"Communication" - A Flash Fiction (a form of 'micro-fiction')

Author's Note: You can read my first 77-Fiction... titled, "Grief" - HERE. This post also contains info on the various genres of micro-fiction... so you can acquaint yourself with the 'dribble', the 'drabble', the 'droubble'... and the like.

Well, this is my first attempt at a flash fiction. But before I proceed with it, I am reminded of the fact that this is my 112th post. Which means that the previous one was 111th... aka cricket's equivalent of the "Nelson". Made famous by the recently departed English Umpire with the kindly looks and ruddy cheeks, David Shepherd or Shep... who will be fondly remembered for his quirk of hopping from foot to foot whenever the scoreboard registered the dreaded "Nelson". That was his trademark... or should I say his 'signature manoeuvre'.

There are others too... like Billy Bowden... known for his dramatic signalling style (link). THE Billy Bowden with the "crooked finger of doom" and the "double crooked finger six-phase hop" to name a few. Most cricketers are superstitious and a score reading 111 (said to represent one of Nelson's eyes, one of his arms, and one of his legs) is thought to bring bad luck. To counteract that, players on the batting side are meant to lift one leg off the ground until the score moves on. Shep never lost the fear and, commendably neutral, would shake a leg for both sides. So endearing... na... ???

But since this is a mere blog and not the cricket field I did not resort to any such measures... and am none the worse for it! *a big grin*

I also understand that the great and indomitable Gaul... the redoubtable Asterix turned 50 last week (on 29 October 1959). A very Happy Birthday to the perennially plucky little big hero and may he complete a century and more... while remaining in the pink of health! Ummm... half a century and still going strong... ?? Must be those magic potions conjured up by that medical magician, the Druid Getafix.

Wonder where does all this leave Asterix' best bud... the Gaulish menhir delivery man and warrior Obelix though... ??? He too must be turning 50 simultaneously then... and indulging in his favourite pasttime of hunting and eating wild boars and beating up Romans (all the while uttering his catch phrase: "These Romans are crazy"), with Dogmatix at his heels. By Toutatis! But try as he might, he is not allowed to drink the magic potion ever again. Much to his chagrin though. Reason... ??? He fell into the cauldron with the magic potion when he was a small boy and is always strong. You know... evergreen strength... !!!

Here is a write-up marking Asterix' golden jubilee... that contains an interview with his co-creator and translator who helped him conquer an English readership - the artist Albert Uderzo, who is still sprightly at 82. He has continued to create new Asterix adventures after the death of his friend René Goscinny in 1977, taking on the scripting as well as drawing.

The internet reached yet another milestone - the middle age - aka 40 years last month. With its birth... it changed the world forever. 40 glorious years of breathtaking innovation. But then most folks say that 40 is the new 30... so, the internet must be in the prime of youth then. What... ???

Veteran sports journalist and stellar cricket writer Rajan Bala passed away last month. As an incisive and analytical writer, he simply had no peers. It is a very sad day indeed and I'm sure avid cricket fans will remember him with warmth and reverence. I will miss his columns. May his soul RIP. Cricinfo, the 'Bhagavad Gita of the Beautiful Game', has a short obituary. His protégé Suresh Menon pays tribute. The Times of India's Satish Vishwanathan used a Sachin Tendulkar anecdote to demonstrate Bala's hold.

Now... to get back to my 'flash fiction'. Here you go:

He was new to everything... having arrived barely a couple of weeks ago... on the shores of this British dominion. As one of the administrators assigned to the then Governor General and Viceroy of India. Yes, the one referred to as the 'Laat Saab' by the locals aka the hoi polloi. The many languages and the strange customs that the country boasted... were alien to him. He seemed tentative and unsure of himself, an unusual change.

Being totally unfamiliar with Bengali... the local language of Bengal or even Hindi, he was completely stumpted for words... while interacting with the servants. Thankfully, one of his senior colleagues... sensing his predicament... had given him a few 'tips'... saying that there was no need to learn the local languages.

That most of the staff spoke English while the servants spoke a kind of pidgin english... which he'll soon get used to.

The older man had then smiled and added, "Hindi is very much like English, they say." And then proceeded to share with him a little 'trick'. He was astonished at first... and then thought perhaps it was meant as a joke... and laughed.

The strange and amusing part of it, however, was that it worked... leaving him quite flummoxed. Perhaps by the familiar-sounding words and the unexpected results they produced!

In the evening he would call, "Chawkidar!"

The fellow would appear, "Ji Saab?"

He then said, "There was a brown crow."

The Chowkidar: "Ji haan Saab," and carried out the task.

