230/ ISBN: 8183282059/ ISBN-13: 9788183282055, 978-8183282055/ Publishing Date: 2011/ Publisher: Offshoots/ Binding: Paperback/ Price: Rs. 100/ (Rs. 65 on Flipkart)

Photograph: The book jacket cover of When a Lawyer Falls in Love. Picture courtesy:

Friday, December 9, 2011

Methinks ... this one is Mushy-Immy-gate! (Part-IV)

Author's note: You can read the 1st part here, the 2nd part here and the 3rd part here.

The 'land of the puree's' sovereignty or 'savarnity' (as they call it) has been violated. So horrible, no? Nope, flying and droning mosquitoes that resulted in 24 of their most precious creatures to meet their maker did not violate it. It was unfair though. How could those NATO-nic flying and droning mosquitoes do what they did without letting the valiant and vigilant PAF-fy know? And ... that too, so late in the night? Weren't those Nato-nic mosquitoes aware that the PAF-fy works 9-5? They have to worry about 'other' important matters of 'national importance' at all times and therefore they were busy 'ideating' late in the night, as usual. Haan?

It was the job of those vile NATO-nic mosquitoes to 'un-ideate' them; buckets of water and even smelling salt was handy. But that evil force 'failed' to do its job. So what can bechara PAF-fy and it's other brother forces do. It was not their responsibility and they did not fail in any way. So, no question of any resignation of anyone wearing uniform, much less the PAF-fy chief, and no heads would be rolling; though people say that this is because they have square heads. But then people say anything. Bloody civilians!

But let me not digress. Lets get back to who was responsible for this 'grave transgression' of their 'savarnity'. Questions are going to have to be asked and answered, and the culprits identified and punished.

Fortunately some ISI-certified fellas have one of the wicked fiends already in custody at Bahawalpur zoo; where he is being held under the tightest security possible and regularly interrogated (plus stared at) by a posse of security personnel and zookeepers who speak fluent monkey. No wonder Veena-ji Malik flaunted the ISI tattoo prominently (she even appeared au naturel, so that nothing else could distract from that said tattoo), and is now the tattoo's unofficial ambassador. Their strategic assets are in very safe hands, I tell you!

Nevertheless, so far 'Bobby' (as that captured fiend is now being called, since 'Henna' laid a massive turkey at the box-office) - has given little or nothing away, and is keeping mum about his true intentions w.r.t. what made him cross the border sans visa, sans permission, sans food - in fact sans anything, not even a tattoo. Apart from a very shifty look on his face, that is.

Bunches of plantains - both yellow and green - have failed to change his mind. He munches on them all right, but that is the only purpose he opens his mouth for.

The ISI-certified folks and the shining boot-wallahs are not prepared to take any risk though. They strongly feel that 'Bobby' may be just the first, part of the reconnaissance or recce team for what is in all probability a massive task force of Indian monkeys that are even now massing at the borders, stockpiling fruit to eat along the way, and bent on nothing short of total domination of the 'land of the puree'. You see they are not unaware of a certain 'Hindu' epic. Never mind that that 'Hindu' epic was written millenniums ago, much before true faiths from the land of sand, date palms and camels came marauding in.

But, you see, they cannot take any risk, only chance pe dance, especially since Hatim Tai Zardari and Ordinary Joe Ghee-lani have decided to confer the MFN (Most Favoured Nation) status to India. Bloody civilians!

It is crystal clear that 'Bobby' and his ilk will be making for their nuclear assets, and as a matter of utmost urgency they must invest gazillions of rupees in making sure that none of their nuclear installations is vulnerable to an invasion of dodgy-looking unwashed monkeys determined to get their unclean paws on pious weapons of mass destruction, and any spare fruit that may be lying around unclaimed.

Didn't the former gallant spymaster and Immy Khan's spiritual guru, Gen. Hamid Gul-badan state the same? And he should know. He has spent a lifetime dealing with plantain-chomping Bobby-s (and it is still a tie that binds).

Even the day is significant. 26th November. In 2008, when Hatim Tai Zardari talked about forging closer ties with India, there were attacks. And in 2011, when Hatim Tai Zardari and Ghee-lani decided to extend the MFN status to India, there were attacks. But they are totally unrelated, I tell you. Coincidentally co-incidental. That's all. Bolstered by the great Immy Khan and his spiritual guru's psychic powers. And whether Manzoor Ijaz-zat put on a Bong accent and imitating Pronob-babu made the most important threatening call of 2008 or not, we shall never know.

