Sunday, February 20, 2011

Chavanni, Atthanni aur Rupaiya... Raja, Kalmadi aur Radia! (Part-II)

Author's note: Read Part 1 of this post here.

We gave the thumbs down to the original 'Dashavatar' or maybe thumbed our collective noses at it... which increased the sale of Thums-Up... much to the chagrin of the folks who Peps(i) you up!

For... Marshad Heista appeared... along with Aaloo Yadav. Corporate heist became the buzzword... along with chara ghotala... leaving the already bechara cows, bulls and buffaloes feeling very, very be-chara.

Bofors had already made its mark by then... of course. So much so that folks who were not even acquainted with the English language... knew about 'Q'. Phew!

Thereafter... suitcases made its appearance... and became much sought after. Along with suits, cases and no-bail prizes of course. Since there wasn't any no-bell prize to bell the grinning Cheshire cats... going around once every five years with folded hands.

Next... it was the turn of the humble ladoos and sarees... along with the 'humble farmer' and sons, grandsons and sons-in-law. Nobody was feeling very, very 'saree'... except for the mango-man and woman. Aka aam-aadmi aur aam-aurat. They are 'aam'... yet do not have a mango to eat. Not even the mango seed... despite Aaloo Yadav telling us that he has grown a 'fruuut tareee'... that will bear fruuuts... while he has earned karores and karores. But 9 fruuuts of his labour... are to be found at his home... for sure.

You see... the aam-aadmi and aam-aurat were/are/will be mere nameless and faceless 'janta'... who were/are/will be somewhat visible once in five years. Rest of the time... wallow in tears. For their humble servants in starched kurtas... Cheers! Mr. India... Quit India.

Then came a succession of flash in the pan 'avatars'... all wanting to savour their 15 minutes under the air-conditioned sun.

To get any work done... 'chai-paani' was/is/will be the preferred route and the only route. If you want 'tatkal' service that is... wherein files sprout wings. Else they remain grounded forever. This applies to... both top-down and bottom-up. Equal opportunity you see. No 'labour pain' that way! Makes for a win-win, grin-grin situation. Kinda 'food-chain'. The 'food' = 'chai-paani' of course. This... despite Tata chai exhorting us to 'Jaago Re'! Methinks... 'paani' will be much more valuable than liquid gold in the near future. Therefore... a 'sheikh-up' is very likely to happen.

Somewhere down the line we did away with the 'Vedanta' and the 'Upanishad'... and plumped for the 'UPA-nishad' instead... in the hanging gardens of Peepul Sabha.

It was then that... CWG happened... and Kalmadi appeared... with his 'Midas touch'... applicable only to family, friends... and bosses of course. But he insists it was teamwork... while the team wants to remain invisible.

Then... 'UPA-nishad' was subjected to some 'RADIA-tion'. Followed by 2G and 3G. Not Parle-G mind you.

The government headed by the blue turbaned yogi... who firmly believes in the benefits of 'maun vrat' ('coz 'silence is golden' you see) - insisted that he was unaware of anything regarding the 2G scam. 'Coz the only 2G he knew of were... Sonia G and Rahul G. Which prove that he does not eat Parle-G. 'Coz that would make it 3G! He is now trying to learn more about the philosophies of Indira G and Rajiv G... in order to upgrade to 4G.

After CWG (or was it before?) came the 2G auction... and Raja caused a loss of 1.9 lakh crores. Can anyone tell me... how many zeros??

Errr... modified figures suggest it was not 1.9 lakh crores. But 1.76 lakh crores! Only. While Raja insists that he is innocent... and is being harassed and hounded only because he is a dalit. Even corruption has fallen under the spell of 'reservation', 'quota system' and been cast(e) away... I say. This is a sure sign of progress... nevertheless.

With corruption scandals running into lakh crores (1 followed by 12 zeroes), we need new numeric units to comprehend these humongous figures. Crore/Million is passé.

