The Outrageous Wisdom of Mullah Nasruddin!!

Want to read more stories involving this legendary sardonic Sage from the Middle Ages?? Its easy! Just visit my earlier blogs: 1. "The inimitable Mullah Naseeruddin." 2. "The Tales of Mullah Naseeruddin continues.....this time a score!" 3. "As you sow, so you reap." 4. "Return to Mullah Naseeruddin....." and 5. "Mullah Naseeruddin...once more!!" and relive the good old days of your childhood... when "Tinkle" was an inseparable part of our lives.....

1) The Mullah and the Scholar: Once, Mullah Nasruddin was ferrying a Scholar across a river and said something ungrammatical to him. "Have you ever studied grammar?" asked the Scholar. "No," replied the Mullah. "Then half your life has been wasted," said the Scholar looking pityingly at him. Sometime later the Mullah turned to his passenger, "Have you ever learnt to swim?" he asked. "No," replied the Scholar. "Then your whole life has been wasted," said Nasruddin. "We're sinking."

2) Putting off the evil day: Mullah Nasruddin once told a friend, "Well, I have been putting off the evil day for months now, but I have got to go this time."

- ''Dentist or Doctor?" inquired the friend.

- "Neither," said Nasruddin, "I am getting married."

3) The Important thing: One day, Nasruddin was repairing the tiles on the roof of his house. While Nasruddin was working on the roof, a stranger knocked on the door.

- "What do you want?" Nasruddin shouted.

- "Come down," replied the stranger, "So I can tell it. Its an important thing."

At this, Nasruddin slowly and reluctantly climbed down the ladder.

- "Well!" replied Nasruddin, "what was the important thing?"

- "Could you give a little money to this poor old man?" begged the stranger.

The tired Nasruddin started to climb up the ladder and said, "Follow me up to the roof."

When both Nasruddin and the beggar were up on the roof, Nasruddin said, "The answer is no!"

4) The Guest of Honour: One day Nasruddin went to a banquet. As he was dressed rather shabbily, no one let him in. So he ran home, put on his best robe and fur coat and returned. Immediately, the host came over, greeted him and ushered him to the head of an elaborate banquet table.

When the food was served, Nasruddin took some soup with a spoon and pushed it into the pocket of his fur coat and said, "Eat my fur coat, eat! It's obvious that you're the real guest of honour today, not me!"

5) The Lord's own servant: Mullah Nasruddin was unemployed and poor but somehow he got a little money to eat beans and pilaf at a cheap restaurant. He ate and examined the people walking past the restaurant with the corner of his eye. He noticed a tall, handsome, swashbuckler standing behind a crowd. The Man was well dressed from head to foot, wearing a velvet turban (a kind of headdress), silver embroidered vest, silk shirt, satin baggy-trousers and carrying a golden scimitar (a short sword with a curved blade).

Mullah Nasruddin pointed towards the man and asked the restaurant keeper, "Who is that man over there!"

- "He is Fehmi Pasha's servant," answered the restaurant keeper.

Mullah Nasruddin sighed deeply, looked up at the sky and said, "Oh, my Good Lord! Look at that Fehmi Pasha's servant and look at your own servant, here."

6) Playing the 'Zurna': Once, Mullah Nasruddin wished to learn to play the 'zurna' (a double-reed outdoor wind instrument, usually accompanied by a davul {bass drum} in Anatolian folk music. The name 'zurna' is thought to have come from the word 'surnay', translated as 'sur' {a large banquet} and 'nay' {cane or reed}) ..... and therefore visited a 'zurna' player.

- "How much does it cost to learn to play the 'zurna'?" asked Mullah Nasruddin.

- "Three hundred akche (coin) for the first lesson and one hundred akche for the next lessons," said zurna player.

- "It sounds good," replied Mullah Nasruddin. "We may start with the second lesson. I was a shepherd when I was a young boy, so I already had some experience at whistling. It must be good enough for the first lesson, isn't it?"

7) Moons and Stars: "Mullah! What do they do with the old full moons?" asked someone.

- "They cut them up into small pieces and make the stars," answered Nasruddin.

8) The art of carrying a coffin: "Mullah Nasruddin, which side must I walk when carrying a coffin, at the front, back, left or right?"

- "Take which ever position you like best, so long as you're not inside, its fine!" replied Nasruddin.

9) Centre of the World: One day, some people asked Mullah Nasruddin, "Could you tell us the exact location of the center of the world?"

- "Yes, I can," replied Mullah Nasruddin. "It is just under the left hind leg of my donkey."

- "Well, maybe! But do you have any proof?"

- "If you doubt my word, just measure and see for yourselves," responded Nasruddin.

10) The meaning of 'Fate': Someone asked Mullah Nasruddin, "What is the meaning of fate, Mullah Nasruddin?"

- "Assumptions," Mullah Nasruddin replied.

- "In what way?" the man asked again.

Mullah Nasruddin looked at him and said, "You assume that things are going to go well, and they don't - that's called 'bad luck'. You assume things are going to go badly and they don't - that's called 'good luck'. You assume that certain things are going to happen or not happen - and since you lack intuition you don't know what is going to happen. You assume that the future is unknown. Therefore, when you are caught out - you call that 'Fate'.

11) Nasruddin's judgement: 'Qazi' (Judge) Nasruddin was working in his room one day when a neighbour ran in and said, "If one man's cow kills another's, is the owner of the first cow responsible?"

- "It depends," answered Nasruddin.

- "Well," said the man, "your cow has killed mine."

- "Oh," answered Nasruddin. "Everyone knows that a cow cannot think like a human, so a cow is not responsible, and that means that its owner is not responsible either."

- "I'm sorry, Judge," said the man. "I made a mistake. I meant that my cow killed your cow."

Now, Nasruddin, the Judge thought for a few seconds and then replied, "When I think about it more carefully, this case is not as easy as I thought at first." And then he turned to his clerk and said, "Please bring me that big black book from the shelf behind you..."

12) Nasruddin riding backwards on his donkey: One day, Nasruddin arrived in the town, riding his donkey. The people stopped him to ask, "Why are you sitting backwards on your donkey?"

He replied, "I know where I am going, I want to see where I have been."

13) Scoring a century: Mullah Nasruddin became very aged; he attained a hundred years. A reporter came to see him, because he was the oldest citizen around those parts. The reporter said, "Nasruddin, there are a few questions I would like to ask. One is, do you think you will be able to live a hundred years more?" Nasruddin replied, "Of course, because a hundred years ago I was not as strong as I am now."

A hundred years ago, he was a child, a newborn, so he said, "A hundred years ago I was not as strong as I am now, and if a small child, helpless and weak, could survive for a hundred years, why shouldn't I?"

14) The Mullah's diet: Mullah Nasruddin was getting fatter and fatter, stouter and stouter. The doctor advised a diet. After two months, the Mullah went to see the doctor. The doctor said, "My God! It is a miracle! You are even fatter than before - I cannot believe my eyes! Are you strictly following the diet I gave you? Are you eating only that which I prescribed and nothing else?"

Nasruddin said, "Nothing whatever! Of course I'm following your diet."

The doctor couldn't believe it. He asked, "Tell me, Nasruddin, nothing whatever?"

Nasruddin said, "Of course! Except my regular meals." Regular meals PLUS the diet the doctor has prescribed...!

