Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Pot Luck: Multicuisine/ Notes on Faith, Religion, Customs, Rituals, Mythology, etc.. (Part - II)

So Pronob-babu has finally succeeded in becoming the hilltop man, and once he takes up residence in that swankiest house in Dilli, we can say there's something fishy going on there - without any sinister insinuation. However, to commemorate his elevation to Rashtropoti status, he should start writing his surname in its original version - the gaalbhora Mukhopadhyay, instead of the clipped Mukherjee. And we can watch the magic unfold. [Roshogolla sales will shoot through the roof, clear the stratosphere and take up residence in Mars or Venus. And if THAT doesn't put the 'animal spirit' back into our economy, what will??]

But now that the Ostrich too has been classified as an animal ... I must confess I'm a tad ... umm, apprehensive.

So, let me get back to what I set out to write. Here's the 1st part - for a second reading or repeated reading. [Remember: old is gold?!]

The Hope fairy from that die-hard Pandora's box tells me that you have somehow managed to ponder over why Shri Ram (or Shri Rama for that matter) has taken up residence within 'green' festivals :)

See! Haleem is very good for that long dormant dimaag ki batti. [Disclaimer: Chlormint is not paying me a penny for this one.]

Meanwhile, the very auspicious month of Shravan (Shravan Maas - the Hindu lunar month dedicated to Bhagwan Shiv) - has also commenced (19th July - 17th August, 2012).

Shravan brings with it 'Janmashtami' (Shri Krishn's janamdin or birthday), 'Rakshabandhan' (a day when sisters tie the sacred 'Rakhi thread' on their brothers' right wrists and pray for their long life) and 'Sitla Satam' (when there is no cooking or heating - only food cooked the day before can be eaten cold and baths have to be cold too.)

This year, 'Jhulon Utsav' (also: 'Jhulan Yatra,' 'Jhulan Purnima,' 'Hindola,' or the Swing festival) - that celebrates the love of Radha-ji and Shri Krishn - too falls in the month of Shravan. Though various 'Khaps' and self-proclaimed 'moral police' are completely unaware of it, the love bit that is. [You see love is against 'our ancient culture and traditions.' Still, I'm sure that most of us would admire the serene full moon night (purnima) of July 29 and celebrate till August 02.]

But then, the auspicious and holy month of Shravan has also arrived with the hardest thing of all - fasting.

This fasting bit I shall tackle later, so lets begin with the cold bath.

A cold bath (after exercise) can soothe sore muscles. But a cold-water bath has been used for centuries as a great way to treat various ailments, so much so that even when the Ancient Greeks developed heating systems for their public baths, they continued bathing in cold water for the health benefits.

But folks that have a high blood pressure, are overheated or feverish, or suffer from a heart disease should refrain from taking a cold bath. The heart may jump out of the chest, or one may pass out from hyperventilating - when the cold water hits the body. Moral of the story: Its better to be safe than sorry!

It - a cold bath, that is - improves circulation, relieves depression, keeps skin and hair healthy, strengthens immunity, increases energy and well-being, increases testosterone and increases fertility too. Though I don't think that the latest specimen of the mustachioed (phantom version included) macho man needs any help in creating some progeny. Their daughters, mothers, wives, sisters, daughters-in-law, granddaughters, toddlers, babies, et al., bear testimony to their machismo, testosterone included. [What is testosterone, you ask? Umm, it's something like: F1 ... that Dushashana tried his hardest to qualify for but failed miserably. And it is also something that prompted the Queen of 'Hastinapur' - the fiery Draupadi - to untie her 'shikha,' i.e., remain with disheveled hair, until ... ]

Lets turn our attention to 'Rakshabandhan' now. Frankly, 'Rakshabandhan' urges the brothers to also reciprocate, i.e., to tie a sacred thread on their sisters' wrists and pray for their long life, since 'Rakshabandhan' symbolizes the affectionate brother-sister bond (bandhan) and is a vow that they both undertake together: to stand by each other - always. However, modern, new-age brothers - mustachioed (phantom or otherwise) and appropriately macho men - have transcended Vedic wisdom. [Result: 'Rakshaks' have turned 'Bhakshaks' and shamelessly fearlessly slyly innocently masquerades under the 'ask for it' think-local-act-global brand.]

Great men have turned water into wine. Big deal! Even 'greater men' have been turning wine and much else into uric acid and regularly watering the plants since time immemorial.

And it is these 'greater men' that have unequivocally informed us that the knowledge and wisdom of the Vedas (so what if they are steeped in antiquity and are as old as Time itself) - are old-fashioned, archaic, moth-eaten, chauvinistic, unscientific, out-of-style and communal. Just like Sanskrit.

Here are some examples:

During the month of Shravan, one is advised to read the Ramayan, the Mahabharat or the Shrimad Bhagvad Gita. [How sad! How can anyone be asked to read 'mythologies' and 'epics' of all things??]

Our elders have also urged us to read the Panchatantra, the Hitopadesh, the Upanishads, the Jataka Tales, the Jain Tales, the Arthashastra, the Niti-Shastra, etc. [But how can anything other than: Playboy, Femina, Stardust, Conscience Bhagat's novels, Rs. 95 or Rs. 100 - navels novels or sundry Penthouse stories, be read?? Or the front and back covers of a packet of condom at least?! After all, HOT is in and cold bath is out, passé.]