In the morning his instruction would be, "Chawkidar! There was a cold day." Again the fellow would do as asked...

And all the while... he would chuckle to himself and silently thank the old man profusely.

Footnote:

Some info gathered, courtesy: Wikipedia.

On the evolution of the internet: What better time to recap on the last 40 years and provide a brief history of how a technology that has changed our lives, came to be. Before you begin reading however, if you'd like a more visual representation, you may want to sit back and watch this wonderful video that will take you through the decades to today (Link)

Photograph:

A handmade oil painting reproduction of "A British Officer of a Madras Sepoy Battalion Attended by a Sepoy Servant" - a painting by (attr. to) Imhoff, Carl C.A. von (Pic courtesy: link)

Corporate Lingo... continues... !!!

Well, this is going to be... kinda continuation of my previous post, titled: "Corporate Lingo and what they really mean... !!!" You can read it here and have a good laugh! In this post... I'll give you the flipside of that earlier post... or the "tit for tat" response. This way the "deserving" employer(s) or such "prospective" employer(s) will have the "right" person in the "right" place at the "right" time... !!!

In the corporate world, it is usually... "My/Our way or the Highway". Yayaver has commented that, "Point of dissent is taken as disloyalty" and that "the more incompetent you are, more you rise in management." Chowlaji felt that... "The co promoters always say...You should always have some one to blame for your mistakes, that is why you have assistants." While Deepa has stated: "I like point no. 8 - you could also add - must be single and/or childless!" To refresh your memory, point number 8 was: "Career-Minded" - Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

To understand why it is so (in many cases, if not all of them... that is) you may want to take a look at one of my earlier posts, titled: "The Smart Boss, Special High Intensity Training (!) and other stories." Here is the link. It talks about "smart" bosses and "training". No Sir! Not "ordinary" training... but, "Special High Intensity Training"! And lastly, it elucidates about who is in charge and why... or rather why the "ass hole" is usually in charge. It also throws some light on a very "important" aspect, to be kept in mind (by all those who inhabit the corporate world)... and that is: In these days of cost cutting, leave office early.

Yet another of my earlier posts... may interest you. It's called: "Corporate Lessons!!!". You may read it HERE. There are four scenarios mentioned... that explain/highlight some simple yet crucial "corporate lessons". Lessons that every employee should keep in mind in order to be "successful" in the (big, bad) corporate world. This post also depicts the "transformation"... an employee undergoes while working in the same organisation for a long period!

The end result reminds one of the most famous Indian practitioner of the genre of "literary nonsense," the celebrated Bengali poet, story writer and playwright, Sukumar Ray's "Ramgorurer Chhana" from "Abol tabol" (his collection of bengali poems and rhymes - meant for children, but liked by people belonging to all age groups - and literally translated as "Gibberish" or "Weird and Random".) Sukumar Ray was the father of the legendary Indian filmmaker, fiction writer, publisher, illustrator, graphic designer and film critic... the peerless Satyajit Ray (also regarded as one of the greatest auteurs of 20th century cinema.) The Bengali readers were exposed to a new "nonsense" fantasy world by the poems in "Abol Tabol." This selection offers the best of Sukumar Ray's world of pun-riddled and fun-filled poetry. He was a pioneering Bengali writer of nonsense rhyme and children's literature, an illustrator and a critic. It is very difficult to translate his poems into any other language (including english) and simultaneously retain their flavour and pun... hence I'll not even try to attempt it. Here is the link that leads to some of the literary works of Sukumar Ray: http://barnamala.org/barnamala/2

A third post... written a while back... deals with corporate miscommunication and is hence aptly titled as: "Corporate (Mis)communication!!" The link is provided HERE.

Communication is defined as the process of transferring information from one source to another. However, a communication between the employer(s) and the employee(s)/subordinate(s) can give rise to a lot of "possibilities". One example is the Dilbert comics, which often illustrate strikingly the ways in which human communication fails, especially when related to hi tech. In particular, communication between Dilbert and his Pointy-Haired Boss is guaranteed to fail, since the boss has no idea of the content of the activities he "manages." My post illustrates the above point through a simple "example".

So, here are some more "corporate lingo" from the other side of the table! *wink* Read on... and enjoy!

1. "I'm Extremely Adept At All Manner Of Office Organisation" - I've used Microsoft Office.

2. "I'm Honest, Hard-Working and Dependable" - I pilfer office supplies.

3. "My Pertinent Work Experience Includes" - I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

4. "I Take Pride In My Work" - I blame others for my mistakes.

5. "I'm Personable" - I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

6. "I'm Extremely Professional" - I carry a Day-Timer.