15) Nasruddin - the Magistrate: Mullah Nasruddin was once chosen as the Honorary Magistrate. The first case appeared in his Court. He heard one side of the argument and declared to the Court, "Within five minutes I will be back with the judgment." The Court Clerk could not believe it - he had not heard the argument of the other side! The Clerk whispered in his ear, "What are you doing? Don't you see a simple thing? You have heard only one party, one side. The other side is waiting, and without hearing them you cannot give any judgment. "

Mullah Nasruddin replied, "Don't try to confuse me. Right now I am absolutely clear. If I hear the other side too, then there is bound to be a confusion."

16) The Doctor and the Lawyer: One day a friend met Mullah Nasruddin on the road. He was walking with his two children. The friend asked, "How are your two children?"

Nasruddin responded, "Both are good."

The friend then asked, "How old are they?"

The Mullah replied, "The doctor is five and the lawyer is seven!"

17) Angel: One day, a friend of Mullah Nasruddin was talking to him. He said, "My wife is an angel."

At this, the Mullah said, "But mine is still alive."

18) Pretty girl: As a pretty girl passed by, Mullah Nasruddin turned to look at her. His wife grumbled, "Every time you see a pretty girl you forget you are married."

- "That's where you are wrong," said the Mullah. "Nothing makes me more aware of the fact!"

19) Nasruddin at the 'Turkish bath': Nasruddin went to a 'Turkish bath'. As he was poorly dressed the attendants treated him in a casual manner, gave him only a scrap of soap and an old towel. When he left, Nasruddin gave the two men a gold coin each. He had not complained, and they could not understand it. Could it be, they wondered that if he had been better treated he would have given an even larger tip? The following week Nasruddin appeared again. This time, of course, he was treated like a King. After being massaged, perfumed and treated with the utmost deference, he left the bath, handing each attendant the smallest possible copper coin.

- "This," said Nasruddin, "is for my previous visit. The gold coins were for this week."

20) Hair on his coat: Mullah Nasruddin was caught again and again (by his wife) with some woman's hair on his coat. He asked a friend for help.

The friend said, "It is simple. Before entering the house, you just clean your coat. Carry a brush always."

Nasruddin said, "That's a good idea! It never occurred to me, so simple!"

He found a brush. Before entering his house, he thoroughly cleaned his coat, suit and shirt. His wife looked at his coat, at his shirt, and then..... simply started beating her head and crying and screaming! Nasruddin asked, "What has happened? There is no hair at all!"

She said, "That's why I am crying. It seems you have started loving some bald woman!"

21) Nasruddin at the race course: One day, Mullah Nasruddin was gambling in a horse race. First race: he lost; second, he lost; third - same fate..... he went on losing. Whereas, the two ladies sitting by his side (in a box) were continuously winning every race. Then at the seventh race he could no longer contain his curiosity. What system were they following? Every race, and it was now the seventh, they had been the winners while he had lost all of them, and he had been working so hard for a win! So, he gathered some courage, leaned over, and asked the ladies, "You are doing very well?"

They replied, happily, "Yes." They were beaming with joy.

So he whispered, "Can you tell me about your system? Just a hint."

One lady said laughingly, "We have a lot of systems! But today we have decided to go for long tails."

22) Nasruddin visits a Psychiatrist: Once, Mullah Nasruddin was being analyzed by a Psychiatrist. After many months of analysis, many meetings, the Psychiatrist said, while the Mullah lay on the couch, "This is what I feel, this is what I conclude, you need to fall in love, you need a beautiful feminine object. Love is your need."

The Mullah said, "Between you and me, don't you think love is silly?"

The Psychiatrist said, "Between you and me? It would be absurd!"

23) The 'Kaftan': Old Mullah Nasruddin had become a very rich man. When he felt death approaching he decided to make some arrangements for his funeral. He ordered for a beautiful coffin made of ebony wood with satin pillows inside. He also had a beautiful silk Kaftan made for his dead body to be dressed in. The day the tailor delivered the Kaftan, Nasruddin tried it on to see how it would look, and suddenly exclaimed, "What is this! Where are the pockets?"

24) The Mullah is bored: One day, Mullah Nasruddin was tired, weary and bored. He called for his limousine, got in and said to the Chauffeur, "James! Drive at full speed.....over the cliff. I have decided to commit suicide."

25) Quiet during Khutbah: Once, Mullah Nasruddin, the 'Imam' of a Masjid (Mosque), and also the father of two young children, was about to enter the Masjid to give the Khutbah (Friday sermon). Before he entered the Mosque, he reminded them (his children) to be quiet - especially when he is delivering his 'Khutbah'.

He then asked his children, "And why is it necessary to be quiet during Jummah?"

Little Ahmed jumped up and yelled, "Because people are all sleeping!"

26) Saints' Brain: Once, Mullah Nasruddin visited a store. He found rare tropical fruits from the jungles of South America and many strange delicacies from Africa and the Middle East. In one corner he found a counter with several trays of human brains. There were politicians' brains at $1 per pound, engineers' brains at $2 per pound, and there was one tray with Saints' brains at $50 per ounce.

Since all the brains looked very much alike, he asked the man behind the counter, "Why do you charge so much more for the Saints' brain?"

The man peered out from behind his glasses and answered, "Do you have any idea how many Saints we have to go through to get a pound of brain?"

27) The broken glasses: One day, a worried Nasruddin visited a friend and said, "Ah, poor Mr. Jones. Did you hear, what happened to him? He tripped at the top of the staircase, fell down the whole flight, banged his head and died."

Shocked, his friend replied, "Died?"

- "Died," Nasruddin repeated with emphasis, "and broke his glasses too!"

28) Nasruddin and the Falling Woman: Once, a woman was standing on her balcony, on the 12th floor, when she accidentally fell off. As she is falling down, Father O'Reilly caught her from his balcony on the 9th floor.

Grateful for saving her, she said, "Oh, Thank you, you saved my life, I'll do anything for you!"

Father O'Reilly replied, "Okay then, sleep with me!"

- "In your dream, you pig!" the woman retorted.

- "Fine," said Father O'Reilly, shrugging his shoulder and then let go of her.

As the woman is falling again, Rabbi Goldberg caught her from his balcony on the 6th floor.

Again, being grateful, she said, "Oh, Thank you, you saved me, I'll do anything that you ask!"

Rabbi Goldberg said, "Okay then, sleep with me!"

- "You must be joking, you ape!" the woman replied.

- "Well, good bye then," responded Rabbi Goldberg and he lets go of her.

Now, as she is falling, yet again, she thought to herself that it would have been better if she had slept with either the Rabbi or the Priest.

But as luck would have it, this time she lands in the arms of Mullah Nasruddin who is standing on his balcony on the 3rd floor.

She cuts to the point, "Thank you handsome, you saved my life, I'll sleep with you!"

- "Astaqfirullah!" gasps Mullah Nasruddin and he lets go of her.....!

29) The 'Truth': "I do not know what the 'Truth' is," began a 'Dervish' after listening to one of Nasruddin's infrequent lectures..... but that was not it! Nasrudin began to tear his clothes and shouted, "Such expertise! Knowing what one does not know. If only I could know what I do not know."

30) Sweetest of all: "And are mine the only lips, Nasruddin, that you have ever kissed?" asked she.

- "Yes," said Nasruddin, "and they are the sweetest of all!"

Photograph: A cartoon depicting Mullah Nasruddin and his wife.

Mullah Naseeruddin...once more!!

