Thursday, December 30, 2010

Make way for... Bugs Bunny!



Now that the Onion has spoken and left us in tears... we were/are reduced to imploring 'Kaho na Pyaaz hai...' while the RADIA-tion hit govt. is yet to sing 'Kaha na Pyaaz hai...' While the flamboyant and voluble Minister for Commerce and Industry, Happy Sharma, has declared: "Not a single onion will be allowed to leave the country!" Never knew that onions were big on earning 'frequent flyer' points... or were 'Modi'fied for that matter! 'Onion allowance' may soon become a corporate reality... errr perk. Totally tax-free! And 'onionism' the new and much sought after mantra/faith. Actually yet another 'ism' to add to our burgeoning woes! Much to the chagrin of the venerable Lord Mahavir and the 23 Tirthankaras, though. Ummm... given that several malls are giving away free onions to attract customers... we now know where some of the 'absconding' onions have been 'hiding'. What??

Meanwhile... three-year-old Rosie Birula saved the life of the elderly Mr. Onions... just like Fireman Sam. How we wish she could do an encore for the veggie version as well. Wishful thinking. If wishes were horses... onion fans would ride.

Taking a cue from the layered veggy... the juicy tomatoes and the pungent garlic has now started 'bhav khana'. We got to make do with tomato sauce and tomato ketchup... hot and sweet or not. Necessity is the grandmother of sauce and ketchup! Even soup. Except when we land in one. Meanwhile... the mouth fresheners remain untouched. Mostly. It won't be long before the tur dal plays truant. Or maybe pole-vaults into the stratosphere and smashes the legendary Sergey Bubka's records. Thus ensuring... we won't be able to hire his services. Now we know why pole-vault came into existence in the first place.

Actually... in India, tur/toor dal is also known as 'split pigeon peas'. Why blame the poor, innocent pigeons for the pulse's 'high-flying' act is beyond me though.

Next... it will be the turn of good ol' sugar to 'prove its worth'. Husbands will continue to be addressed as 'Honey'. Wonder what they would call their spouses though. The very word - sugar - will make everybody suffer from the blues, break into a cold sweat and/or undergo hypertension. Diabetics excluded. Perhaps the Hon. Sugar Minister is one. Maybe the bees will have to work overtime... without extra wages. Courtesy recession. The Hon. Health Minister will be displaying a perma-smile sponsored by Colgate. With Pepsodent providing the dentures. Equal opportunity... you see!

If it involved the birds and the bees doing overtime together... the Hon. Health Minister... who is also in-charge of the birds and the bees and the fruits of their labour... would have displayed a beard and blamed it on the stork and sundry conspiracy theories. As a result... PC would have rebooted and security would have been tightened... with a few more lathi-wielding policemen. As per the 'doctrine of the ineffable carrot and the infinite stick'! The 'stick' being reserved for anyone violating the hallowed 'athithi devo bhava' policy... being followed in the last 800 years! Or maybe throughout the last millennium!

Meanwhile... apna Santa Claus aka Christmas Thatha is using only Amrutanjan Strong and Tiger balm these days. Ever since his ears were clogged by copious amounts of Zandu balm. The only problem is that... the tigers too require a lot of balms these days. The two-legged variety included. Elsewhere... Kalmadi who was already a stalwart has now achieved legendary status. To commemorate his elevation in stature... the cryptic term 'swalpa adjust (kal)madi' has been coined. While Sheila has taken the vow of silence after paeans have been sung in praise of her jawani.

According to the media... kids around the world are mighty upset with one Julian Assange... whose most sensational leak has gotten every kid's goat. It said:

Dear Kids,
There is no Santa. Those presents are from your parents.

Merry X-mas,
Julian Assange, WikiLeaks.


... And if 'leak' comes can 'leek' be far behind!

We should now brace for 'flying' chickens and 'sneezing' swine... oops pigs. Jam Rethmalani may decide to defend them as well. So gotta be careful *wink* While Aamela Panderson may agree to spend a few hours - in the buff - in a cage. That'll play havoc with gravity... so much so that Sir Isaac Newton would come back to earth and read us the riot act. Except to Aamela Panderson of course. She has already conquered gravity!

