An Ode to... One year of UPA-II...!!!

Author's note: The UPA government has just completed its first year in office... in its second avatar that is. The 63rd anniversary of our so-called 'independence day' is just around the corner too. Not yet time for superannuation... I tell you! Therefore, I feel it is only fitting that I blog about them a bit. Read on folks...

PC has advocated Taoism to combat Maoism. Doing it any other way... will attract the Human Rights fellows, I say! The dimpled Prince shows no sign of taking over... it makes sense to be the King-maker (Singh-maker??) than the King (Singh). Afterall... 'Singh is King'... and not the 'Mover and Shaker'!! With due apologies to Shekhar. The 'hot seat' can wait... while our Prince Charming hotfoots across the country wearing cool sneakers! Mayajal-wati continues to wear 'phool-malas'... and bless her supporters. The ones who find their pockets/purses lightened as a result of being fooled... for those 'malas'. The Balaji of a certain hills is under an illusion... of being the richest God. How can he be? He only wears garlands made of garden-fresh flowers... while the Queen-Goddess wears freshly minted ones! So silly of him... you see?!!

We also had the much-coveted 3G auction. Its a fact... not fiction. The government received a windfall of Rs 67,719 crore! Haan Ji, Haan Ji... it was a winning strategy. Pranab Babu is as pleased as punch. He might lower the price of Hilsa... that's my hunch!

Trees and forests are being murdered to make way for "martyr's memorials". While our living soldiers are all well-equipped with rusty old guns and bullet-proof jackets made of paper. They look quite dapper and this is no caper. They have to be martyred for us to build more memorials! Moral of the story: this way they get to remain immortal, silly! We are an environment conscious nation and an extremely prosperous one at that... with a high level of resilience to global climate change. We can't be short-changed! Our life is controlled by a little blue bird. So sweet... tweet! tweet! Our thoughts revolve around: To Twit or not to Twit? Our mission is to twit... and then matter finished! Offlate, in certain countries... the Facebook has lost it face and become faceless. But not nameless though... it still retains its identity. What a pity! Twitter has no such ills... only communication (s)kills. The cricket i-Pill caused some complications... and is now undergoing some 'modi'fications. There will be no 'pawar' failures in future. The specialists are checking on the Vitamin M dosage prescribed by Dr. Twitteroor... who is currently attending to matters of the heart. No foreign affairs allowed... therefore he bowed out.

Meanwhile... Swami Mithyanand goes about his business with folded hands. He has mastered the art of throwing sand. Where? In our eyes... the man is a veteran and very wise. The cost of everything including foodgrains... is going through the roof. So? It means we all have a roof over our heads! Remember... 'roti, kapda aur makaan' (food, clothing and shelter)?? Without 'makaan' there can be no 'roof'. Hence proved! Less roti keeps us slim 'n' trim. No cholesterol... no bad dream! Kapda? Well... Ms. Sherawat is our national inspiration. She's always naturally air-conditioned! That's how our statistics will interpret. No sweat. Didn't you know about the three kind of untruths: lies, damn lies and statistics?!! There lies the solution... the quick fix!

We'll soon have to live on 'love' and 'fresh air'. Ummm... given the level of pollution, the latter may be difficult and unfair. But we will achieve it... given the 'indomitable Indian spirit'. Don't the folks who display poly-tricks and their first cousins in the media say... 'we are not scared of bombs and terrorists'... and sing paeans in praise of the 'resilient Indian spirit'... ??? They mean the aam-jaanta of course... who have to be forever resilient... by force. For the VIPs/VVIPs... only black cats and Z/Z+ category. Only then no worry... for the welfare of our country. Their spirits do not want to be 'domiciled' either... and would rather travel farther and farther. Sometimes on 'study tours'... of Switzerland and Sweden. As we believe in the 'power of the pen'.