Please visit my earlier blogs: "The inimitable Mullah Naseeruddin." "The Tales of Mullah Naseeruddin continues.....this time a score!" "As you sow, so you reap." and "Return to Mullah Naseeruddin....." to read more stories involving this legendary satirical Sufi figure from the Middle Ages (around the 13th century). Mullah Naseeruddin was well known as the saviour of the poor and needy from the clutches of greedy rulers and money lenders. He was a great traveller and travelled all over Asia. A lot of West Asian countries claim him as their own "Hero;" but, above all he is renowned for his wit and wisdom. Enjoy the Mullah Naseeruddin stories:

1) One evening, Mullah Nasrudin and his wife were sitting on a bench in the park. Without knowing that they were close by, a young man and his girlfriend sat down at a bench on the other side of a hedge. Almost immediately, the young man began to talk to her in the most loving manner imaginable.

- "He does not know we are sitting here," Nasrudin's wife whispered to her husband. "It sounds like he is going to propose to her. I think you should cough or something and warn him."

- "Why should I warn him?" asked Nasrudin, "Nobody warned me."

2) "Mullah, you look sad," said a friend. "What is the matter?"

- "I had an argument with my wife," said the Mullah, "and she swore she would not speak to me for 30 days."

- "Well, you should be very happy," said the first.

- "Happy?" exclaimed Mullah Nasrudin. "Today is the 30th day!"

3) One day, Mullah Nasiruddin decided to tie a knot for each of the reminders he needed. One fine day he manged to do all except one last task. He stayed up till 2 a.m. (in the morning) thinking as to what task did he tie the knot for. He kept on thinking.....all of a sudden, he remembered.....he had tied the knot as a reminder for him to sleep early (by 10:30 pm).....!

4) A tiny, fastidious woman came at rush-hour and upturned the whole grocery store. For hours she bothered and bored Nasruddin. Only after hours of struggle could he satisfy her; she finally purchased what she wanted and was satisfied. And then the woman said, "Mullah, you may not be knowing, but when I came to your shop I had a very terrible headache - and now it is absolutely gone!"

Nasruddin replied, "Dear Madam, don't be worried! Don't be worried! It has not gone. It has come to me!"

5) Once, Mullah Nasrudin was trying to buy a 'Health Insurance Policy'. The Insurance Agent was going through the list of standard questions.

- "Ever had an accident?" he asked.

- "Nope, nary a one," replied the Mullah.

- "None? You've never had any accidents."

- "Nope. Never had one. Never."

- "Well, you have mentioned in this form that you were once bitten by a snake. Wouldn't you consider that as an accident?" persisted the Insurance Agent.

- "Heck, no. That snake bit me on purpose," responded Nasrudin.

6) One day, Mullah Nasruddin was strolling on the Chowpatty Beach with his wife. Suddenly he asked his wife, "Would you like to have bhelpuri once more?" The surprised wife replied, "Once more? But we did not eat bhelpuri at all." The Mullah said, "Beloved, it seems you are losing your memory. Just fifty years ago when we got married and had come here for the first time, we had had bhelpuri. That's why I am asking, "Would you like it once more?"

7) Good News, Bad News: Here is the story of the venerable Mullah who one day got up after the Friday prayers and announced to the people, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets!"

8) A group of philosophers travelled far and wide, and contemplated for many years, the end of the world but could not state a time for its coming. Finally they turned to Mullah Nasruddin and asked him, "Do you know when the end of the world will be?"

- "Of course," said Mullah Nasruddin, "when I die, that will be the end of the world."

- "When you die? Are you sure?"

- "It will be for me at least," said Mullah Nasruddin.

9) A pesky neighbour: Mullah Naseeruddin was sick and tired of a pesky neighbour who borrowed incessantly from him. Now he wanted to be rid of this guy. So, the next time the neighbour came to borrow a clothesline, the Mullah said that he was sorry but could not lend it because he was drying his flour on it! The surprised neighbour asked him as to what sort of a reply was that. To which the Mullah retorted that it was the right sort of response to get rid of a pesky neighbour!

10) One night, Nasruddin was returning home along with one of his students, when he saw a gang of thieves standing in front of a house, trying to break the lock. Nasruddin perceived that he would probably get hurt if he spoke up, so he decided to stay silent and pass by quickly. However, his student did not understand what was happening and asked, "What are all those men standing there doing?"

- "Shhh!" said Nasruddin. "They're playing music!"

- "But, I can't hear anything!"

- "Well, we shall hear the noise tomorrow!" replied Nasruddin.

11) State of the Onion: The Mullah proceeded to the teahouse at the corner of the Town Square (civic center, city square, market square) and sat at his usual table, where he was served with his usual cup of tea. One of the ne'er-do-wells ran up behind him and knocked off his turban (a kind of headdress; a cloth headgear, usually wrapped around the head).

Another day at the teahouse: Mullah Nasiruddin was whiling away the afternoon with his friends, smoking from the hubble-bubble. A young boy was serving little cakes. Not a female was to be seen or heard.

-"Oh Mullah, why is it that people laugh at you?" asked someone.

- "Well," said Nasiruddin, "think of me as a turban. It is the nature of laughter to expose the false. If people laughed at themselves they would feel naked. Therefore, I provide them with a 'head covering'."

- "But Mullah, they are still naked!"

- "Shhhhh," said Nasiruddin, smiling...

12) Whom do you believe: Once, Mullah Nasiruddin borrowed a neighbour's donkey and failed to return it. Eventually the neighbour came over to inquire and, if necessary, to complain. The Mullah responded with a 'Farsi' (Persian language) phrase that translated as "Huh? What donkey?" The neighbour then described at length the previous transaction. Nasiruddin continued to exhibit a positive and cheerful failure to recall. However, near the end of the story (as narrated to him by his neighbour) came a distinctive noise from the back yard, sounding very much like the bray of a donkey.

- "That's my donkey," yelled the neighbour. "You've had it all along."

- "Who are you going to believe," retorted Nasiruddin, "Me or the donkey?"

13) A man was walking along the street when he passed by another man (Mullah Naseeruddin) with a lot of stubble on his face standing outside a shop. The first man asked, "How often do you shave?"

- "Twenty or thirty times a day," answered the man with the stubble (Mullah Naseeruddin).

- "What?! You must be a freak!" exclaimed the first man.

- "No, I'm only a barber," replied the man with the stubble (Naseeruddin).

14) Nasruddin meets 'Death': One day, Nasruddin was walking to the market.....when he saw a strange, dark shape appear and block his path.

- "I am 'Death'," it said, "I have come for you."

- "Death?" said Nasruddin. "But I'm not even old! And I have so much to do. Are you sure you aren't mistaking me for someone else?"

- "I only kill people who are not yet ready to die," said 'Death'.

- "I think you're wrong," replied the Hoja. "Let's make a bet."

- "A bet? Perhaps. But, what shall the stakes be?"

- "My life against a hundred pieces of silver," replied Nasruddin.

- "Done," said 'Death', a bag of silver instantly appearing in his hand.

- "What a stupid bet you made. After all, what's to stop me from just killing you now, and thus winning automatically?" asked 'Death'.

- "Because, I knew you were going to kill me," said Nasruddin, "that's why I made the bet."

- "Hmmm....." mused 'Death'. "I see. But . . . but, didn't you also know, then, that I would not be able to kill you, because of the terms of our agreement?"

- "Not at all," said Nasruddin, and continued walking down the road, clutching the bag of money...

