Wednesday, June 23, 2010

One year ago/ Poll-i-nation... !!!

Author's note: Do read "An Ode to... One year of UPA-II...!!!";

The dimpled Prince has just turned forty... yet is not naughty! Or haughty. But is certainly haute! Couture... not coterie! This is the icing on the cake... on top of which is a red cherry! Singh is still the King... and not President Bling Bling. I meant Sarkozy silly. Not Billy. Even if their knees... turn to jelly beans. Voices across the seven seas... Attention, Stand at ease! Anderson is not well en'Dow'ed... yet too many cooks spoilt the broth! One of our many 'experiments with truth'. You see... tortoises can't scoot. The French have kissed the 2010 Football World Cup... goodbye. Let us give it a try. Through Italy... you silly! They too can celebrate our victories in cricket... that'll make it an even wicket. Meanwhile L'affaire L. Modi... has taken a back seat. That's what the Japanese call JIT - Just in Time. Pantomime.

Flashback/One year ago:

Polling over and the results declared... it was time for some 'poll-i-nation'. During the polls the whole country held its collective breath... and awaited the verdict with bated breath. Everyone heaved a sigh of relief... while the vanquished had a look of utter disbelief. Even astrologers and soothsayers refused to bite the (hefty) baits... they did not want a loss of face. Or maybe did not want to end up with egg on their face! Not yours truly though, I felt that the UPA will cross 250... and cruise to safety! But, I am neither an astrologer nor a soothsayer... just a citizen mere. After 'Singh is King'... it was time for some 'poll-i-nation'... not 'aaya ram gaya ram'. We are all 'politically correct', 'polite' beings, inspite of being janta-aam... !

In the tussle between "Jai Ho" and "Bhay Ho"... "Jai Ho" came out tops. Perhaps, the NDA poll managers had not heard of the "Pandora's box". Once the box was opened everything flew (mind you I did not say 'flu') away... leaving behind "hope". Since then... "umeed pe duniya qayam hai". Therefore, no 'bhay'... only 'Jai'. No one likes to vote out of fear or for negative messages... this has been stated by all the wise sages... through the ages. People vote for 'hope', not 'doom'... certain folks need to understand this... soon.

Games of 'ruthna-manana', 'katti-mitti', 'running around in circles' and 'musical chairs' went on... and on and on. There were some birds with ruffled feathers... and some 'fair weathered' ones at that. But then... so what...?? 'Birds of a feather flock together'... !!! They can talk about the weather... much later.

From being branded as 'weak'... the Sardarji took his oath of office for the 2nd time on 22nd May - the 4th 'week'. Our man(mohan) had his swearing in... along with 19 of his initial team. The next round was held on May 26th... a tuesday... a mangalvaar. Isn't it: "Jai Ho... Mangalmay ho"... ?!! Aur aagle paanch saal tum hi raho... ! During the swearing-in many were seen contemplating... on what could have been...

Post poll juggling and many a haggling... took place in the days that followed... with many an inch surrendered and pride swallowed. 'Poll-i-tics' certainly makes for many a strange bed-fellow! This one has resulted in a multi-party 'coalition' rainbow... !!! Both UPA and NDA agreed on one point though... that the 3rd and 4th fronts were non-existent. This is called: "Unity in diversity"... and is the beauty of (the largest) democracy.

Some were feeling shy while others were eating humble pie. It was also time to sort out the 'berth' problems... and to decide who will be at the helm. There were 'berth control' talks as well... this one could not fail..!

The DMK said: "Kya hua tera wada... woh kasam woh irada". King Cong replied: "Hum bewafaa hargiz na thhe... par hum wafa kar na saake". Then judging that the lyrics would not suit the occasion... felt it was prudent to go with the song: "Ruthe huye yaar ko manana chahiye". Later on, King Cong sang in a voice very sing(h) song: "Ruth na jana"... "Dekho rutha na karo". In the end... both ran around the trees sing(h)ing: "Tunak tun ta naa... O saathi re, tere bina bhi kya jeena"...

Meanwhile, after having the proverbial egg dripping down their faces, Karat, Yechury, Lalu, Paswan, Mulayam and gang... have understood the funda of the golden words: "Sunday ho ya Monday... roz khao ande" and that everyday is not a 'sunday'... !! Kabhi Kabhi it also becomes 'dande'.