Which also makes the 'renowned author' Shobha De laugh all the way to the bank. This is no child's play and certainly not a prank. While all the knowledge gathered by our forefathers have sank... without a trace. Our history is written by foreigners... belonging to nations with a history of some 400 odd years! Their history is like our current affairs! Not fair... dear Sirs. And Madams too! You see... I'm all for 'gender equality'. Even though I recently learnt from Choco's blog... that till now only the cockroach species have managed to achieve it. 'Gender Equality'... that is. They do not have a lalu, mulayam or even a chara ghotala among them. Probably that's why... they are flying high.

We hate them... we bait them. Yet they 'endure'... but never 'endear'. And are quite at home... with atom. I meant the nuclear bomb. We have made a big deal out of the 'Indo-US Nuclear deal'. Not kill bill. We better check its veracity... to be doubly certain re: its 'purity'. Lets make sure... it is not 'new wine in old bottle'. Full throttle. One, two, three... Uncle Sam goes up the tree. Jack and the Beanstock... no shock! We are all 'human beans'... genuflecting is in our genes! As to whether this nuclear deal is really nuclear or not? So what? Is it like 'American diamond' or 'rolled gold'... ?? Don't we all know: "all that glitters is not gold"... ?? Roaches don't die easy... they die hard... very hard indeed! No relation to Bruce Willis. Go fish! Methinks... perhaps they know where to find the 'elixir of life' aka the 'amrit'... so to speak. Choco says: "They might just have the 'amrit' stashed away, somewhere deep inside the sewers!" Yewww! That'll be the antidote to the 'amrit' then... Shame, Shame! We may want to ask the Chinese though. Just to be sure. *wink wink*

As for the 'living on love' bit... how else do you think we have almost equalled China? I mean... in headcount... not in size... sweetheart. Even though 'size does matter'. Our 'custodians of the law' too are found doing their bit... regularly. Quite simply! It is the female of the species who are at fault, silly. Why do they wear jeans, salwars, sarees... and 'ask for it'?? You dimwit... we are progressing. By leaps and bounds... not bit by bit! In ancient times women wore much less... and were totally safe. As for the land... we are staunch believers in the 'Panchsheel' and the peerless 'theory of non-violence'. Both make a lot of sense.

When China attacked in October 1962, our defense factories were producing tin cans... and not bullets. I did not mean the bullet motorbike. Go... take a hike! Blame it on our fate. We didn't know... tin cans can be used for chasing away elephants and tigers... but not the Chinese. So we said 'cheese'. And graduated to 'Hindi-Chini Buy Buy'. We never shy... we aim for the sky. Next we will feed them 'chikan manchuri' and other classic 'Chineese food'. So far so good! As for the tigers... only 1141 of them remain... not counting the species found in the emerald island off the South East coast of India... in the Indian Ocean. It wasn't due to the tin cans silly... we have now started manufacturing bullets. You bet! What about the elephants? Well... as they say: "Haathi ke daanth khane ke aur, dikhane ke aur hote hain".

Meanwhile... we should stop 'eating' tigers and switch to Parle - G!!! Heehee!

The Chinese took away large parts of our land... and still indulge in wilful excursions. Let them! We will continue to uphold our 'ancient culture and traditions'. Didn't you know... 'atithi devo bhava'... ?? It means 'guest is God and should be treated like a deity'. Very, very gently. So our 'guests' from the 'Red Fort' are God... and by mistake Buddha had smiled here... twice. How nice!

Another Buddha went to Japan and declared... we have a 'surplus of power' and can export it. Not sure... which 'power' he was referring to though. Take a bow. While we petition the rain gods... to mitigate the growing water crisis. 'Water, water everywhere... but not a drop to drink'. We indulge in brinkmanship. Our fertile lands are turning into industries led by the MNCs... while people don't know their ABCs. Lakes make way for apartments while metro-rail run through parks. Land sharks? Three cheers! They come in all shape and sizes. For guessing... no prizes!