15) Our Hero (the Mullah) was seen running through the streets of the town - right in the middle of the night. And he was shouting! "Thieves! Help! There are thieves in my house!" When he had calmed down the people started asking, "Did you actually see the thieves?"

- "No."

- "Then, how come you know, there are thieves in your home?" asked everyone.

- "Well, I am not as silly as you are, you dorks! I woke up and found myself thinking about a dream, when all of a sudden I realized, that thieves are quite capable of entering a house and moving around without making any noise at all. As I could not hear the slightest sound, I concluded precisely that there must be thieves in my house!"

16) It works, doesn't it! - The Mullah was beating a drum as hard as he could. The neighbours were fed up with the noise and asked him what he was doing.

- He replied, "Keeping wild tigers at bay."

- A neighbor shouted, "But Mullah, there are no wild tigers within a thousand miles from here."

- The Mullah smiled and replied, "It works, doesn't it!"

17) Mullah Naseeruddin found himself responsible for giving the largest sweets to a group of children. The problem was that the sweets were all about the same size, and the children knew that those sweets could be made in bigger sizes. Therefore, Naseeruddin decided to combine the sweets into a big dough and divide them in variously-sized balls. Then he called the children one by one and they were able to pick the largest sweets...

18) Mullah's English: Once the Mullah reached the Heathrow Airport. At the Customs counter the Officer asked, "What is your name?"

- "Peeeee kuiiiii chiiiiii Mullah Naseeruddin!" replied the Mullah.

- "Where have you come from?" asked the Officer.

- "Siiii jhuuuu kat kat cairo!" said Naseeruddin.

- "What have you came here for?" asked the Officer.

- "For cruuuuur tan tan visiting chiii suiiii places!" said Naseeruddin.

- "Why are you talking like that?"

- "I learnt English suuuuu jhrrrrr from brrr brrr BBC!!" retorted Naseeruddin.

19) Mullah Nasrudin was looking at some greeting cards. The Salesman said, "Here's a nice one - "To the only girl I ever loved."

- "Wonderful!" exclaimed Nasrudin. "I will take six of them."

20) Mullah Nasrudin had just asked his newest girlfriend to marry him. But she seemed undecided.

- "If I say 'No' to you," she asked, "would you commit suicide?"

- "That," said Nasrudin gallantly, "has been my usual procedure."

21) Mullah Nasrudin's wife was always after him to stop drinking. This time, she waved a newspaper in his face and said, "Here is another powerful temperance moral, 'Young Wilson got into a boat and sailed out into the river, and as he was intoxicated, he upset the boat, fell into the river and was drowned.' See, that's the way it is, if he had not drunk 'Whisky,' he would not have lost his life."

- "Let me see," said the Mullah. "He fell into the river, didn't he?"

- "That's right," said his wife.

- "He didn't die until he fell in, is that right?" he asked.

- "That's true," his wife agreed.

- "Then it was the water that killed him," said Nasrudin, "Not 'Whisky'."

22) One day, Mullah Nasrudin went to see the Psychiatrist and asked if the good doctor could split his personality.

- "Split your personality?" asked the doctor. "Why in heaven's name do you want me to do a thing like that?"

- "Because," said Nasrudin, "I am so lonely!"

23) Mullah Nasiruddin, an incorrigible drunkard had a wife who was always telling him to mend his ways. One fine day, she decided to go to the 'Pub' which he frequented. He was sitting and sipping his 'Beer' in style.....when suddenly he saw his wife entering the 'Pub'. Nasiruddin was wondering whether she would create a scene and embarass him with her verbal volleys, when his wife came over and sat next to him and said, "Mullah, enough is enough! Now that you are not going to change, I will. I will also drink with you." Now, the Mullah did not like what she said, but nevertheless, poured a glass of 'Beer' for her. She took a sip, cringed and said, "This is so bitter! You go on drinking this bitter thing everyday?!" The Mullah retorted, "And all these days you thought I enjoy drinks?!!"

24) Once, Mullah Nasrudin was hard of hearing and went to the doctor to cure himself. Here is their conversation:

- "Do you smoke?"

- "Yes."

- "Much?"

- "Sure, all the time."

- "Drink?"

- "Yes, just about anything. Any time, too."

- "What about late hours? And girls, do you chase them?"

- "Sure thing; I live it up whenever I get the chance."

- "Well, you will have to cut out all that."

- "Just to hear better? No, Thanks!" said Nasrudin, as he walked out of the doctor's office...

25) Mullah Nasruddin went to a Psychiatrist. He said, "I don't have much money, I don't have any time to waste on that couch stuff. All I want to do is ask you just two questions." The Psychiatrist said that it was not the way he usually conducted his business, but in the Mullah's case he would make an exception: "What are your questions?"

- The Mulla asked, "My first question is this, is it possible for a man to be in love with an elephant?" The Psychiatrist pondered over the query...seriously...for a few moments. Finally he said, "No, it is not possible for a man to be in love with an elephant."

The Mulla looked disappointed and asked whether the doctor was sure. At this, the doctor replied that he had no doubt about it.

- "Well, then," said the Mullah, "my second question is this, do you know anybody who could use an oversized engagement ring?"

26) "Well, Nasrudin, my boy!" said his Uncle, "My Congratulations! I hear you are engaged to one of the pretty Noyes twins."

- "Rather!" replied Mullah Nasrudin, heartily.

- "But," said his Uncle, "how on earth do you manage to tell them apart?"

- "Oh," said Nasrudin. "I don't try!"

27) "My grandfather," bragged one fellow in the teahouse, "lived to be ninety-nine and never used glasses."

- "Well," responded Mullah Nasrudin, "Lots of people would rather drink from the bottle."

28) Once, Nasrudin and his wife were in the house, eating their supper. Suddenly, they heard a noise in their compound. Nasrudin took his gun and rushed outside. He saw something white moving near his garden. He raised his gun and shot. When he went closer to see what he had shot, he discovered that it was his best shirt (his wife had washed and hung it on a tree to dry). Just then, his wife came running from the house.

- "Oh, you unlucky man!" she cried. "You have ruined your best shirt."

- "No," said Nasrudin. "I am the luckiest man on earth. I almost put that shirt on this morning. If I had been wearing the shirt, then surely I would have been killed."

29) The only way of doing it: Nasrudin was visited by some students, who asked whether they might hear his lessons. He agreed, and they set out to the lecture hall, walking behind the venerable Mullah, who sat backwards on his donkey. People began to stare. They thought that the Mullah must be a fool, and the students who followed him were even greater fools. Who after all, walks behind a man who rides a donkey backwards? After a while the students began to feel uncomfortable, and said to the Mullah, "O Mullah! People are staring at us, Why do you ride in this manner?" Nasrudin frowned, "You are bothered about what people are thinking, rather than what we are doing?" he said. "I shall explain it to you. If you walk in front of me, it would be showing disrespect to me, because you would have your backs to me. If I walked behind, the same would be true. If I ride ahead with my back towards you, it would be showing disrespect for you. This is the only way of doing it."

Photographs: (in clockwise order)

1) At the Ankara Amusement Park: The ever smiling Hodja Nasreddin - riding on his 'bronze' donkey - backwards, no less.....! (Wikipedia)

2) A picture of the 'Hodja-park' in Akşehir (a town and district of the Konya Province in the Central Anatolia region of Turkey) -- (Wikipedia)

Suppandispeak!!!

To Suppandi.....again!! Please visit my earlier blogs "Tales of "Suppandi" - the lovable buffoon." and "The tales of "Suppandi" continues." to get to know him better and read about some of his 'adventures.'