However, the monkey threat is real and ever present. Therefore the ISI-certified public service announcement is to be doubly-alert, to be ever-vigilant, to grow a colourful beard and to say Allah Hafiz instead of Khuda Hafiz. Since the former comes from the land of holy sand, tall date palm trees and pious camels, while the latter is bloody Houbara bustard Persian.

They have also asked everyone in the 'land of the puree' to rise up and look carefully around them. Is there anything that looks a bit different? Bit alien ... like equality, irrespective of caste, creed, faith and gender; or the freedom to pray or worship in whatever way an individual may wish? Or Indian TV serials and other vile Indian stuff? Somebody you thought was a decent enough chap but has well ... a few monkey-ish habits or eats more nuts and bananas than one might expect? Anybody like that close to where you live? Root them out! They are bad for the nation's 'ghairat' (honour). After all, the shining-boot-black-coat-colourful-beard-and-ISI-mark-wallahs and their cronies are the true custodians of the 'land of the puree's ghairat, since they are very 'ghairatmand' (honourable) themselves.

Naturally, the chief blackcoat-wallah will take sumo moto notice and constitute a larger bench for the hearing of the 'Bobby' case, apart from constituting a one-man investigation committee that will submit its findings and report with uncharacteristic speed and alacrity. All this while lakhs and lakhs of people languish in jails year after year waiting for a hearing; many among them having already served more time than they would have, if sentenced. Many are innocent too, implicated in false cases - out of vengeance and spite. But that is not for the chief blackcoat-wallah, his coatless fans and his blackcoat-wearing team to bother about; those lesser people will have to wait for their turn with the invisible man in the sky.

A full assessment of the monkey threat will be made in due course and the results published in Greek - even though it is now a bankrupt language. 'Talk shows' and 'discussions' would be held in right earnest and since it is a matter of their holy 'savarnity' and holier 'ghairat', respected experts, analysts, opinion holders and distributors - who are also clones of Zaid-a Hamid-a - will be invited to take part in them. Immy Khan will be a permanent fixture, of course. While Jemmy Khan would be writing op-ed pieces in foreign newspapers and magazines, since she was unable to hold a demonstration in London - protesting the heinous crime of those NATO-nic mosquitoes; 'coz, you see, they failed to drop ripe fruits on the Vanity Fairy office.

The PAF-fy and it's brother forces are keen to stop fighting their 'creations' on the western front, but do not want to stop their 'games' in Bheluchistan; they are also keen to re-open their mis-adventures in the eastern front. Their ahimsa-loving neighbour must remain extra alert and vigilant.

Why do they not want to close their swashbuckling Bheluchi front, you ask? 'Coz they are fond of the hearty Bheluchi cuisine! And it also provides a camouflage to their Houbara bustard hunting mentors - cowboys and holy sand included - to hunt for the two-legged and no-wings variety of the Houbara bustards (the ones that recently took out processions for ten days). This is the lynchpin to finally implement their grand designs on iRan; they want to change the architecture there, you see. And no pipelines. Therefore, 'memogate' has materialized out of thin air, even putting Houdini to shame, courtesy Manzoor Ijaz-zat and team. This is the 'gate' via which Immy Khan and Mushy can once again be installed you-know-where by you-know-who. All for a noble cause rather several noble causes, since Immy is also a non-profit philanthropist-cum-dry-cleaned politician with sudden skyrocketing fame and popularity. Wokey?

And it is precisely for the above reasons that the mantra of 'kruption' of specific politicians is being dutifully chanted.

So, who is working with whom? What do you think?

Parting shot: Smoke and mirrors galore!

(More later...)

Picture: Courtesy link.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Methinks ... this one is Mushy-Immy-gate! (Part-III)

Author's note: You can read the 1st part here and the 2nd part here.

Immy Khan we are told is fighting against corruption and has recently declared his assets.

This 'land of the puree' is so silly I tell you. Even though it was born out of a complicated C-section from India over sixty years ago, they have failed to imbibe or even learn any lessons. They are still stuck up on corruption rather corrupt politicians. The rest are as pure as the driven snow, especially the bureau-fat-cats, the holiest of holy cows that also wear shining boots, blackcoat-wallahs and bijiness-wallahs.