'Mayajal-wati' is on a sacking spree... sab 'maya' hai! Aaj hai to kaal nahi hai.

Some were on an ego trip, others were tripping over themselves while a 'Prince Charming' was contemplating, "To be or not to be"...

A few were hit by a thunderbolt. A 'bolt from the blue'... and I am not referring to Usain bolt... mind you. Too much target practice proved to be a bane for an Arjun... while a Hans Raj had stuck his long neck out too far. Otherwise... its family time folks... no joke.

A few had to face the 'alt+cntrl+del' while others managed to 'seal it'. It was all very bittersweet. A certain Farooq was briefly out of the good book... and went off to watch the IPL in a huff. He was asked to please come back and then sab kuch maaf... "Aa bhi jaa, aa bhi jaa, ae Farooq aa bhi jaa"...

Advaniji is suffering from the 'blues' these days... and sing(h)s in a mournful tune... "Tu ne O rangeelee kaisa jadu kiya"... and ends with the inevitable... "Dil(li) ka bhramar kare pukaar"...

The DMK family 'soap opera' was fast turning out to be a 'sop opera'... the more the merrier. The 'sop' that is... and not the soap. The chubby Azhagiri was sent off to Delhi... to look after chemistry and other fertile issues... while the lean and mean Stalin became the Yuvraj. No haarj..! Even the grandnephew... Phew! Daughter Kanimozhi too will get... at a later date. The Congress matriarch has shown a lot of 'karuna' to the DMK patriarch. Seedhi baat. Thankfully he only married thrice... else they would have had to pay an even higher price. For their support, silly! That doesn't come for free.

Baalu was sent on a forced vanvaas... without too much fuss. Strange things happen in this 'kali-yug'... even Ministries lay eggs... ! The Communications ministry was in danger of splitting into two or even three. Telecom and postal, and information technology. Just to accommodate an upset ally. Afterall, they want to be pally. The surface transport and shipping ministry too was to be redesigned and undergo a similar bifurcation. All in the interests of the nation. Singhji did not want a certain Raja... but then relented and said: Aare Raja... aaja, aaja, aaja, tu band baaja leke aaja.

The current count is at 79... and may reach a century. Yippie! Under one roof you have... dadalog, babalog and a baby. That is Agatha Sangma, you see... just like a happy family... ! In the Parliament one can also find some famous 'bards'... who have won the (No)bail award... !!!

Some may get to be Governors... in their twilight years. No fears. Others get an ego massage... as a rite of passage... to a ministry... to make their grand entry. Didi got the railways and will run it from fort Kolkata... no big deal, its just a small matter. Even a certain Patil renowned for his sartorial elegance... may be given a gubernatorial position... where he'll get ample opportunity to display his... well, what else... but his sartorial elegance... !

Finally, we have in place a ministry... to run the affairs of this country... the world's largest democracy. Smoothly and in peace... ?? Can't say... lets see. India is a land of many surprises... even the meaning of 'giving the finger'... has now changed forever. If only Chappel had known... there would have been no contention and no bone!

Note: The views expressed here are entirely in good humour and without malice.


Hilarious takes on the pre-poll and post-poll scenarios - 2009 - in India.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

One year ago/ UP, UP and (UP)AWAY... UPA Aala Re... !!!

Author's note: Do read "An Ode to... One year of UPA-II...!!!" and

The Khap panchayats continue to rule the roost. The secret of their energy is definitely not 'Boost'. But they do boost the TRPs and the sales... and there is no twist in the various tails. Oops tales! Moov over... forever. For all the 'Ooh, Aah, Ouch' days... iodex maliye kaam pe chaliye! Tiger Balm chahiye? 'Royal Bengal Tiger' ke paas try kijiye! The upset in Bong... ?? Amrutanjan strong! The Bhopal gas tragedy... needs a radical change of strategy. No warrent... for Anderson Warren. What shame? Just need a change of name. From Bhopal... to Gopal or even Pay Pal! Na rahega baas... na bajegi baansuri! Just go on a name changing spree! Justice? Well... it is Just-Tease! Digvijay's singing has taken its toll. In the form of a same side goal! Chakravyuh? For Arjun... not Abhimanyu. Kati patang... while Raajneeti is a hit. Don't throw a fit! Shikhandi is missing in action... and after Mahabharat comes the Ramayan. With small B as Raavan. Minus Shravan. Now serve this with a dash of 'pawarful' optimism. Dum Maro Dum. Ho-Hum!