Before I end my final post for the year 2010... here are some 'mind chows':

1. Audience: If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
2. An open mind: An open mind does not always require an open mouth.
3. Marriage: Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
4. Are u hi? Many things can be preserved in alcohol. Dignity is not one of them.
5. Costly Things: Despite the high cost of living it remains a popular item.
6. Wat is illegal? Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.

... And some laughs:

1. Admit and act: Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
2. In the exam hall: Look above for inspiration, below for concentration, if none work, then look aside for information.
3. A cute letter by a little kid: Dear math, please grow up soon try to solve your own problems don't depend on others...
4. Really do they? If a deaf person goes to court, do they call it a hearing?
5. Funny Yeh! A mushroom visits a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says, "We don't serve mushrooms here."
The mushroom says, "Why?! I'm a fun guy!"

6. A guy buys a parrot. Every morning he stands in front of the cage and asks in a pleasant voice, "Can you talk little birdie?"
This goes on for the whole week with absolutely no response from the bird. Finally, one morning, totally fed up, he shouts, "Can you talk, you stupid moronic bird, can you talk?"
The bird looks straight in his eyes and says, "All right, I can talk; can you fly?"

Wish you all a fabulous New Year. Totally sugar free! Move over Sher Khan. Its time for Bugs Bunny!


Photograph:

Zoo owner Manny Tangco (C) holds up a rabbit and a tiger cub while surrounded by local children at the Malabon Zoo in Malabon, in northern Metro Manila (in the Philippines) on December 28, 2010 to illustrate the shift from the 'Year of the Tiger' to the 'Year of the Rabbit'. China and many other parts of Asia will celebrate the start of the 'Year of the Rabbit' at Lunar New Year in early February 2011, in accordance with the Chinese calendar that works on a 12-year cycle... where each year is named after one of the 12 key animals in turn. The rabbit represents the fourth year in the 12-year cycle of the Chinese zodiac. The year of the rabbit is traditionally associated with home, family, artistic pursuits, diplomacy and peace. According to the Chinese almanac, '2011 was likely to be a relatively calmer one than 2010 both on the world scene, as well as on the personal level'. Conversely, nations would also become more insular and increasingly lock down their borders to protect against the 'others'. (Pic courtesy: Link)

18 comments:

  1. With your ability to churn out such hilarious pieces, you should consider renaming your blog to 'Musings of a well-known Indian' :D

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  2. good and laughing post...loved it

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  3. ha ha ah.... u r hitting them (the sarkari babus) at their right spot...:D

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  4. Lol! :D
    That Wikileaks jokes had me in splits! :)
    That really was hilarious! And lol @ "Bhaav khana"! :D

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  5. You 'mind chows' are mind boggling and a treat for New Year laugh.

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  6. Great piece of satiric writing. Loved it every bit.

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  7. @ Sumit: Muchas gracias! *I am taking a bow*

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  8. @ Siddhesh 'Ravan' Kabe: :D :D :D

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  9. @ Preeti: Hahaha! Glad you enjoyed it :D

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  10. @ S.R.Ayyangar: Thank you Sir... and welcome to my blog :)

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  11. @ Blogxter : Thanks much... and welcome to my blog. Glad you liked it :)

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  12. It's been few months but i managed to come back and read your post. Good job & keep blogging & keep please keep me posted about your latest thoughts.

    Thanks

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  13. I wrote a big comment through my mobile version of internet only to find out that my mobile version was giving error while commenting in your blog....
    hmmm....will try to rectify and

    anyway, this year too i continue my hate and jealousy with envy towards your posts, ...

    i will be waiting all the year for the day when you may write some ordinary post so that i can have my final laugh...

    need to say more ???


    simply keep your Roshmilavours sprouting through out the year

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  14. @ Push Vs Pull: Thanks! But would be great if you could leave your name...

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  15. @ Mahesh Kalaal: Muchas gracias! *I'm taking a bow* :D

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  16. I would have loved to have a chance to hold both the tiger cub and the rabbit! Nice way to show the change of the animal years!

    You have got a very good sense of humour, Roshmi! Loved reading this post!

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