But while they are sweating and frothing at the mouths with 'kruption', we in India, have very prudently moved towards self sufficiency in food production and included the tasty 'bhrashtachar' - a delicious achar or pickle - as a part of our staple diet. It ensures good health too, thereby killing two birds with one stone. Unlike Immy Khan's plan of taking 'two wickets with one ball' - with the help of Mushy of course.

The two wickets stand for Mian Naraaz Sharif and Hatim Tai Zardari, while Immy is the bowler - and the ball is Mushy! You get it, right? What a great pair they make - Immy and Mushy; they rhyme too. But let me not digress.

Recently Veena-ji Malik caused a furore by 'declaring her assets'.

Umm, now that she has fulfilled the main criteria of joining Immy Khan's party, the Pakistani Tsunami by Immy (PTI), she should now promptly join it and be given a high post. Preferably co-chairperson.

I am pitching for the position of co-chairperson for Veena-ji Malik, since due to generation gap she may not have been able to 'declare her assets' as many times as the Chairperson - the great Immy Khan himself.

Btw ... though Immy Khan assures us that he has declared all his assets, he is yet to declare his black and 'White' ones. No puns. Sita Ram! Sita Ram!

He has also not told us where and to whom he has 'declared his assets' for the last four decades (at least). Including interests, dividends and bonuses, if any.

Meanwhile, Jemmy Khan has attested that Immy is not greedy unlike other politicians. Hmm. She had also attested Fatima Bhutto's ability and suitability to become the leader of Benazir Bhutto's party - in the not too distant past. She even turned journalist to further her cause.

Jemmy is now turning into a book-writer (!!) and her jemmy-of-a-book is supposed to hit the stands in late 2012 - this clearly proves that the Mayans were wrong.

It is not difficult to guess what it's contents would be; especially in light of the various books on Immy Khan that has appeared with unfailing regularity - in the last two-and-a-half years. She is also a crusader against corruption. Not sure how being the daughter of one of 20th century's most notorious corporate raider - Sir Jimmy Midas-touch Smith - she can even think of such a thing. It's more than blasphemy, I tell you. But then she does not believe in 'charity begins at home' but rather plumps for 'charity begins with home', and has apparently gifted Immy Khan at least one.

She is the fairy godmother to Julius Assange of Weakileaks fame, and he has promised to reveal the names of Swiss bank account holders - from India and Pakistan - in early 2012. After that apparently some "elites" in both the countries will have "no place to hide". This is a sure shot reaffirmation of his faith in the two-nation theory, no?

However, what Julius does not know is this: we Indians only believe in Swiss chocolates, cows, watches, Swiss knife and Roger Federer aka FedEx. We do not believe in Swiss banks and Weakileaks, only piggy banks and paableak. Ask Mamata-didi - if in doubt. Though I am (still) unable to get my head around the sudden media, FB and that little blue bird inspired Anna-hazard, followed by a sudden medical pilgrimage followed by FD-Eye in retail.

Btw, I am not sure if Jemmy too is a part of PTI ... since she has declared her assets to Hugh-ly Grant-ed among others, including Immy Khan of course; but it seems that Immy, Jemmy, the shining boot-wallahs and the blackcoat-wallahs have a common liking for certified Swiss chocolates.

Meanwhile, this Manzoor Ijaz-zat saga is becoming curiouser and curiouser. Apparently some 'P' has gotten the nod from some Arab states for toppling the Hatim Tai Zardari government in the 'land of the puree'.

Perhaps this mysterious 'P' has committed to issue as many licenses as possible for hunting the endangered Houbara bustards - with or without wings. In case you are wondering, let me tell you that some species of this Houbara bustard also walk on two legs and have been taking out processions for the last ten days. This is THE major criterion for getting the nod from those Arabian Dark Nights.

Umm, I am wondering who this 'P' could be. Not Pervez Bonaparte of the Kargil mis-adventure - I suppose?!

Wonder why he is talking about delivering himself as the New Year gift (Jan. 2012) to his countrymen? Are they unable to buy any themselves due to inflation and noise pollution? Apparently, he will also bring along Chengiz Khan - in the form of a soft toy, according to some soothsayers.

Hmm. Hmm.