7. "I Am Adaptable" - I've changed jobs a lot.

8. "I Am On The Go" - I'm never at my desk.

9. "I'm Highly Motivated To Succeed" - The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.

10. "I Look Forward To Hearing From You Soon" - Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your form letter thanking me for "my interest and wishing me luck in my future career".

Note:

Some info gathered, courtesy: Wikipedia.

Note on "Dilbert" - for the uninitiated - (first published April 16, 1989) is an American comic strip written and drawn by Scott Adams. Dilbert is known for its satirical office humour about a white-collar, micromanaged office featuring the engineer Dilbert as the title character. Dilbert is the eponymous main character of the Dilbert comic strip. He has a rare condition characterized by an extreme intuition about all things mechanical and electrical (and utter social ineptitude), an idea that was explored in the animated television episode titled "The Knack". He graduated from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology with a degree in Electrical Engineering. Although his ideas are typically sensible and occasionally even revolutionary, they are seldom carried out because of his powerlessness. He is easily frustrated by the incompetence of his co-workers (most often the Pointy-Haired Boss) and is often sarcastic and snide. For more details please log on to: http://www.dilbert.com/

Photographs:

Cartoons depicting funny scenarios from the corporate world... all in good humour though, I assure you! (Cartoons courtesy: Parimal Joshi and Manjul.)

Spread the Smiles... !!!

This was forwarded by a friend... and after reading it... I could not help but flaunt my pearly whites! I just had to spread the smiles :-) Read on and enjoy... after all its TGIF... !!! I also noticed that my blog's Alexa Traffic Rank has gone up again... to 237,026. One more reason for me... to display my pearly whites... !!! Anyways, here you go...

Each Friday night... after work, Bubbal Singh would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a tandoori chicken and some meat kebabs. But, all of Bubbal's neighbours were strict Catholics... and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating chicken and meat on a Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled meats was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their Priest.

The Priest came to visit Bubbal, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubbal attended Mass... and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, ''You were born a Sikh, and raised a Sikh, but now, you are a Catholic."

Bubbal's neighbours were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of tandoori chicken and meat kebabs filled the neighbourhood... once again.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbours, and, as he rushed into Bubbal's backyard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubbal, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meats and chanted: "Oye, you waz born a chicken, and you waz born a lamb, you waz raised a chicken, and you waz raised a lamb... but now yara, you are a potato and a tomato!"

Photographs:

Cartoons courtesy: SardarjiCartoons.

Piggy-Wiggy: "To err is human, to forgive divine"... Or, is it _ _ ine... ?!!

I am back with a few more grunt(side) stories... read on...

Read my blog: "Swine Fluuuuu" and the grunt(side) stories!!! for more of them!

1. The Great Chief Vitalstatix (in the Asterix series) a.k.a. "Piggy Wiggy" is facing a serious identity crisis these days. The pigs of the world have united and are suing him for violation of copyright. According to the 'gruntvine', Vitalstatix (Piggy Wiggy) has been offered a few choices on 'humanitarian' grounds... he can grunt for a 1000 times a day to show/underwrite his affinity with his namesakes, become a 'size zero' or start walking around on his own feet... carrying his own 'considerable' weight.

Now, "Piggy Wiggy" is his nickname... an 'endearing' term (rarely) used 'affectionately' by his wife, "Impedimenta"... which unfailingly makes the great Chief go wobbly on the knees... FYI. Hence, he is extremely worried about the 'domestic' implications...

2. The Great Gauls... "Asterix" and "Obelix" too are facing a serious and unprecedented dilemma. They have been banned from hunting wild boars and feasting on them. According to the Chief Boar, Mr. Whataboar, their association, the "PIGGIS" (Pigs Grunt and Groan In Style), have approached the International Court of Justice in The Hague (the Netherlands) as well as PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) and grunted their serious reservations against this gross injustice in no uncertain grunts.

This has resulted in "Obelix" having to undergo a bout of forced dieting... he has already lost 600 pounds and can no longer be recognized or be called 'obese'... oops "Obelix". There are talks that he may be asked to change his name to "Thinelix". Other names also under consideration being: "Beanpoleix", "Drumstix", "Lamppostix", "Palmtrix", "Sizezeroix", "Slimntrimix" and "Skeletonix". The Romans are said to be rubbing their hands in glee at this 'unexpected' news! While the boars are exulting over having their "pound of flesh". Both "Asterix" and "Obelix" are said to be consulting their local village druid, "Getafix"... to get a quick fix solution.