Flashback/One year ago:

From being (sarcastically) referred to as the 'Ulta Pulta Alliance'… to 'thats the way UPA'… 'Mamma Mia' has once again 'shown' her proven 'poll dancing' skills as well as her 'Haath ki saafai'. This is a game of 'poll-i-tricks'... my friends! Now, all the psephologists and political pundits have suddenly become 'health freaks'. They are now engaged in denial 'exercise' - doing 'somersaults', furiously taking 'U-turns', apart from doing a very special 'asana'... day in and day out... 'putting their foot in their mouth'. They have also been 'advised' to take a big pinch of salt... to cover any more fault, even by default...

NDTV, Times NOW and CNN IBN... all thought it would be the Behen... Haan Ji... but 'Lady luck' said "Naa Ji". Haathi roya... Barkha boli: "Ki hoya?" Haathi bola: "Rulake gaya sapna mera"...

They said, the opposite of 'Progress' is... 'Congress'. No great shakes... said Manmohan. Only high stakes.

Aroon Purie is busy promoting a bird called 'Koel Purie'. Times NOW is trying hard... to be the Numero Uno Bard. Arnab said: "Mera number kab aayega...???" Rajdeep bola: "Tab aayega... jab hum jayega!" Arnab bola: "Jab We Met???" Then Prannoy replied: "This is not cricket... !!!"

Many, including prime mini-stars as well as cheap... oops chief ministers met their 'sole-mates'. While some received their 15 minutes of fame... others were 'caste' away! The 'tide' was strong... so, nobody to blame. Some had no faith in their 'birth stars' and brought in 'film stars' instead... to try their luck at the hustings. These days the 'film stars' are short on both luck and magic... and all went for a six! Or 'out for a duck'... (?) Well, take your pick... !

Shekhar ne TV pe bahut poll khola... but fell to the 'Shotgun'. Ooh La La! Or maybe the people voted for a Suman instead of a Shekhar. Ummm, bad PJ. Sidhuism topped while Khanna flopped. 'Boss' missed the bullseye by miles... and a Reddy was all smiles. Jaswant missed the 'sonshine'... as there was a cloudy sky.

Lok Janshakti... missed out on 'Taan ki Shakti, mann ki Shakti' and fell flat. The DMK had a 'cake walk' and will have it and eat it too... the 'cake' that is... since both the 'son' and the 'sun' have risen! A Deve and a Swamy are not sounding funny... they are trying to be a part of 'Delhi Belly'.

Elsewhere, a certain PC played a PJ on a 'revered' Amma... who refused to say 'Mamma Mia'. And a few numbers got 'crunched'. 'Yeh andar ki baat hai'... !!!

Mallika Sarabhai discovered... this was the 'Dance of Democracy' and she was on the wrong stage... and the 'wrong' Mallika as well... so had to fail. While Varun's 'Pill became a hit'...

After the 'sonrise'... Maneka yelled 'Eureka'... in her 2nd attempt... but nevertheless, a pretty picture she did present.

Sab ne kaha: "Chal, chal, chal, mere haathi, O mere sathi, Chal le chal khataaraa khiinch ke."

Haathi bola: "Chal yaar, dhakkaa maar, baand hai motar kaar"...

The 'Haathi' decided... enough is enough! It has too long a name... which changes the game... and settled for the 'Haath'... all the same. No time for cherry picking! Haathis don't eat cherries, silly!! So, the 'Mayajal' failed to catch the big fish... and settled for the small fry instead. It received a 'whitewash' from the 'Haath ki saafai'... and became a 'white elephant' in no time... !! This is one clever 'Haathi'... I tell you! It felt, 'Haathi Mere Saathi' was out of tune and decided to go with the times... and realized that the 'Haath ke Saath'... was the best path.

In the fight between 'Cholbe Na' and 'Cholbe Nano'... the former won... and 'Didi' bid 'Tata' to 'Buddha'.

'Lal'-uji is going 'red' in the face while the 'Red' fort crumbled... and Prakash's Karat(e) chops failed to impress! The 'Lal train' has derailed. 'Lal'-uji zara dheere chalo...

Amar is trying to make things 'Mulayam'... but 'King Cong' is playing rough and tough...