Here are some 'gems' from Suppandi...........

1) Suppandi says, "My mind works like lightning......one brilliant flash and it is gone!!"

2) Suppandi said, "Take my advice; I don't use it anyway!" :D

3) Suppandi said, "When you laugh, the world laughs with you; when you snore, you sleep alone." :)

4) "My friend is writing a novel.......wonder why he can't buy one from the market!" Tap tap tap.......(Suppandi is tapping his head, wondering......)

5) "Why do bagpipers walk when they play?"........"They’re trying to get away from the noise," replied Suppandi.

6) Suppandi said, "Wrote my exam at the doorstep. Hopefully I'll get through my 'entrance' exam this time!"

7) Suppandi said, "The Doc told me that these tablets have side effects......am cutting the sides off right now!!"

8) "Why don't you lend your wisdom tooth to me for a few days? Need it badly"......said Suppandi.

9) "I have been asked to keep an eye on the boiling milk.......any suggestions on what I can do with my other eye till then??!"........asked Suppandi.

10) "Mom is shouting at me :( How to make her understand that I didn't spend all day talking on the phone, most of the time I was only listening!"..........exclaimed Suppandi sadly.

11) "What do you call two banana peals?".............."A pair of slippers," said Suppandi :)

12) Suppandi is very upset because the radio stopped playing. Then he dismantled it and found two cockroaches inside, and realized that the singers were dead!

13) Suppandi is wondering why his Mom felt that the shopkeeper could pull the wool over his eyes.......he will definitely shut his eyes when he reaches the shop!

14) Suppandi is sure that the guy was mistaken, when the guy said that he has seen his (Suppandi's) face somewhere.......Suppandi would never let his face go anywhere!

15) Suppandi's friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.............He was pulled in by a strong currant!

16) Suppandi fought with the shopkeeper for not giving the 'fat free' with the oil!

17) "Suppandi, what do you call a fish with no eyes?".........."A fsh," replied Suppandi!

18) Suppandi went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day.........but could not find any.

19) "Those of you who are going to drink 'to forget,'...........please pay in advance".....said Suppandi.

20) Suppandi's friend's wife told him she believes in, "If the shoe fits, buy it in every colour!"..........Is it because of Holi??? wondered Suppandi.

21) Suppandi was wondering: Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"??!

22) Suppandi said, "At 70, my grandfather doesn't need glasses........he drinks straight from the bottle."

23) Suppandi buried the phone in the garden because it was dead......."gotta buy a new live one," he thought to himself!!

24) Suppandi is very confused about how one can have 'smelly feet' and 'running noses'!! Strange are the ways of the world........

25) Suppandi wants to be no. 6 when he grows up........he is sure he could make people smile!

26) Suppandi is trying to find a 'National flag' with different colour combinations!!!

27) Suppandi has been standing in the Sun for the past half an hour.......trying to dry his sweat! Just doesn't seem to work :(

28) Suppandi says, "What's the big deal if I made holes in the umbrella? I just wanted to be sure about when it stopped raining!"

29) Suppandi kept going out to check the letter box to see if he had received any letters, but finally gave up when he realized that his PC was lying. It went on saying "You've got mail."

30) Someone asked, "Did you hear about the two guys who stole everything from a house except the soap and towels?"............."They must be pair of dirty crooks,".........remarked Suppandi.

31) Suppandi likes eating vada..........the bonda with a hole!

32) Suppandi realized that it is easier to make a resolution than to keep one!

33) Suppandi's New Year resolution is to be less forgetful this year, than he was last year.

34) Suppandi is hoping that no one will remember that he had shouted "Happy Birthday" by mistake when the clock struck 12 (midnight) on New Year's Eve!

35) Suppandi is washing clothes. The instructions say that the detergent has to be dissolved in half a bucket of water, so he is cutting the bucket into half!

36) Suppandi said, "My Uncle told me that the price of newspapers will be going up from tomorrow........so, I bought ten copies of today's paper. How smart, na?!!"

37) Suppandi said, "Mom didn't want any leaves strewn in the balcony, so I plucked them all out from the plants. I don't know why she was angry later." :(

38) Suppandi went shopping the whole of last night. His friends had warned him that the rates are very high and the shopkeepers commit daylight robbery.

39) Suppandi - the genius - defines the word 'Doctor': "A doctor is a person who kills your ills by his pills, and kills you by his bills." :)

40) Suppandi said, "Mom told me to get a 40 and a 60 watt bulb. She was testing my maths! But I'm smart! I added 60 and 40 and got a 100 watt bulb instead!!!

41) Suppani was wondering, "And I thought the kid was quite ambitious.......wonder why his
teacher failed him........"

42) Suppandi got an electric shock after he read the book, "5 Philosophers Who Shocked the World."

43) Suppandi was thinking, "Love these sandals.......wonder why my friend Shambu ran away the moment he saw the first one........."

44) Suppandi was asked, "What would Dharmendra say to Hema Malini if he wanted her to call him up?"........ Suppandi replied, "Ring De Basanti!!"

45) Suppandi's friend told him, "My wife has learned the art of tackling my short term memory loss post Ghajini! .........Scribbled on my chest is Wife's birthday, 22nd - get groceries......etc."

Photograph: Suppandi - an image from "Tinkle."

Return to Mullah Naseeruddin.....

In this blog, I return to Mullah Naseeruddin.........once again! To read more stories involving this sardonic sage, please visit my earlier blogs: "The inimitable Mullah Naseeruddin.," "The Tales of Mullah Naseeruddin continues.....this time a score!" and "As you sow, so you reap."

Here are a few more stories of the endearing and inimitable Mullah Naseeruddin. Read on...........

1) A tasty dish: Naseeruddin's wife was a great cook. One day she had prepared a very tasty sweet dish - 'kheer' (rice pudding). The Mullah attacked the dish with such gusto that soon there was a sizeable dent in the pudding. His wife was worried that nothing would be left for her, if the Mullah continued in the same vein. So, she asked him to save some kheer for the following day. The Mullah reluctantly agreed. In the middle of night the Mullah woke his wife up.

Mullah: Hey, I have a great idea!

Wife: Can't you wait till tomorrow morning?

Mullah : No, no.....it is very important.

Wife: Okay, tell me.

Mullah: Okay. Let's talk about it tomorrow.

Wife: No, you have woken me now. So better tell me now.

Mullah: ......uhmmm.......okay, get me the sweet dish and I'll tell you.

Wife: What? Well, okay!

The Mullah polished off the dish and patted his stomach with great satisfaction.

Wife: Now tell me about your idea, Mullah!

Mullah: My idea? Oh Yeah! What I wanted to tell you was that it would be better to finish off the delicious kheer you made during the night itself - as it may be spoilt by morning. Now go back to sleep!

2) Selling the Donkey: The Mullah and his wife were sick of their lazy donkey and wanted to get rid of it. They decided to sell it and the Mullah took the donkey to the fair. When he returned from the fair........

Wife (eagerly): How much did you get for the donkey?

Mullah: The auctioneer was too good. He praised the donkey so much that soon people flocked around the donkey, wanting to buy it.

Wife: So, how much did you sell the donkey for?

Mullah : One guy offered 5 gold coins.

Wife: What? You sold it for 5 gold coins. Great!

Mullah: No, the auctioneer praised the donkey so much that another guy offered 10 gold coins.

Wife: 10 gold coins?!