The International Court of Justice is debating whether pigs/swines/boars fall in the same category... the US of A is plumping for the 'swines' while the Russians and the Chinese have thrown their collective weights behind the 'pigs'. The 'boars' have been left alone to get bored. The matter has now reached the coldest storage of all... the United Nations Security Council (UNSC).

PETA has taken some steps, though. They have despatched two of their famous 'wah rears' - Pamela Anderson and Shilpa Shetty to show their 'solidarity' with the boars. Both being goody 'wah rears' cum 'glad-eye-ters' will steer clear of all 'booby traps' and will cover themselves with p(f)ig leaves donated by the 'Boaring Association'. This was stated by their Chairboar Mr. Boared To Death.

Travelling to the Netherlands is proving to be a problem for the "PIGGIS". Netherlands as you know is surrounded by rivers and famous for its windmills... but then pigs/swines/boars/hogs can 'fly'... its just that their passports have been impounded, hence they are facing immigration issues. Even the (flying) Dutch Govt. have denied them visas... though they have clarified that their intention is only to further their case and not 'fight with windmills'. They are no fans of Don Quixote... after all!!! The 'flying' swines are not taking this snub from another 'flying' object lying down... and are crying 'fowl'... this has 'alarmed' the fowls/chickens greatly...!!! Even the 'cuckoo(s)' have taken to guarding their nests zealously these days... to stop 'anyone' from 'flying' over it. The red alert mentioned: "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest"... but the cuckoo(s) being a little hard of hearing... heard it as: "Swine Flu Over the Cuckoo's Nest"... !!!

3. The (k)nightmare for the KKR continues: Ever since it was discovered that a certain Brad Hodge plays for this team... all the hogs are up in grunts. Now, Brad Hodge is under scrutiny... to determine whether he makes the 'cut'... for a lifetime membership to the exclusive and elite 'Hogers Park'... as well as the by invitation only 'Grunt and Hog Club'. No 'treshogging' allowed... !

It was also found that a particularly B(r)ad Hogg had tried to be a part of the IPL season 2. This Hogg's base price was pegged at $200,000... but there were no takers. It seems that none of the IPL franchisees were keen to p(f)ork out $200,000 for this B(r)ad Hogg. Some expensive hogg, this!!!

During the second test (Second Test, 2007-08 Border-Gavaskar Trophy) against India in Sydney it was alleged that this Hogg had called the then Indian Captain Anil Kumble and Vice Captain Mahendra Singh Dhoni... "bastards". The latter being "gentlemen" refused to get into a 'grunt-o-verbal' duel with a hogg...

4. Hollywood actor 'Kevin Bacon' too have been asked to go in for a change of name. Even his restaurant... in his home town of Philadelphia, named "Bring Home the Bacon" is under scrutiny.

Bacon and his actress wife Kyra Sedgwick have (recently) lost an undisclosed amount of money in the Ponzi scheme of the infamous investor Bernard Madoff... Last heard, (his life being an open book) Kevin Bacon was quite inclined to take a leaf out of this experience and christen himself "Kevin Conned" or "Kevin Been Conned"... while his restaurant could be renamed as: "Bring Home the (Ba)Conned".

5. It has also been heard that one of the most compelling painters of the twentieth century, Francis Bacon is spending sleepless nights in his heavenly abode. He was earlier gearing himself up for the marking of the centenary celebrations of his birth in Dublin in 1909... thinking of 'pigging out' on a huge cake and blowing a 100 candles (read: stars). But, the 'Hogs and Swines Will Boar You To Death' - a grouping of like-minded hogs/swines/boars... currently residing in heaven have thrown a spanner in the workings of his plans. They do not object to his 'art'... only the 'bacon'... and he can keep the Kevin... thats no 'sin'. He has been contemplating... since he has been a 'leading light', a 'beacon' in the realm of art and paintings... to tweak his name to 'Francis Beacon' instead... then he can 'have his cake and eat it too'... !!!

6. A similar dilemma is also plaguing his namesake (the Viscount) Sir Francis Bacon... who graced this planet between 22 January 1561 – 9 April 1626, and has been playing chess and smoking the 'hookah' or the 'hubble bubble' in peace at his abode on the 'Starry Hills'... 'Sunshine Road'... Flat # 9/1626, 'Heaven Apartments'... all this while. Yes, the 'Hubble Bubble' - no modern contraption for him. Who wants to be accused of polluting the stratosphere and be held responsible for 'Ozone pollution'... after all???