But if he does return to once again "save" his country from "krupt" politicians, the Mayans will be proved right.

Meanwhile, Immy Khan's party is busy picking up 'electables' these days - an overwhelming majority of whom had been part of Mushy's disposition in some way or the other, and are essentially 'left-overs' from different parties. Is Immy Khan planning to set up a bio-gas plant next, along with another hospital - this time to treat food-poisoning cases exclusively?? All for a noble cause and in the name of non-profit philanthropy?!!

I advice the pious people from the 'land of the puree' to not bother about going for Hajj any more. It is too much of an effort. All they need to do is, circumambulate Immy Khan a few times - and be assured of eternal jannat; those keen to 'declare their assets', can do so without a worry too - 72 times.

Having said that, I must also add that his "game changer" of a party is increasingly looking like the forced reincarnation of the IJI (the Islami Jaamroodi Ittehad or the Islamic Demo-crazy Alliance) - that propped up Mian Naraaz Sharif in the late eighties against Benazir Bhutto and her party.

The then gallant army chief, Mirza As-salam Alaykum Beg, and the then super-gallant ISI-certified chief - Hamid Gul-badan (who also doubled and still moonlights as Immy Khan's spiritual guru), along with their cronies, fathered the Islami Jaamroodi Ittehad. There was no mother involved ... since all of them were pious people blessed by the Arabian Dark Nights. Yeh aandar ki baat hai!

These gentlemen went about distributing huge funds running into hundreds of millions - in those days; and this was and is still suspected to have come from the land of holy sand, notorious turbanator aka the big 'O' included. Strangely, this case is pending with their highest court for over two decades now, and while the incumbent highest blackcoat-wallah takes sumo moto notice left, right and center, he has somehow developed jaundice in his eyes when it came to this particular case. Apart from other cases pertaining to Mian Naraaz Sharif, Mian Chote Sharif of 'main nahi janta, main nahi manta' fame and other assorted holy cows, of course. For those, he has developed conjunctivitis as well.

He must visit a reputed eye specialist pronto, before he also develops bipolar vision and bypoll-ar vision (thanks to Immy and Mushy).

Meanwhile, Mian Naraaz Sharif and his party - the appropriately named Naraaz League - has approached Fatima Bhutto's (of a certain "must read" book fame) step-mother, Gheewali Bhutto, and the self-styled chieftain of the Bhutto clan Nawab Mumtaaza Bhutto who also fancies himself as "Dahesar" meaning "ten-headed" or "the one with ten heads". Frankly, this one reminds me of one of our 'epics'.

Incidentally, this Dahesar chap wrote an article titled, "Bahadur baap ki buzdil beti" (meaning: The coward daughter of a brave father) on the eve of Benazir's homecoming in 2007. Not to be left behind, fiery niece Fatima and her stepmother too made their respective 'contributions'. All of them are announcing to be mourning Benazir and claiming to be her legacy holders - for close to 4 years now (effective from the night of Dec. 27, 2007). Never mind that they accused Benazir of "stealing the Bhutto legacy" for many years prior to that, apart from regularly reminding everyone that she was "not a Bhutto" and should not be using that name, because she was in fact "Mrs. Zardari"! They seem to have suddenly realized that Benazir was very much a Bhutto - for close to 4 years now (again effective from the night of Dec. 27, 2007), and hence, are claiming to be the "real" Bhuttos too. Now Badey and Chotey Mian have joined that bandwagon. There is also talk of Immy Khan and "game changer II" - Shah Mehmood Ghaznavi - aligning with them as well; while their ("real" Bhutto's) close ties with Mushy and other forces (whose game they have been playing all along) is not unknown. Wah ji wah! Wah ji wah!! Wah ji wah wah wah!!!

Btw, Fatima of course blames her now-deceased aunt for her father, Murtaza's killing, and also pins sundry other charges on her aunt's now silent shoulders, but those who are aware of or at least are clued into the goings-on in the 'land of the puree' should be aware of Mian Naraaz Sharif's role in that saga.

Do read the following if you want to know:

(More later...)

Picture: Courtesy link.

Friday, December 2, 2011

The Blogging Affair by Manu

Amitabh Manu is a first time author and his maiden offering is "The Blogging Affair". He however prefers to write under the name Manu and has carefully dropped Amitabh in the process. Perhaps he is no fan of millionaire-making game shows and/or big and small bees. So much for honey and money!