Mullah: Another offered 20 gold coins.

Wife: What? You received 20 gold coins for our donkey?!

Mullah: Yet another guy offered 30 gold coins.

Wife (giddy with delight): Stop, or I am going to faint........

The donkey brays in the background......

Wife: What was that? Sounds like our donkey, isn't it?

Mullah: The auctioneer praised our donkey so much that I myself bought the donkey for 35 gold coins (sheepishly turning around to gaze at the donkey munching on hay)

Thud! (his wife faints and falls down)

Hope you liked this story. Naseeruddin sometimes is clever and at other times acts plain foolish. This is one story where he gets carried away and buys his own donkey.

3) Nasruddin opened a booth with a sign above it: 'Two Questions On Any Subject Answered For Only 100 Silver Coins.'

A man who had two very urgent questions to ask, handed over the money, saying, "A hundred silver coins is rather expensive for two questions, isn’t it?"

- "Yes," said Nasruddin, "and the next question, please?"

4) The Mullah while carrying some wood on his back mounted his donkey. The children in his neighbourhood asked, "Why don't you put the wood on the donkey's back?"

The Mullah said, "It would displease God if the donkey were to carry both myself and the wood."

5) One hot summer day, Nasruddin was resting in the shade of a walnut tree. After a while, he started eyeing speculatively, the huge pumpkins growing on weak vines and the small walnuts growing on a majestic tree.

- "Sometimes I just can't understand the ways of God!" he mused. "Just fancy.....letting tiny walnuts grow on so majestic a tree and huge pumpkins on the delicate vines!"

Just then, a walnut snapped off the branch of the tree and fell smack on Nasruddin's bald head.

He got up at once and lifting his hands and face towards the heavens - in supplication, said, "Oh God! Forgive my questioning your ways! You are all-wise. Where would I have been now, if pumpkins grew on trees?!"

6) One day, Nasruddin went to the market and bought a fine piece of meat. On the way home he met a friend who gave him a special recipe for the meat. Nasruddin was very happy. But all of a sudden, before he reached home, a large crow snatched the meat from Nasruddin's hands and flew off with it.

- "You thief!" an angry Nasruddin called after the departing crow. "You have stolen my meat! But you won't enjoy it; I have got the recipe!"

7) Once a renowned philosopher and moralist was traveling through Nasruddin's village when he asked him (Nasruddin) - where he could find a good eating place/eatery. Nasruddin suggested a place and the scholar, eager for some company/conversation, invited Mullah Nasruddin to join him. Much obliged, Nasruddin accompanied the scholar to a nearby restaurant, where they asked the waiter about the 'special dish of the day.'

- "Fish! Fresh Fish!" replied the waiter.

- "Bring us two," they answered.

A few minutes later, the waiter reappeared with a large platter - with two cooked fish on it, one of which was quite a bit smaller than the other.

Without hesitating, Mullah Nasruddin helped himself to the larger fish. The scholar, giving Nasruddin a look of intense disbelief, proceeded to tell him - that what he (Nasruddin) did was not only blatantly selfish, but also violated the principles of almost every known moral, religious and ethical systems. Nasruddin calmly listened to the philosopher's extempore lecture patiently, and once the scholar was done, the Mullah said, "Well, Sir, what would you have done?"

- "I, being a conscientious person, would have taken the smaller fish for myself," replied the scholar.

- "And here you are," Nasruddin said, and placed the smaller piece of fish on the gentleman's plate.

8) One day two small boys decided to play a trick on Mullah Nasruddin. With a tiny bird cupped in their hands they asked him whether it was alive or dead. If Nasruddin said it was alive they would crush it - to show him that he was wrong. If he said it was dead they would let it fly away and still fool him. When they found the wise old man they asked, "Mullah Nasruddin, tell us whether the object we are holding, is alive or dead?"

Mullah Nasruddin thought for a moment and replied, "Ah, my young friends, that is in your hands! Isn't it?"

- "Mullah Nasruddin, why do you always answer a question with another question?" they asked.

- "Do I?" replied the Mullah.

9) On one frigid and snowy winter day, Nasruddin was having a chat with some of his friends at the local coffee house. The Mullah boasted that cold weather did not bother him, in fact, he could stay if necessary, all night without any heat.

- "We'll take you up on that, Mullah Nasruddin," said his friends. "If you stand all night at the village square without warming yourself by any external means, each of us will treat you to a sumptuous meal. But if you fail to do so, you will treat us all to dinner."

- "All right, it's a bet then," Mullah Nasruddin said.

That very night, the Mullah stood at the village square till morning despite the bitter cold. In the morning, he ran triumphantly to his friends and told them that they should be ready to fulfill their promise.

- "But as a matter of fact you lost the bet, Nasruddin," said one of them. "At about midnight, just before I went to sleep, I saw a candle burning - behind a window - about three hundred yards away from where you were standing. That certainly indicates that you warmed yourself by it."

- "That's ridiculous," Nasruddin argued. "How can a candle placed behind a window warm a person three hundred yards away?"

All his protestations were to no avail, and it was decided that Nasruddin had lost the bet. The Mullah accepted this decision and invited all of them to a dinner that night at his home. They all arrived on time, laughing and joking, anticipating the delicious meal that Nasruddin was going to serve them. But dinner was not ready yet. Nasruddin told them that it would be ready in a short time, and left the room to prepare the meal.

A long time passed, and still no dinner was served. Finally, getting impatient and very hungry, they went into the kitchen to see if there was any food being cooked at all. They could not believe their eyes once they went into the kitchen - the sight awaiting them was unbelievable! Nasruddin was standing by a huge cauldron, suspended from the ceiling and there was a lit candle below the cauldron.

- "Be patient my friends," Nasruddin told them. "Dinner will be ready soon. You can see that it is getting cooked."

- "Are you out of your mind, Mullah Nasruddin?" his friends shouted in anger. How can you cook food with such a tiny flame beneath such a large pot suspended from the ceiling?"

- "Your ignorance of such matters amuses me," Nasruddin retorted. "If the flame of a candle behind a window three hundred yards away can warm a person, surely the same flame will cook the food inside this pot - which is only three inches away."

10) Nasruddin and his wife returned home one day to discover that their house had been burgled. Everything portable had been taken away.

- "It's all your fault," said his wife, "for you should have made sure that the house was locked before we left."

Some neighbours had gathered around by then, and they too voiced their opinion:

- "You did not lock the windows," said one.

- "Why did you not expect this?" said another.

- "The locks were faulty and you did not replace them," said a third.

- "Just a moment," said Nasruddin, "surely, I am not the only one to blame?"

- "And who should we blame then?" they shouted.

- "What about the thieves?" said Nasruddin. "Are they totally innocent?"

11) Nasruddin was awakened in the middle of the night by the cries of two quarreling men in front of his house. He waited for a while, but the men continued to dispute with each other. Nasruddin couldn't sleep, so wrapping his quilt tightly around his shoulders, he rushed outside to separate the men who had by now almost come to blows. But when he tried to reason with them, one of them snatched the quilt off his shoulders, and then, both the men ran away. Nasruddin, very weary and perplexed, returned to his house.

- "What was the quarrel about?" wondered his wife, when Nasruddin came in.

- "It must be our quilt," replied Nasruddin. "The quilt is gone, the dispute has ended."