Btw... Rupee has now acquired a new status symbol... that is a sure shot/foolproof method of bringing down the prices and inflation. With the new symbol... Rupee has now shed its frumpy avatar (Re, Rs and the clunky "INR") and gone the designer haute couture way... to distinguish itself from the 'halal' version from archrival Pakistan. No identity crisis any more *wink*

The Indian rupee now has a unique symbol - a blend of the Devanagri 'Ra' and Roman 'R' - finally joining elite currencies like the US dollar, euro, British pound and Japanese yen in having a distinct identity. We have now entered into the realm of the developed world... without a shred of doubt. Yippee!

As for the symbol... it's simply 'Ra' and not 'Ra.One'. Sorry SRK. 'Ra.One' reminds one of 'Raavan'... but knowing the latter's fate at the BO... hopefully the former will meet with better luck. Maybe 'Da.bang' would have been more suitable. What? However, the presence of the Roman 'R' is fully understood... since we are very closely linked with that nation *wink*

The new currency symbol has put the rupee in the money. Not the money in the rupee. Therefore dollar millionaires are still preferred over rupee crorepatis! Status symbol you see.

A few ideas for new words to refer to large numbers... courtesy Mukul Jain @ 'Outlook' magazine... 'Coz any major events/occasions/personalities/contributions... deserve to be commemorated.

So, 1,00,000 crore = 1 raja;
10,000 crore = 1 radia;
1,000 crore = 1 kalmadi.

Therefore... Anilbhai's home in Pali Hill will now cost Rs 4.5 kalmadi;

While big brother Mukeshbhai's new abode - the multi-storeyed glass tower - named Antilla (after the mythical Atlantic island)... and inspired by the Hanging Gardens of Babylon is valued at Rs. 4.5 kalmadi. Some pundits peg it at... 8 kalmadi and even 9 kalmadi.

ONGC's annual output is Rs. 1.2 raja;

India's loss in the 2G scam is about Rs. 1.7 raja;

India's total annual subsidy on kerosene is Rs. 2 radia.

Parting shot: Mukeshbhai and family... are obviously no fan of Raaj Kumar and have never heard his most famous dialogue: "Jaani, jinke ghar shishe ke ho, woh dusron pe patthar nahin pheka karte." What?

Get used to the cryptic 'swalpa adjust kalmadi'. 'Coz Rupee has been conquered by Raja and hit by RADIA-tion *wink*


Photograph: Sabse bada rupaiyaa! Courtesy link.


  1. I guess, Indian politicians should learn something from this work of sarcasm.

  2. @ Rachit: :D :D :D

    P.S. Thanks for stopping by my blog...

  3. Hahaa! "UPA-nishad" :D :D
    What a shame, we voted for these leaders!
    Did the ISRO scam not come up when you wrote this piece? That's even more astonishing! Noone knows who said yes! :D

  4. No indian politicians will never learn even after such posts

  5. @ Preeti: :D

    The ISRO scam deserves an entire post dedicated to it. Will do it soon :)

  6. @ BK Chowla: Chowlaji... why will they 'learn' when they can 'earn'... ??

  7. :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) ........

  8. @ Mahesh: :D :D :D

    P.S. Good to see you here...

  9. I must say a very apt way of putting the meaning across .
    When we say certain hundred crores, to most it is only a number , the magnitude of scams can be realized if we know that some politicians are coolly walking with couple of Bhakra Nangal dams, a nuclear power station and INSAT satellites in their pockets.
    Thank God that they are at least caught and exposed . They should be punished in most barbaric way, so that there is deterrent for others and politics does not continue to be a profession .

  10. @ Sunilji: "When we say certain hundred crores, to most it is only a number , the magnitude of scams can be realized if we know that some politicians are coolly walking with couple of Bhakra Nangal dams, a nuclear power station and INSAT satellites in their pockets.

    ... Succinct!