There was a 'pawar failure' too... which prompted an emergency landing... which is immensely better than crash landing... !! There... no 'pawar play'! Hmmm... too much 'Left' do not make a 'Right'... !!

A certain Sena 'retired hurt'... while a 'Reddy' is ever ready... for another 5 years... you see!

The 'Rampur Ki Kali' khil gayi and an 'Azam' had a bout of 'bad hazam'. The 'young at heart', Navin had a handsome win... while 'Nitish' made delicious mince meat.

The 'Babalog' may want to make their presence felt... but the 'Dadalog' are not done yet...

Meanwhile... Mr. Advani has finally understood the meaning of the 'van' in his name and preparing for his (political) 'vanaprastha'. Things are yet to be 'Modi'fied... in the lotus lane... which now does not have A'tall' leader to restore their (lost) glory and fame.

Government by remote control... ??? Its simple... one only needs a dimple!

The sensex has 'poll vaulted' to a record high... with the India Inc too giving a thumbs up. Time for all to 'sup' (together) and sort out the 'berth' pangs. Then on a 'good day' all will gather to sing(h) "Happy Berthday"... !!!

The 3rd and 4th Fronts... hardly pulled any stunts. They and the NDA proved to be a 'NPA'... 'Non Performing Asset'. Thats the way... Mahiway. Oh, sorry, ... UPA(WAY)... !

Then, Lady Luck smiled and said "Jai Ho"... "Aagle paanch saal tum hi raho"...

Time for another 'High Five'... ! We know our Man(mohan) of the moment. FINALLY... "Singh is King! Singh is King! Singh is King"... !!!

(More later...)

Note: The views expressed here are entirely in good humour and without malice.


Hilarious takes on the Political scenario and Poll 2009 - in India.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Demo-crazy... !!!

Author's note: Do read "An Ode to... One year of UPA-II...!!!"

After ignoring 'yeh andar ki baat hai' for long... our Bollywood heros have taken to 'vested' interests... like an item song. Mahesh reminded me about the 3G auction... some missing facts, that is. At ease. Raja caused a loss of 1.9 lakh crores. Can anyone tell me... how many zeros?? It was all for the nation... which is our poly-tricians' playstation. India is a poor country... with some very rich people. Sometimes... we simply go and 'bray' at the temple! Simple! And no dimple! Corruption did you say? Mind you... you'll be cast(e) away. Arundhati Roy... is fast turning out to be such a killjoy. Wonder why she never says anything about Texas. What is the nexus?

It is the season of the mangoes. The quintessential 'mango-man'. No fan... we are likely to get a natural tan. Therefore, the 'aam' and the 'jaanta' are quite inseparable! At every injustice... out of fear... we tremble. As they say in namma Bengaluru... 'Namge yaake beku Ramayana'... ?? O saathi re... tere bina bhi kya jeena! Women should only wear sari. Swalpa adjust maadi!

Jaani, jinke ghar sheeshe ke hon, woh dusron par paththar nahi phenka karte. Hanste hanste kat jaye raste...

Tunak tun tana... Paanch rupaiya bara ana. Money hai... to honey hai! Sara saher mujhe loin ke naam se jaanta hai. Mere paas Maa hai. Toh kya hua? Mogambo khush hua...

The 'custodians' of Indian society... get very uppity. And 'sons-of-the-soil' legions... vow to 'uphold our ancient culture and traditions'. No rations. Together they make sure... this will endure. And that nobody will dare to cross the 'red lines'... and break the 'set boundaries'. Especially... anything in skirts, salwars and sarees. Still, if they 'dare'... they will be confronted with 'our ancient culture and traditions'... in the most barbaric and brutal manner. All is fair... in love and war. What love? This is 'war'. Hypocrisy galore? For sure!

Meanwhile... there is a collective amnesia about 'Swayamvar'. Hear! Hear!

No land ceiling. While... we call a cold-blooded, premeditated murder as 'honour killing'. Very, very telling...

Women... thirty and above... should forget about love. That path is not for them to tread... just make the daily bread. With younger men... they are 'cougars'. With older men... 'gold diggers'. Sniggers! As for the old men? All good Karma and Zen. Each one is just a harmless 'sugar daddy'. Gifting only soft toys and teddy. They need not be shy... for having a roving eye. Or for their hair dye! 'Budhi ghodi lal lagaam'... will sneer the 'jaanta aam'. Capsicum! While... 'Men will be Men'. Always ten on ten!