The Blogging Affair is a murder mystery but not in the classic 'thriller' or 'whodunit' format that we normally associate with this genre. It is also quite different from the well-received debut novel of Ismita Tandon Dhankher, titled, "Love on the Rocks". In fact, I don't recollect having come across anything like this from Indian authors past and present. And perhaps that is the reason why Amitabh had thanked me for sending him a friend request on FB (which he accepted of course); while stating at the same time that he hoped I would not change my mind after reading the book (along with a smiley).

I had gallantly (not sure if the female of the species are supposed to be gallant) assured him that though I hailed from Poschimbongo, I was very unlike Mamata didi - and suffixed it with a smiley as well, as a proof of my noble intentions.

Now, the book consists of only 339 pages; but it took me longer than usual to turn the last page. This is partly due to the fact that I was a bit pressed for time and partly due to the nature of the book.

A beautiful girl has been found dead in her bed and the cops have been alerted and they are on the job. So far so good, but there are multiple narratives vying for your attention: the inner voice (or whatever was left of it) of the guy Maithun Mehta - the prime suspect, coz he was in an extra-marital affair with the dead girl. Unfortunately he doesn't think with his gray cells, never did; his capabilities lie elsewhere, further down.

There is this game of one-upmanship between the police guys investigating the murder. Their hot and cold wars make for an interesting read, and is a classic case of brawn vs. brain. I somewhat liked this part; and there is a bit of humour too. The mystery bit though isn't deep but it does manage to hold your attention all the same, kind of. However, the bit about 'dreaming in colour' is totally clichéd and should have been avoided. Even if the author meant it to be funny or punny, it falls way short.

Next there is an anonymous blog - in reverse chronological order. The author's identity is hidden but the blog is suspected to be a vital clue as well as character, in this murder mystery.

Umm, we are not averse to feed our blog regularly or asking others (blogger friends) to feed theirs - so as to keep the blog healthy or well nourished and thereby ensuring a steady flow of traffic. However, the author has so overfed this anonymous blog, that a gift voucher from one of the ubiquitous weight-loss programmes wouldn't be a bad idea. It certainly resulted in reader fatigue. Reader meaning: yours truly.

The anonymous blogger's digressions into religion, homeopathy, education, politics, spiritual enlightenment, etc simply eat up space and bring down the pace to that of a snail. Not done. Amitabh may have wanted to share his point of views on these matters of national importance with his readers, but writing a whole book for that purpose was not necessary. He could have simply posted them on his personal blog!

Agreed they do give him precious opportunities to talk about eclectic issues, and get into saucy word plays and double entendres, supposedly to enliven the book, but the effect is quite the contrary. Maithun's inner voice with its one-track mind and too much sauciness affect you so much that you just want to stay away from 'sauce' for a while.

It becomes unfunny and unpunny after a point.

Had the plot, the storyline, the description, the execution or the writing style matched, the digressions would have been welcome; it would have been curd and rice. Then, chaat masala, pickle, pomegranate seeds, nuts and even dry fruits would have enhanced its taste.

"The Blogging Mystery" is a mix-and-unmatch. Just like curd and noodles.

Though the chapters are short, there are 69 of them, making it a nice thick book; but given that too many avoidable people this book, apart from some clunky writing, it requires a great deal of effort - to finish it.

While editing was hibernating big time, something I did not expect from Frog Books. There are so many errors - poor grammar, spelling, sentence structure, garbled lines, et al, that one would not dare think of gifting this to one's English teacher as a Christmas present.

My rating: I am going with a 2/5 for Amitabh Manu's debut novel. Despite this being the Xmas season and with New Year around the corner too, I am unable to imbibe the festive spirit and be more generous. Sorry.

With better editing and a tighter plot, apart from cutting out the ample dead wood, this one could have made for a good read, if not a great one. Though I must concede that (Amitabh) Manu is earnest, I feel he can do much better.

Details of Book: The Blogging Affair/ Author: Manu/ Pages: 339/ ISBN: 978-93-81115-39-8/ Publishing Date: 2011/ Publisher: Frog Books (an imprint of Leadstart Publishing Pvt. Ltd.)/ Binding: Paperback/ Price: Rs. 295/

Photograph: The book jacket cover of The Blogging Affair. Picture courtesy: