I am back with a few more grunt(side) stories... read on...
Read my blog: "Swine Fluuuuu" and the grunt(side) stories!!! for more of them!
1. The Great Chief Vitalstatix (in the Asterix series) a.k.a. "Piggy Wiggy" is facing a serious identity crisis these days. The pigs of the world have united and are suing him for violation of copyright. According to the 'gruntvine', Vitalstatix (Piggy Wiggy) has been offered a few choices on 'humanitarian' grounds... he can grunt for a 1000 times a day to show/underwrite his affinity with his namesakes, become a 'size zero' or start walking around on his own feet... carrying his own 'considerable' weight.
Now, "Piggy Wiggy" is his nickname... an 'endearing' term (rarely) used 'affectionately' by his wife, "Impedimenta"... which unfailingly makes the great Chief go wobbly on the knees... FYI. Hence, he is extremely worried about the 'domestic' implications...
2. The Great Gauls... "Asterix" and "Obelix" too are facing a serious and unprecedented dilemma. They have been banned from hunting wild boars and feasting on them. According to the Chief Boar, Mr. Whataboar, their association, the "PIGGIS" (Pigs Grunt and Groan In Style), have approached the International Court of Justice in The Hague (the Netherlands) as well as PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) and grunted their serious reservations against this gross injustice in no uncertain grunts.
This has resulted in "Obelix" having to undergo a bout of forced dieting... he has already lost 600 pounds and can no longer be recognized or be called 'obese'... oops "Obelix". There are talks that he may be asked to change his name to "Thinelix". Other names also under consideration being: "Beanpoleix", "Drumstix", "Lamppostix", "Palmtrix", "Sizezeroix", "Slimntrimix" and "Skeletonix". The Romans are said to be rubbing their hands in glee at this 'unexpected' news! While the boars are exulting over having their "pound of flesh". Both "Asterix" and "Obelix" are said to be consulting their local village druid, "Getafix"... to get a quick fix solution.
The International Court of Justice is debating whether pigs/swines/boars fall in the same category... the US of A is plumping for the 'swines' while the Russians and the Chinese have thrown their collective weights behind the 'pigs'. The 'boars' have been left alone to get bored. The matter has now reached the coldest storage of all... the United Nations Security Council (UNSC).
PETA has taken some steps, though. They have despatched two of their famous 'wah rears' - Pamela Anderson and Shilpa Shetty to show their 'solidarity' with the boars. Both being goody 'wah rears' cum 'glad-eye-ters' will steer clear of all 'booby traps' and will cover themselves with p(f)ig leaves donated by the 'Boaring Association'. This was stated by their Chairboar Mr. Boared To Death.
Travelling to the Netherlands is proving to be a problem for the "PIGGIS". Netherlands as you know is surrounded by rivers and famous for its windmills... but then pigs/swines/boars/hogs can 'fly'... its just that their passports have been impounded, hence they are facing immigration issues. Even the (flying) Dutch Govt. have denied them visas... though they have clarified that their intention is only to further their case and not 'fight with windmills'. They are no fans of Don Quixote... after all!!! The 'flying' swines are not taking this snub from another 'flying' object lying down... and are crying 'fowl'... this has 'alarmed' the fowls/chickens greatly...!!! Even the 'cuckoo(s)' have taken to guarding their nests zealously these days... to stop 'anyone' from 'flying' over it. The red alert mentioned: "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest"... but the cuckoo(s) being a little hard of hearing... heard it as: "Swine Flu Over the Cuckoo's Nest"... !!!
3. The (k)nightmare for the KKR continues: Ever since it was discovered that a certain Brad Hodge plays for this team... all the hogs are up in grunts. Now, Brad Hodge is under scrutiny... to determine whether he makes the 'cut'... for a lifetime membership to the exclusive and elite 'Hogers Park'... as well as the by invitation only 'Grunt and Hog Club'. No 'treshogging' allowed... !
It was also found that a particularly B(r)ad Hogg had tried to be a part of the IPL season 2. This Hogg's base price was pegged at $200,000... but there were no takers. It seems that none of the IPL franchisees were keen to p(f)ork out $200,000 for this B(r)ad Hogg. Some expensive hogg, this!!!
During the second test (Second Test, 2007-08 Border-Gavaskar Trophy) against India in Sydney it was alleged that this Hogg had called the then Indian Captain Anil Kumble and Vice Captain Mahendra Singh Dhoni... "bastards". The latter being "gentlemen" refused to get into a 'grunt-o-verbal' duel with a hogg...
4. Hollywood actor 'Kevin Bacon' too have been asked to go in for a change of name. Even his restaurant... in his home town of Philadelphia, named "Bring Home the Bacon" is under scrutiny.
Bacon and his actress wife Kyra Sedgwick have (recently) lost an undisclosed amount of money in the Ponzi scheme of the infamous investor Bernard Madoff... Last heard, (his life being an open book) Kevin Bacon was quite inclined to take a leaf out of this experience and christen himself "Kevin Conned" or "Kevin Been Conned"... while his restaurant could be renamed as: "Bring Home the (Ba)Conned".
5. It has also been heard that one of the most compelling painters of the twentieth century, Francis Bacon is spending sleepless nights in his heavenly abode. He was earlier gearing himself up for the marking of the centenary celebrations of his birth in Dublin in 1909... thinking of 'pigging out' on a huge cake and blowing a 100 candles (read: stars). But, the 'Hogs and Swines Will Boar You To Death' - a grouping of like-minded hogs/swines/boars... currently residing in heaven have thrown a spanner in the workings of his plans. They do not object to his 'art'... only the 'bacon'... and he can keep the Kevin... thats no 'sin'. He has been contemplating... since he has been a 'leading light', a 'beacon' in the realm of art and paintings... to tweak his name to 'Francis Beacon' instead... then he can 'have his cake and eat it too'... !!!
6. A similar dilemma is also plaguing his namesake (the Viscount) Sir Francis Bacon... who graced this planet between 22 January 1561 – 9 April 1626, and has been playing chess and smoking the 'hookah' or the 'hubble bubble' in peace at his abode on the 'Starry Hills'... 'Sunshine Road'... Flat # 9/1626, 'Heaven Apartments'... all this while. Yes, the 'Hubble Bubble' - no modern contraption for him. Who wants to be accused of polluting the stratosphere and be held responsible for 'Ozone pollution'... after all???
The pigs/swines/boars/hogs do not mind the 'Sir'ring... as opposed to 'snoring'... the swines won't stop him from drinking (s)wine... as long the 's' is silent.. ! Only the 'bacon'... is a problem. This puts his name and famous 'work'... the 'Baconian method' on the back burner. No... he didn't bake anything silly! He prefers to walk... and never rode piggyback or danced with ladybugs... !!! Sir Francis is now consulting Aristotle and William Shakespeare on the possibility of changing it to 'Draconian method'... and whether this tantamounts to 'copyright infringement' of 'another' kind.
After a careful study... of his 'horrorscope'... he has been asked to consult the Legal Eagle Mr. Mosquito (from the "Bee Movie")... Why...??? Well... as the mosquito itself says, "I was already a blood sucking parasite, all I needed was a briefcase." The prosecution may be represented by a certain Count Dracula. Like "one good deed deserves another", one blue blood deserves another... umm... this one promises to be one 'hell' of a 'mouth watering'... fight to the finishing (neck)line... !
7. There are plans afoot to completely ban words and phrases such as: eat like a pig, snore like a pig, pigging out, pigging on, pig out, hogging..... the list is still being compiled... Oink!! 'Brand'ing actions like: peeing or spitting in public as "piggery habits" or "piggish conduct" may invoke a (porku)fine as well. These are harsh 'words'... and the pigs and its friends will 'prove' that the "(pig)pen is mightier than the (s)word"... ! The "Association of All True Pigs, Swines, Boars and Hogs" want to forbid humans from using their names... or anything resembling them... for their all too 'human' activities/actions. After all why should 'they' be 'blamed' for the actions of humans..??? Has anybody ever seen a pig or a swine or their cousins... spitting on the road... ??? Thats trademark 'human' behaviour... and they being perfectly law-abiding 'pigizens'... have no intention of infringing on it!!!
Swine flu caused by human error? According to the news on yahoo, dated May 15, 2009 and here is the link: http://in.news.yahoo.com/32/20090514/1506/tls-swine-flu-caused-by-human-error.html... the World Health Organisation (WHO) is investigating a claim by a researcher who said the "swine flu" virus may have been created as a result of human error. "Swine flu" - officially called "influenza A H1N1" - has infected 5,728 people and killed 61 in 33 countries. WHO cares!!!
Australian researcher Adrian Gibbs, 75, claimed the strain may have accidentally evolved in eggs scientists use to grow viruses and make vaccines. "One of the simplest explanations is that it's a laboratory escape," Gibbs, who collaborated on research that led to the development of the anti-flu drug Tamiflu, told Bloomberg TV. "But there are lots of others."
He said it could be a mistake that occurred at a vaccine production facility or the virus could have jumped from a pig to another mammal or a bird before reaching humans. India is so far free of swine flu. Looks like, "galti se mistake ho gaya"... [W(o)ink!] [W(o)ink!]
As an expert on germ evolution, Gibbs is one of the first scientists to analyse the genetic makeup of the H1N1 virus infecting humans. His analysis found the new strain is the product of two distinct lineages of influenza found in pigs in North America and Europe for a decade.
Hmmm... could this also be the 'legacy' of a certain 'flora' who 'masqueraded' as a "Homo sapien" and his 'Man Friday'... a certain Mr. Cauliflower Ears... ??? The mystery deepens... more mind chow for our in-house private eye... the very "miss_teerious" girl...!
Meanwhile, the pigs/swines/boars/hogs communities are up in armagrunts and (grunt)demanding that stern action be taken against the offenders. According to their Chief Spokeshog Mr. Hogging The Limelite, they are asking for their 'piggy-back' and 'boaring' rights to be restored... and elevated so as to be at par with that of the honourable POWs... and no pow wows to be allowed. As a first step towards this, in a kind of CBM (Confidence Building Measure)... they have asked for a change of name... from "Swine Flu" to "Homo Sapieno Error Flu". After all, "to err is human, to forgive divine"... Or is it... _ _ ine... ??? Please fill in the blanks... !!!
Last heard... the swine fluuuu to Latin America and is dancing to "Livin' la Vida Loca" (English: Living the Crazy Life). Now, the cows there are said to be a very worried lot... awaiting the countdown... "Un, dos, Tres..." !!! The chicken too are beginning to 'lose their heads'...
Note: Info gathered courtesy Wikipedia and http://in.news.yahoo.com/
Cartoons courtesy: http://www.cartoonstock.com/
The views expressed here are entirely in good humour and without malice.
Hilarious takes on the 'scenarios' created due to the "Swine flu".