We are comfortable once 'lovers' ('dirty' word) who cross the 'red lines'... have safely met their maker. Boris 'Boom Boom' Becker. Then temples and shrines are built in their name. All very game. Shame? What shame...?? Paeans are written, songs are sung... and they are 'immortalized'. How very wise! Ranjha minus Heer. We just love kheer! We can't advertise for any liquor... even Beer. Oh dear! Rules are rules... and can't be broken. Then... just bend it like Beckham. It's only token. Well spoken!

'Nobel prizes' are few and far between... while 'No-bail prizes' are aplenty! Tainty-Tainty... not Twenty-Twenty! They leave no traces... in this country of pending court room cases. Out-of-court 'settlements'... is the mantra for our 'honourable' gents! Steal others' work for profit... and then sue them for... Copyright infringement! No saint... just whitewash and paint. Mosquitoes and lawyers? Peter England and John Players! No fancy flight... get ready for the chase. As the mosquito says: "I was already a bloodsucking parasite. All I needed was the briefcase." Lee-Hesh. All the noise and din? Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn!

We have the potential to be an IT-BT powerhouse. No cheese and no mouse. 'Yeh IT-YT kya hai'... says our netas. By jupiter! Did you say... its all very hazy... ?? No, no... just demo-crazy!

Mere desh ki dharti sona ugle... ugle heere moti. So, heavy demand for license number 'Four Twenty'! Then for... 'roti-kaapda-makaan' and 'bijli-sadak-paani'... where is the money... ??? Only Mona-Tony! Baap numbari, Beta Dus nambari. It's a privilege. No thank you... no sorry. Hawk, hawk! No action... all talk!

Kitne aadmi thay... phir bhi gayi bhains paani main. Lekin... Don ko pakadna mushkil hi nahi, namumkin hai. Senorita, bade bade deshon mein... aisi choti choti baatein... hoti rehti hai. After all... Dil Chhata hai! The heart is an umbrella... and we all love Cinderella!

Babumoshai... Chalti Ka Naam Gadi. Hurry! Hurry! Hum jaha pe khade ho jaate hein, line wahi se shuru hoti hai. Sigh! Ok Tata... Bye, Bye! Horn OK Please. Attention... Stand at ease! More cheese? Yes please!

No tension. Remember... "First impress-aan izz laast impress-aan". No Jashn, only Tashan. Tera kya hoga Kaalia? Aila! Juhi Chawla! No fire... only smoke. What a joke! No hosh... no josh. Khaaaamoshhh... !!!

Volcanic eruptions from 'Eyjafjallajökull' brought the world to a standstill. Jack and Jill... went up the hill. What a tongue-twister! Barnacles blister. Nope! Blistering Barnacles! Chuckles! Chuckles! Smoke and ash... all the way from Iceland... is not bland. In this 'Kali Yug' plus 'Jet Age'... the world is truly a global village. You bet! Well said!

The prices of rice and tur. Chashme Buddoor. Inflation? Jaane bhi do yaaron. Dekho mein le aaya... Paro. Wham baam! Traffic jam... but no shortage of egg-jam. Cell phone? Bring them on! No Bips... only John. Dostana? Professor J Dot Asthana. Munna Bhai... is not shy.

Gustakhi maaf... but Andaaz apna apna. In broad daylight... no 'seeing' sapna. The 'Sarkar' is in no danger. More than fiction... truth is stranger. Having breakfast for dinner... Baazigar is the clear winner. Chaku-Churi and Hera Pheri. Tumhara naam kya hai, Basanti?!! Emosional atyachaar? Vanakkam Saar! 'Chuck' de Railways to 'Chuck' de India... oops Bengal. You fool... it's Trinamool, Trinamool! In town... 'Didi' is the new toast. Picture abhi baaki hai mere dost! With a twist in the tale... Aal izz well... !!! Only oil's not well... and so is diesel!

(More later...)


Vanakkam = Namaste. Saar = Ji.

'Namge yaake beku Ramayana'... ?? = Why should we invite trouble?

The line... 'country of pending court room cases'... courtesy: Yayaver.

Note: The views expressed here are entirely in good humour and without malice.


Hilarious takes on the Political scenario - in India.