12) "Brothers and sisters," the Mullah began, "believers in God and His Prophets, the Almighty has endowed us with a mind and the ability to choose and today’s sermon will address precisely this issue. As you all know, our community has fallen on hard times, the poor are getting poorer with every passing day and need a helping hand more than ever before, just to get on with their daily lives. Why, even this very Mosque where you come for your daily prayers has become so dilapidated that it urgently needs repairs, repairs for which we do not have the financial means. Consequently, we, the community of believers, are in dire need of the charity of those among us whom God has graced with His favours and endowed with wealth - as a test of their faith......and as you know, everything in life is a test! Therefore, before I begin, I will give you the choice. Before me, I have three sermons prepared, one which will last five minutes and is worth $100, the other which will last 15 minutes and is worth $50, and finally the one which will last over an hour and is worth $10. So now, I will ask my assistants to pass this box around - where you can place your much-needed donations and we will determine - exactly which sermon is most suited for your needs and which you will henceforth like me to deliver!"

13) One evening, the Mullah was frantically searching for something - in the front room of his hut. A peasant, who was passing by, became curious.

- "Naseeruddin, what are you looking for?" the peasant asked.

- "Oh! I am looking for my ring," the Mullah replied.

- "Where did you lose it?" the peasant inquired.

- "I lost it in my backyard, while I was clearing the shrubs in the morning," the Mullah replied, continuing his search.

- "Why aren’t you looking for it in your backyard, then?"

- "Because the backyard is dark and full of undergrowth. I know I will never be able to find the ring there. It is easier to search for it in my room which has light, and that is what I am doing," the Mullah explained.

14) Once, Mulla Nasiruddin was walking along the road, all by himself. Everytime a truck passed by he got scared - shivering and anxious. On being questioned about his strange behaviour, he said, "I felt like a free bird since my wife left with a truck driver. Now, everytime I saw a truck pass by, I thought that the driver was coming back to return my wife. Hence I got scared."

15) The invitation: One day, Nasiruddin's friends surrounded him and demanded that he take them to his house, at least once. He had made many excuses in the past, but this was his D-day and he had no choice but to take them. Nasiruddin was very worried. He knew that his wife would be very upset; for what did he have, to feed them with? When they were near his house, Nasiruddin told them to wait at a distance while he went ahead and explained to his wife.......

- "No friends of yours are coming inside this house!" thundered his wife.

At this, Nasiruddin promptly replied "OK then," and ran upstairs - to the attic.

His friends grew impatient and finally knocked on the door.

- "Let us in Nasiruddin," they demanded.

- "He's not at home," his wife protested.

- "We saw him enter through this door," exclaimed his friends.

- "May be, he escaped through the side windows!" yelled Nasiruddin from the attic window.

16) Nasiruddin's cat: One day, Nasiruddin came home very excited and cheerful.

- "We'll have kebabs tonight, here's the shopping," he said to his wife and then went to take a quick nap.

His wife ended up having all the kebabs herself, she could not resist them.

When Nasiruddin woke up, he was told, "the cat ate it all."

- "The cat ate all 6 kilos?!" exclaimed Nasiruddin.

- "Yes, all of it," replied his wife.

Nasiruddin weighed the cat and it weighed exactly 6 kilos.

- "If this is the cat then where's the meat, and if this is the meat then where's the cat?" asked Nasiruddin.

17) Bad luck: Off to hunt deer, the first person that the 'Aziz' (wealthy local) spotted was Nasiruddin. He exclaimed, "The man's bad luck. I won't catch anything today! Whip him."

Aziz's ruling was carried out. However the hunt was spectacular - 26 deer.

The 'Aziz' got his men to get Nasiruddin before him.

- "My apologies, Sir. I thought you were bad luck, but you're obviously not," admitted the 'Aziz.'

Nasiruddin quietly replied, "You thought I'm bad luck and hunted 26 deer, whereas I received 20 whiplashes after seeing your face. Isn't it clear who's bad luck?"

18) Sheikh scribe: An unlettered farmer came up to Nasiruddin and requested that he take a dictation, i.e., write a letter for him.

- "I can't, my feet is wounded," replied Nasiruddin.

- "So what, Sheikh?" exclaimed the farmer. "How does your feet affect your ability to write?"

- "No one can read my handwriting. Therefore, I must go with the letter. How can I travel with the letter with wounded feet, please explain?" said Nasiruddin.

19) Mullah Naseeruddin went to a 'Hakeem' (a desi doctor) who also doubled up as a psychiatrist in the village and confided in him that he was developing an inferiority complex.

On being questioned as to what made him feel so, the Mullah said - he felt his contemporaries and colleagues were trying to be his equal!

20) Mullah (Priest) Nasiruddin being the most educated and learned man in his village often led the prayers in the village, settled disputes and dispensed justice, when asked for. One day, a man came to meet Nasiruddin; soon after a woodcutter followed as well. The man had a complaint against the woodcutter and wanted justice. Mullah Nasiruddin said, "All right, tell me what your complaint against the woodcutter is?"

The man narrated the following story:

- "Mullah Saheb! This man (pointing to the woodcutter) was walking with a bundle of wood on his head. While he was walking, he tripped over a stone and the bundle fell from his head. The woodcutter, unable to put the bundle back on his head by himself, saw me passing by, and requested me to lift the bundle and put it on his head. I agreed to help him and asked, "I will help you, but what will you give me in return?" The woodcutter said, "Nothing." Thereafter, I lifted the bundle of wood and put it on his head. Then I said, "Now, please give me 'Nothing'." But this man refuses to give me 'Nothing'."

- "The Mulla said, "Oh I see! So you want 'Nothing'?"

- "Yes, I do not want anything else," replied the man.

- "All right, do not worry. I will see to it that you get 'Nothing' right now," said Nasiruddin.

Saying this, the Mullah pointed to an empty earthen pot (kept in a corner of the room), and asked the man to bring it to him. The man brought the empty earthen pot before Nasiruddin.

The Mullah asked him, "What is this?"

The surprised man replied, "Sir, this is a pot."

The Mullah said, "That is correct. Now look inside the pot very carefully."

When the man did so the Mullah asked, "My friend, what do you see inside the pot?"

- "Nothing," replied the man.

The Mulla said, "All right then, take it. Take your 'Nothing' and be gone. You have now got what you wanted."

The man realising that his trick had failed, felt humiliated and immediately left the place. The woodcutter was very happy with the justice meted out!

21) Nasruddin loved his donkey. One day the townspeople came running to him,

- "Effendi, Effendi! Your little donkey is lost!"

Nasruddin replied, "Praised be Allah! Why, if I was astride him, I would have been lost too!"

22) One day, Nasruddin had invited a visiting scholar to his house, for a meal. Upon the self-important scholar's arrival at Nasruddin's house, he was not at home. The scholar knocked and knocked but there was no response, he looked through the windows and found that there was no one inside. Thereafter, the scholar waited, and as he waited, he became more and more angry.

- "Why, doesn't Nasruddin know who I am?"........"I am so and so and who does he think he is to keep me waiting," the scholar thundered as he stomped around Nasruddin's courtyard.

Finally, he became so furious that he grabbed a pencil and scribbled the following word on the doorway - "IDIOT!"

Around 2 o'clock, Nasruddin returned home, saw the word that was scribbled on the door and suddenly remembered! He immediately ran back to the marketplace shouting for the scholar. Once he spotted the scholar, he said, "Oh, I am so sorry, please forgive me, I remembered our appointment when I saw your name written on my door."

23) Mullah Nasrudin and his wife went to a church that had over its Portal the following inscription: "This is the house of God -- This is the gate of Heaven."

Nasrudin glanced at these words, then tried to open the door but found it locked. Then, turning to his wife he said, "In other words - Go to Hell!"

24) "My wife talks to herself," a friend told Mullah Nasrudin.

- "So does mine," said the Mullah, "But she doesn't realise it. She thinks I am listening."

25) Once, the Mullah was travelling to London from Cairo in a four engine plane. After a few hours of flying, the Captain announced that one of the engines of the plane was not working - hence the arrival at London may get delayed by 15 minutes. Naseeruddin was reading a book and did not pay much attention to the announcement. After a few minutes the Captain announced again - that another engine had stopped working, hence the delay will be around half an hour. The Mullah kept on reading the book. After sometime, the Captain announced that the third engine was also not working, hence the delay may increase to an hour or so.

This time, the Mullah called an air hostess and told her, "Ask the Captain to keep a watch over the fourth engine, otherwise we may have to stay up in the sky all night long!"

26) The Leading Cause of Death: While taking a break from his busy schedule, Nasrudin decided to watch some programmes on American television. At first, he just played with the remote control - surfing channels and glancing through all the different programmes on air. Then, something caught his attention on a news programme - they were reporting on the latest statistics about disease and which disease was claiming the most lives and what progress had been made in curing these diseases, so far.

After the programme ended, Nasrudin ran out of his room to speak with one of his students - who was busy fixing dinner for the Mullah.

- "I don’t believe it!" said Mullah Nasrudin.

- "What is the matter, Sir?" the student replied.

- "Here, you live in such an advanced country and no research at all is being conducted on the most widespread of all causes that leads to death! They don’t even mention it!" replied the Mullah dramatically.

The student stopped whatever he was doing and turned to Nasrudin saying, "No research at all? What cause are you talking about, Sir?"

Mulla Nasrudin looked at the student and said, "Birth! What else?"

27) One day, Naseeruddin was sitting on a chair in a crossway and enjoying his meal - an egg. A Man who was passing through the crossway saw the Mullah - sitting on a chair and enjoying his meal. He found it to be funny and went up to the Mullah and said, "O Mullah! Are you sitting on a chair and eating egg?"

Naseeruddin looked at him and replied, "Why? Should I sit on the egg and eat the chair, instead?"

28) A young man had just passed the examination for a private pilot's license. He wanted to show off his flying skills and persuaded Mulla Nasrudin to fly with him.

When they landed, the Mulla said, "Thanks for the two rides."

- "What do you mean by two rides, Uncle?" asked the young man. "You only had one."

- "Oh no," said Nasrudin. "Two. My first and last rides."

29) Nasrudin climbed into someone's kitchen garden and started filling a sack with everything he could lay his hands on. A gardener saw him and came running.

- "What are you doing here?" demanded the gardener.

- "I was blown here by a high wind," replied Nasrudin.

- "And who uprooted the vegetables?" asked the angry gardener.

- "I caught hold of them to stop myself from being swept along," said Nasrudin.

- "And how is it that there are vegetables in that sack?"

- "That is just what I was wondering about when you interrupted me," replied Nasrudin calmly.

30) On hearing that a man wanted to learn the Kurdish language, Nasrudin offered to teach him. Nasrudin's own knowledge of Kurdish was limited to a few words.

- "We shall start with the word for 'Hot Soup' today," said Nasrudin. "In Kurdish, this is called 'Aash'."

- "I don't quite understand, Nasrudin. How would you say 'Cold Soup,' then?" asked the man.

- "You never say 'Cold Soup.' The Kurds like their soup hot," replied Nasrudin.

31) Nasrudin had saved up - for a new shirt. He went to a tailor's shop, full of excitement. The tailor took his measurements and said, "Come back in a week's time, and if God wills, your shirt will be ready."

Nasrudin managed to contain his excitement for a week and then went back to the shop.

- "There has been a delay. But if God wills, your shirt will be ready tomorrow," said the tailor.

Nasrudin returned, the following day.............

- "I am sorry," said the tailor, "but it not quite finished yet. Try tomorrow, and if God wills, it will be ready."

- "How long will it take," asked the exasperated Nasrudin, "if you leave God out of this?"

32) A police officer attempts to stop a car for overspeeding (Nasrudin is driving the car). Nasrudin gradually increases the speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes that he can't escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my duty is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behaviour, I'll let you go."

Nasrudin thinks for a few seconds and responds, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer - now trying to give her back!"

33) Mullah Nasruddin was reading a newspaper.........when suddenly he called out to his wife, "I have caught four flies, two are male and two are female."

His wife said, "My God, how did you manage to know their gender?"

The Mullah replied, "Easy! Two were reading the newspaper with me for hours. And the other two were sitting on the mirror, completely glued."

34) Once, Nasruddin had applied for a post - on a ship. He was called for an interview. The Captain and other high officials of the ship were sitting in the room. The Mulla entered.......

The Captain asked, "If the seas are in a turmoil, winds are strong, waves are huge and mountainous, what are you going to do to save the ship? It is being tossed from here to there......"

Nasruddin said, "It is not much of a problem. I will just drop a huge anchor to keep the ship stable against the winds, against the waves. It is not much of a problem."

The Captain again asked, "Suppose another mountainous wave hits, and the ship is going down; what are you going to do?"

Nasruddin said, "Nothing - another huge anchor."

The Captain looked at him and asked for a third time, "Suppose there is a great typhoon and it is impossible to save the ship. What are you going to do?"

Nasruddin replied, "Nothing, the same - a huge anchor."

The Captain then asked, "From where are you getting these huge anchors?"

Nasruddin responded, "From the same place - from where are you getting these great, mountainous waves, strong winds, etc., - from the same place. You go on getting them, I will go on getting bigger and bigger anchors."

35) Once a friend of Mullah Nasruddin was talking to him. They had met after many years. Both were bitter rivals; both were poets. Both started to boast about the progress they had made in their careers.

- "You have no idea Nasruddin, how many people read my poetry now," bragged the friend, "My readers have doubled."

- ''My God, My God!" cried Nasruddin. "I had no idea you got married!"

36) One day Mullah Nasruddin's wife was running after him with a stick. To save himself he slipped under the bed. His wife being an overweight lady, could not get there.

The Mulla said, "Now you know who is the 'Master' of the house?!"

Exactly at that moment, there was a knock on the door; some neighbours had come to meet the Mullah.

His wife asked him to come out, "We can finish our quarrel later on. Now the neighbours are here."

Nasruddin said, "Let them come! Let everybody know once and for all who is the 'Master' of this house! I am the 'Master,' and wherever I want to sit, I will sit!"

37) Mullah's remedy: One day, Mullah Naseeruddin met an acquaintance on the street. The man looked worried and the Mullah asked him about it.

- "I have this terrible dream," said the man. "Every night I dream - that there is a monster hiding under the bed. When I get up and look beneath the bed, there is no one there, but I can't sleep afterwards. I am on my way to the doctor's chamber, the doctor says he can cure me for a hundred Dinars."

- "A hundred Dinars!" exclaimed the Mullah. "I can rid you of your problem for five!"

The man immediately took out 5 Dinars and handed them to the Mullah.

- "Now tell me what to do," said the man eagerly.

- "The remedy is simple," said Naseeruddin, pocketing the money. "Saw off the legs of the bed."

(More later)

Photograph: An illustration of Mullah Naseeruddin astride his donkey.