The pigs/swines/boars/hogs do not mind the 'Sir'ring... as opposed to 'snoring'... the swines won't stop him from drinking (s)wine... as long the 's' is silent.. ! Only the 'bacon'... is a problem. This puts his name and famous 'work'... the 'Baconian method' on the back burner. No... he didn't bake anything silly! He prefers to walk... and never rode piggyback or danced with ladybugs... !!! Sir Francis is now consulting Aristotle and William Shakespeare on the possibility of changing it to 'Draconian method'... and whether this tantamounts to 'copyright infringement' of 'another' kind.

After a careful study... of his 'horrorscope'... he has been asked to consult the Legal Eagle Mr. Mosquito (from the "Bee Movie")... Why...??? Well... as the mosquito itself says, "I was already a blood sucking parasite, all I needed was a briefcase." The prosecution may be represented by a certain Count Dracula. Like "one good deed deserves another", one blue blood deserves another... umm... this one promises to be one 'hell' of a 'mouth watering'... fight to the finishing (neck)line... !

7. There are plans afoot to completely ban words and phrases such as: eat like a pig, snore like a pig, pigging out, pigging on, pig out, hogging..... the list is still being compiled... Oink!! 'Brand'ing actions like: peeing or spitting in public as "piggery habits" or "piggish conduct" may invoke a (porku)fine as well. These are harsh 'words'... and the pigs and its friends will 'prove' that the "(pig)pen is mightier than the (s)word"... ! The "Association of All True Pigs, Swines, Boars and Hogs" want to forbid humans from using their names... or anything resembling them... for their all too 'human' activities/actions. After all why should 'they' be 'blamed' for the actions of humans..??? Has anybody ever seen a pig or a swine or their cousins... spitting on the road... ??? Thats trademark 'human' behaviour... and they being perfectly law-abiding 'pigizens'... have no intention of infringing on it!!!

Swine flu caused by human error? According to the news on yahoo, dated May 15, 2009 and here is the link: http://in.news.yahoo.com/32/20090514/1506/tls-swine-flu-caused-by-human-error.html... the World Health Organisation (WHO) is investigating a claim by a researcher who said the "swine flu" virus may have been created as a result of human error. "Swine flu" - officially called "influenza A H1N1" - has infected 5,728 people and killed 61 in 33 countries. WHO cares!!!

Australian researcher Adrian Gibbs, 75, claimed the strain may have accidentally evolved in eggs scientists use to grow viruses and make vaccines. "One of the simplest explanations is that it's a laboratory escape," Gibbs, who collaborated on research that led to the development of the anti-flu drug Tamiflu, told Bloomberg TV. "But there are lots of others."

He said it could be a mistake that occurred at a vaccine production facility or the virus could have jumped from a pig to another mammal or a bird before reaching humans. India is so far free of swine flu. Looks like, "galti se mistake ho gaya"... [W(o)ink!] [W(o)ink!]

As an expert on germ evolution, Gibbs is one of the first scientists to analyse the genetic makeup of the H1N1 virus infecting humans. His analysis found the new strain is the product of two distinct lineages of influenza found in pigs in North America and Europe for a decade.

Hmmm... could this also be the 'legacy' of a certain 'flora' who 'masqueraded' as a "Homo sapien" and his 'Man Friday'... a certain Mr. Cauliflower Ears... ??? The mystery deepens... more mind chow for our in-house private eye... the very "miss_teerious" girl...!

Meanwhile, the pigs/swines/boars/hogs communities are up in armagrunts and (grunt)demanding that stern action be taken against the offenders. According to their Chief Spokeshog Mr. Hogging The Limelite, they are asking for their 'piggy-back' and 'boaring' rights to be restored... and elevated so as to be at par with that of the honourable POWs... and no pow wows to be allowed. As a first step towards this, in a kind of CBM (Confidence Building Measure)... they have asked for a change of name... from "Swine Flu" to "Homo Sapieno Error Flu". After all, "to err is human, to forgive divine"... Or is it... _ _ ine... ??? Please fill in the blanks... !!!

Last heard... the swine fluuuu to Latin America and is dancing to "Livin' la Vida Loca" (English: Living the Crazy Life). Now, the cows there are said to be a very worried lot... awaiting the countdown... "Un, dos, Tres..." !!! The chicken too are beginning to 'lose their heads'...

Note: Info gathered courtesy Wikipedia and http://in.news.yahoo.com/

Cartoons courtesy: http://www.cartoonstock.com/

The views expressed here are entirely in good humour and without malice.

Photographs:

Hilarious takes on the 'scenarios' created due to the "Swine flu".

"Swine Fluuuuu" and the grunt(side) stories!!!

As we all know, every major incident... be it an event or an invention creates a ripple effect. These days, "Swine Fluuuuuu" is a hot topic... a p(b)ig ticket event... sweeping across this hapless planet, and leaving a trail of grunt(side) effects! And not just among humans.