Playgrounds are transforming into parking space for vehicles... yet we expect our athletes to perform miracles! Not our cricketers silly... they are Gods. Even if they import snazzy cars and do not pay the customs duty... we accept it, whatever the odds! Afterall, their 'services to the nation' are there for all to see... and it is the public who got to pay the tax or the fee. 'Coz for them... nothing comes free! Pub brawls and parties... are the new ditties. Whoever said: "Ask not what your country can do for you - ask what you can do for your country"... did not know a thing about our cricketing gentry.

As for the health of the kids... both big and small... they'll have a ball. "All work and no play makes jack a dull boy"... did you say?? What are joysticks for... and video games, computer games, et al... ??? We love our 'kupamandup syndrome'... infact we bask in it. All's 'well' that ends (in a) 'well'... isn't it?? So what... the groundwater levels are depleting?? Switch to bottled water... available freely in the markets. It is a free-market economy... you see. The sellers are free to charge you... as per their fancy. "If they have no bread, let them eat cake!" Its all for the public's sake. Let us never fear to negotiate... or curse our fate. If there was a platinum medal for 'kabaddi' we would win it... by a wide margin. It is our national pastime... *big grin*

We neglect our real heros... and remain in thrall of our cricketing Gods and matinee idols. We fight and kill in the name of God... then indulge in blame game. No shame. 'Sons-of-the-soil' rhetoric and bombastic talk about the 'glory of the mother tongue' prevails. That 'inglees' is a foreign language. We refuse to develop a culture of reading. What culture (?)... only vulture.

Sania-mania waned and made way for Saina. So, our former tennis queen... forever plagued by various 'aches and pains' decided to cross the 'Lakshman Rekha' and marry the out-of-work 'mundaya Sialkotia' - Shoaib Malik... to woo lady luck back. 'Lady luck' arrived in the shape of Ayesha aka Maha Siddiqui... who firmly stayed away from the flash-bulbs, and yet was the sole provider of all the 'spicy and juicy grist for the rumour mills and gossip-mongers'. Shoaib denied having married her ever... while she held firm... demanding a divorce. What a farce! Mr. Malik referred to her as his 'apa' (elder sister) and even aunty. No Babli... only Bunty!

Things came down to their 'wedding-night clothes'. Mr. Malik then broke into a cold sweat and felt like he was going to faint. And immediately recovered from his selective amnesia. Remember... the lady's name's Ayesha? He speedily granted her a divorce. So, the saga of the 'telephone marriage' that had begun with a pic sent over the internet... ended. Net-Net. Why Mr. Malik divorced someone he had never even married... is a mystery. Maybe the Bhatts can solve it! Will be a sure-shot hit! The celebrity-crazy media on both sides of the border... hungry for juicy tidbits... went berserk. And for nearly a month we had to endure the 'Shoania' saga plaguing our airwaves... disguised as important news coverage. No less. Overshadowing minor matters like the water and power crunch and sundry law and order issues. Pass me the tissues. Shoaib reportedly demanded 35 million for the exclusive rights to telecast his walima ceremony. It's all about the money, honey! But was left tweedling his thumbs, since there were no takers. Crumbs! Tweedledee and Tweedledum. Talk about the volatile stock markets! Ho-hum. Pass me the sickbag please... and strictly no doughnut and no cheese.

Cyclone Laila... gave us a scare. But mercifully weakened and we were spared. Else we would have been submerged for days on end... much like Atlantis - the lost continent. And no rainwater harvesting either... our poly-tricians would be too busy running hither and thither. To fish in troubled waters, silly! While the hoi polloi would have to go without 'roti, kapda aur makaan'... what fun! There... our statistics goes up in smoke! No joke! Thankfully, Laila came alone and did not bring her better half... Majnu along. So considerate and sweet! No, I won't twit... one bit! I Promise! Say cheese... yes please!

(More later...)

Note: The views expressed here are entirely in good humour and without malice.

Cartoons courtesy: http://blogs.hindustantimes.com/dabs-and-jabs/tag/upa/

Photographs:

Hilarious takes on the Political scenario - in India.