Note: For all those that are ignorant, let your GK travel north: Condom is the name of an exotic bird that is not part of 'our ancient culture and traditions.' However, since due to some miracle it has also been discovered in some or the other 'closely-guarded' ancient scripture, therefore, the female of the species have been tasked with the onerous pleasant job of acquiring it; it's a walk in the park, really. Only to ensure that the 'Pati-Parameshwar' types, the 'boyfriend speci-men' and the 'other holy spe-semen' types need not lose face accumulate 'bad karma.'

As for those advice-dispensing Vedic people, they were definitely sickular; and wait a minute, they did not even have hair growing on their ears, you say?! *Horror of Horrors* [This is THE sign of being communal. *Shivers*]

Also, weren't these the same folks that created the Khajuraho, the Ajanta and the Elora Cave temples? [Tsk! Tsk! They had no better work than to create such audacious things out of mere rocks and stones?! Cheeee! No hero-giri in them, steroid-fed pumped-up torsos, spindly legs and all.]

And they did not even know how to create beautiful monuments like: concrete jungles, that collapsed under the weight of a petal or a feather?!! [Surely these Vedic people were spineless, moustache-less, spindly legs-less, middle-finger-less poor sods ABCDEFGH @#^&%#$@!]

And they portrayed (sculpted) figures of men and women indulging in err ... 'amorous activities' on temple walls??? [Hmm. Vedic maha-fools that never knew the charms of Pamela Anderson, Sunny Leone ... and porn! Too bad.]

To be modern, fashionable, appropriately perfumed, macholy moustachioed and suit-ably 'vested' one must know how to eloquently 'compare' those disgusting Khajuraho, Ajanta and Elora temple sculptures to something that is divinely crude, crassly divinely commercialized and divinely revolting to the senses. [Only then can one earn the much-coveted 'badge of honour' - that of being a real feminist, with impeccable secular and philanthropic credentials ... big red bindis will come gratis. Bhatt naturally! Nothing to Sue-hail Seth about it.]

However, all of the above, along with a long holy beard, holier mumbo jumbo, a dollop of saffron, a teaspoon of holy water, a dash of magic, and some sleight of gymnastics - is enough to elevate 'crooked trees' to a position or status even higher than that of the Almighty - the Paramatma.

And bolo who doesn't know that it is best (and pays) to sit or lie immobilized with folded palms - in front of all the mushrooming super Paramatmas? One gets to see and feel THE God Particle himself, no? Total union with God guaranteed - albeit for a small price. [But do also remember that THESE God Particles are 1001% sure, pure and (un)adult-rated, than THAT God Particle - Higgs-Boson or something. So? A small price is nothing, haath ki maeil hai. Only.]

Sadly, those dull, dim-witted Vedic people have had the audacity to urge their enlightened modern counterparts to pray to 'Bhagawan Shiv' and 'Maa Parvati' or 'Maa Durga' - embodiments of the masculine and the feminine cosmic energies - during the month of Shravan. [This, when the 'Dark Knight' has risen!]

Not only that, the modern enlightened humans have been asked to worship the cosmic energies with offerings of flowers, ghee, incense, special leaves (mango, bel, tulsi), milk and honey. [This (!!!) in the age of dalda, vanaspati ghee, esspesaal pujas and even more esspesaal darshans; when the money plant holds sway, and wood is urgently needed for furniture purposes!]

And they (the modern enlightened humans) are also supposed to gently pour milk (not rum, not sherry, not vodka, not gin and tonic, not beer, not even desi daaru ... but milk!) - over what the modern macho man most definitely regards as the 'Shiv Ling' !!

Umm, it seems that those ancient un-macho desi-daaru-less Vedic people regarded it (the supposed 'Shiv Ling' that is) as the union of the male and the female, the union of the masculine and the feminine: cosmic energies certainly, but also symbolizing the celebration of love, of life, of birth, of creation and of civilization. This was 'Vedic wisdom' - an aspect of 'Sanaatan Dharm,' and an aspect of 'Arya Dharm' as well. [But then those backward Sanaatan Dharm-wallahs did not have television, as we moderns know it: proliferating channels, Arnab-da et al. See!! BTW, 'Sanaatan' means 'ancient' as in: timeless. Which clearly means: those advice-laden, poverty-stricken Vedic people did not even own a Breguet timepiece or at least a Swatch or a Tissot!!]

And what exactly is this 'Arya'? You aren't referring to the 'Aryans' by any chance, are you? All those destructive, fair-skinned, phoren, alien, outsiders that invaded us - as per our benign, friendly, scholarly, twist-dancing, fairly-skinned, colonizing brothers and their sisters. [Now, how can anyone KOSCHEN that? This is not Kaun Banega Sitapati Crorepati, I say !!]

Plus, don't we all know (courtesy those same alien Vedic people) - that only Rakta-beej proliferates?? [While the big screen, small screen, item numbers, hip swingers, zandu balm appliers, progressive advertisements, regressive comedy shows, Rakhi Sawant, et al are instruments (via media) - of high-voltage enlightenment, that aid in precious 'evolution'. So much so that the dimaag ki batti metamorphoses into BRANDED sodium vapour lamp.]

Time for some asinine sublime Flash Mob please...

(More later…)

Photograph: Found it while trawling the net. Don't remember the link :(

No comments:

Post a Comment