Some 'possible' grunt(side) effects are listed below:

1. Fearing 'swine flu'... overanxious mothers, across the world, cutting off their daughter's pigtails. While most mothers in India making a beeline for Tirupati for the purpose. Talk about "two birds with one stone"... not any more. After the outbreak of "bird flu"... which preceded the "swine flu"... 'birds' too find themselves out of favour... even in phrases!

2. What do you do when a tall chappie a.k.a. bean pole occupies the seat right in front of you at the movie theatre/multiplex? "Elementary, my dear Watson." Just 'Cough' loudly... and then turn to the friend/partner/spouse sitting next to you and utter the words, "I must have that swine flu", just loud enough for that seemingly 'opaque object' obstructing your line-of-sight to 'overhear'!

3. Unable to book a movie ticket (?)... 'House Full'... No problem! Just 'Sneeze' and Viola! you will be the only one in the... (until recently) serpentine Q for those very tickets!

4. Taking the 'public transport' while travelling and no seats? Well, well, well, in no time you can have the entire bus/train/tram or whatever mode of public transport you were travelling in... completely to yourself. Just whip out your mobile... pretend to dial a number and say loud enough... with a tinge of alarm/worry in your voice that you are on your way to the hospital... to seek treatment for 'Swine Flu'... Just make sure that the driver of the vehicle does not put on the 'disappearing act' too!

5. Demand for 'Piggy banks' shoot through the roof: After the outbreak of 'swine flu'... banks, ATMs and all other modern contraptions deviced to park your money... safely (supposedly) have been made redundant. Thereby pushing the demand for the humble 'piggy banks' to the stratospheric level. These 'piggy banks' have been found to be burglar-proof, phishing-proof, pickpocket-proof... even the thieves and burglars subscribe to the "Health is Wealth" policy, you see! Last heard, the Swiss government has been complaining vehemently...

The Swiss had earlier approached the United Nations (UN) and registered their protest... but, the UN being a 'holy cow' itself, declined to take any action against a fellow 'fauna'...

6. Folks including little children are found to be moving around wearing masks and gloves... they are 'worried' about contracting 'swine flu' from their 'piggy banks'.

7. Extra care is to be taken while speaking... even while making small talk. If someone - a friend/neighbour/colleague/relative/acquaintance - asks a seemingly innocent question, "How are you?" A hurried "I am fine and you?" is most likely to be (mis)interpreted as, "I have swine flu." This will set the alarm bells ringing... and can even result in your job falling victim (to the 'swine flu') and 'flying away' on the wings of the 'pink slip'... !

8. Twitter/Facebook/Orkut and other social networking sites are 'insisting' that all their members reveal their 'true' identity.

9. There has been a marked decrease in the instances of riding 'piggy-back' which was (until recently) a very popular sport/activity... around the world.

10. "Beware of Dogs" signs outside homes are being replaced with "Beware of the Dog's Owner - he/she has 'Swine Flu'... Oink!"

11. The governments across the world have finally woken up and besides being busy... cutting and manufacturing red tapes... have announced the setting up of several factories to 'manufacture' flu proof piggy banks. Stringent quality standards will ensure that each one of them are fool... oops 'flu-proof'.

12. Security detail of VIPs and VVIPs (mostly self-styled) are undergoing a thorough overhaul... to make them 'flu-proof'.

13. The Williams sisters, Rafael Nadal and several other top class tennis players are in a fix... since 'grunting' has been banned during tennis matches. They now find themselves to be seriously constrained by the new law, which has prevented them from playing their 'natural' game.

14. Several reality shows are taking over the airwaves to cash in on the latest 'blockgrunter' in town... they want folks to 'grunt' their way to the top. The winners will receive gift vouchers from various pork manufacturing companies. These shows are sponsored by the major hospitals and health care centres in the country... who insist... by speaking with their p(f)ork tongues... that this gesture on their part will 'generate (be)awareness'.

15. There has been a record dip in the number of cases of "rabies" or "hydrophobia". The 'barking news' is that... in the recent 'Doggie Conference'... the resolution adopted has advised all dogs to steer clear of all 'humans' and 'swines'. Their Top dog, Mr. Bow Wow has issued a whip in this regard... and all dogs are to strictly adhere to the "Barking dogs seldom bite" rule. Since they do not have 'nine lives'... 'flying' is extremely injurious to doggie health.

16. While in the 'mouse community', they have unexpectedly discovered the perfect and flu-proof plan to 'bell the cat'... by putting up sign boards with the words, "Swine Flu" above their ratholes. This was stated by the Chief Spokesmouse Mr. Jerry. This plan is also likely to keep the 'moles' away and help them with getting on with their (No)kitty parties.

17. But, alarm bells are ringing in the 'chicken community'. According to the Chief Spokeschicken Ms. Cluck, they fear that this "swinenomena" or "swineflumania" will come full circle and hence the 'chicken community' are bracing themselves for another bout of (reluctant) 'flying'.

But, one 'particular' breed of living beings who closely resemble the "Homo sapiens" have missed this great opportunity. This breed is 'renowned' for never missing even half an opportunity... !

This breed - the 'pollt(r)icians' - especially those found in India - have missed out on the 'historic' nay 'epic' linkage between the 'swine' and the 'Varaha' - the 3rd 'avatar' of Lord Vishnu. Unfortunately, the 'poll dance' is over with the 'haath ki safai' proving to be the 'hand' that will 'rock' for the next 5 years. Had this connection been 'discovered' in time… there would have been several ABC - XYZ… leaders professing to lead the 'Varaha party'… and urging the people to come out in large numbers and vote for the 'swine' so that they could establish 'Varaha Raj' for the next 5 years. They would have promised to defend the 'honour' of the pigs/varahas, thereby 'protecting' the 'culture' of India… !!! Would have been a great 'polloink plank'… what say?!! And Oh before I forget… several newspaper/media offices would have been ransacked by now… for referring to such a 'sacred' animal as 'swine'… !!! Calling anybody a 'swine' would have been classified as an offence of the highest order... inviting the capital punishment... you see, how can a mere mortal be bestowed with the 'honour' of being at the same level as the 'holy' varaha??? Not done. The Tamil word, "Porki" (also used in the Malayalam, Telegu and Kannada languages) will be struck off the vocabulary... to pay obesience to this 'sacred' being. This will in turn result in the stalling of the Kannada movie "Porki", starring the 'Challenging Star' Darshan and Pranitha Subhash. Fearing heavy loss of revenue, in these hard times, the Producers will rechristen the movie as "Turkey". Whether the movie will hit the 'bullseye' or lay an egg or a turkey at the box-office will be known after it is released... till then the 'suspense' continues. Perhaps the "miss_teerious" girl should make an attempt to solve it... !!!

The 'Varaha Party' would also have a 'sacred' students' wing... to be christened as the 'Varaha Sena'… !!! As you know, masks have become very popular ever since the Gujarat satrap got his supporters to don them (the Modi masks). The 'Varaha Party'/'Varaha Sena' members too would wear masks… in order to look-alike and thereby bringing 'uniformity' to their campaign and identity… as well as to distinguish themselves from the 'hoi polloi', the 'aam' jaanta... pigs/varahas do not eat 'aam' you see (!)… and no prizes for guessing which mask that will be, though!

(Stay tuned!)

Note: Cartoons courtesy: http://cartoonistsatish.blogspot.com and http://www.cartoonstock.com

Photographs:

Hilarious takes on the 'scenarios' created due to the "Swine flu."

Between the 'Eye'PL lines...!!!

IPL is the current flavour of the season. Therefore I am blogging about it... and you will get to read about the goings-on as seen through my eyes. Before I begin, let me share a piece of 'breaking news'... regarding blogs... it seems there are 33 million blogs (Whew!) already out there on the net, and their numbers are growing by the day... but most of these blogs have only 1 reader... the blogger himself... or herself. We all firmly believe in 'equal' opportunity, right?!! 33 million!!! Umm... and to think that until recently I thought that this figure indicated to about 10% of the number of Gods (as per the cynics who are totally unaware of the Hindu faith and want to take a dig)... or even referred to the 10% of the population of India - during independence!!

The IPL... though in its season 2, has come a long way and acquired quite a few names already... masala cricket, T-20, 20/20... 'I'PL (due to the presence of too many 'stars' and their 'starry tantraums')... 'Eye'PL (after the 'who-will-blink-first' standoff between the Indian govt. via P.Chidambaram and Lalit Modi re: the venue). But Cyrus Broacha - the host of the news satire show - "The Week That Wasn't", christened it as the 'Cricket I-Pill'. Ahem! Ahem! These IPL matches... in its very 2nd season... are being played in South Africa instead of India... due to the 'poll dance' currently underway in India. FYI. In future it may also become 'Toss-20'... 'toss karo aur ghar jao' (translated to: 'toss the coin and go home')... !!! Why not (?)... after 5 days of test cricket, came the 50/50... one-dayers or 50 overs cricket, then 20/20... 20 overs cricket... so quite logical, no?!!

While watching the matches I 'realized' the importance of our 'names'... the very essence of our identity. There are players with names like: Wilkin 'Mota' and Salman 'Butt' (a Pak cricketer... who played in the IPL season 1 for KKR). Imagine going through the journey of life with names like that?!! Not funny! There is also a certain 'Takawale'... but he does not 'own' the World Bank or any other bank for that matter. And an 'Umar Gul' - (Umar = age, Gul = lost... another Pak cricketer, who played in the IPL season 1 for KKR). Such a name (!)... despite the fact, that he was born on 15 October 1984 in Peshawar... !!! I also heard a certain 'Gam beer' being referred to by some 'firang' commentators... no, they were not speaking of beer or bear (those found in the jungles as well as in the stock markets)... but merely talking about our prolific run-scorer and current 'wall in the making'... the 'daring devil', Gautam Gambhir.

A few matches were decided via the D/L method... the 'Duckworth-Lewis method'. This rule should be included in all IQ tests henceforth. As of now, only 2 gentlemen in this entire planet can make sense of it... one is Mr. Frank Duckworth and the other is Mr. Tony Lewis. Such genius! By the way, both these gentlemen are English statisticians... and aren't we aware of the 3 kinds of lies to be found in this world bit... lies, damn lies and statistics?!!

The other day, actually the 12th of May... in the match between the 'Kings XI Punjab' and the 'Mumbai Indians'... Brett Lee was out for a paltry 8 runs (caught by Rohan Raje) in 12 balls (bowled by Malinga). No free hugs, for Lee... from Preity!!! At this rate, his 'Bollywood' dreams will go up in smoke. Why didn't anybody tell him that we Indians like our silver screen 'heroes' to be singing, dancing, fighting champs who can bash up goons twice their size, and come up tops in everything from thumb wrestling to painting... kabaddi and cricket included?!! Hero means... 'Herogiri'... right???

And this Lasith Malinga chappie... I hear is known as 'Slinga'. I think he should be called 'Stinga' instead. Given the 'venomous' power he unleashes while bowling, if the ball hits the batsmen... it is sure to 'sting'! On second thoughts... perhaps, he is called 'Slinga' 'coz he is 'capable' of making the opponent batsmen wear a 'sling'... not a designer one, though... those are for THE SRK!!! Right??

Well, Lee made amends by removing the 'dangerous'... his visible 'signs of prosperity' notwithstanding... Sanath Jayasuriya... who scored a 'paltry' 4 runs in 7 balls. Mota took a blinder of a catch... he had not left behind his '(k)night vision goggles', unlike the 'Kolkata Knight Riders'... or is that the Kolkata (K)nightmare Riders?!!

Faint hopes for a free hug there... for Lee... but that was soon dashed by Johnny Bravo... oops, Dwayne Bravo... who blasted 70 off 59 balls to 'power' the Mumb(h)ai Indians to an eight-wicket victory over the Kings XI Punjab. Dwayne's 'bravado' carried the day for Sachin 'Fortyone'dulkar and his 'Boyz II Men'! Even, Sunny Sohal's 43 failed to put the 'shine' back onto the Kings... and no 'radiant' dimpled smile on Ms Zinta's face either. Lull before the storm... perhaps. The team of Bombay er 'Mumbai Dyeing' gave the 'Kings XI Punjab' the 'blues'!!! 'Yuvraj' still has some way to go to become 'Maharaj'... Meanwhile, last heard Shaun Marsh was having marshmallows. Looks like the Ambassador for the Kings is, 'Dardi Rub Rub Kardi' Daler Mehndi... time to bring out the iodex folks!

I was still left with a nagging question. In all the IPL season 2 matches, I did not see a certain 'turbanator'... 'scratching his armpits' even once. Hmmm... wonder which brand of 'deo' he is using these days... perhaps 'Maa Ki Recipe'... !!! What say??? ... And Oh before I forget... the Brand Ambassador for the Mumbai Indians is Hrithik Roshan... "Dhoom Macha de...!"

Note: Info gathered courtesy Wikipedia. Cartoons courtesy: http://ipladda.blogspot.com

IPL stands for the Indian Premier League.

There are no 33 million Gods in the Hindu faith, it is mere propaganda. Check this link for more info: http://www.hindu-blog.com/2008/05/330-million-gods-in-hindu-religion.html

P.Chidambaram is the (reluctant) Home Minister in the current cabinet - Govt. of India.

Lalit Modi is the Chairman and Commissioner of the Indian Premier League, Chairman of Champions League and the Vice President of the BCCI, besides holding several other positions elsewhere.

Photographs:

Just a hilarious take on the IPL season 2... all in good humour, though. I assure you.