For want of that elusive Nuclear Deal... (1)

They say, 'all good things in life come in small packages'. I would say... amend that to 'all path breaking and earth shattering things... '.

That innocuous-looking equation, E=MC2 changed the course of life and history. For the better... ?? Well, not quite. Just like 'every dark cloud has a silver lining'... every good intention/invention comes with an unwanted twin aka 'Mr. Hyde'. 'Little Boy' and 'Fat Man' further compounded things... apart from changing both history and geography, as well as science and biology and everything in between. Forever. Infact, there was a 'Thin Man' too... but 'he' had to be aborted. Thank God for small mercies! Even the pro-life/human rights lobby won't mind that one... I think. *wink!*

Soon this subcontinent caught up with it. How could it lag behind... ?? And finally the 'Buddha' smiled... twice. Completely enamoured by the very first smile (of Buddha) India's long-estranged sibling too joined the race.

Cut to modern times.

After some negotiations, India managed to seal the deal... with the world's sole superpower-cum-policeman. Deal?? Yes, the much coveted 'Nuclear Deal'... the 'Indo-US civilian nuclear agreement'. This set in motion a series of events... as per the law of 'neighbour's envy owner's pride'. Meanwhile the deal underwent a change of name and got rechristened as the '123 agreement'. You see... numerology is very much in fashion. Suddenly a cacophony of voices were raised and much opposition was voiced towards this deal. It was found that these people were against mathematics and numerology... and were suspected to be only in favour of 'Chinese Chequers'. Since 'Russian Roulette' is a little out of fashion these days. After a lot of drama and still more theatrics... our man(mohan) was finally able to say: 'Singh is King'... !

This sent our long-estranged sibling into a terrible sulk. You see, they were expecting the very same thing (read: deal) as a 'baksheesh' or 'tip'. For their long and dedicated years... completely devoted to shining, buttering and oiling a lot of already polished shoes, furnitures and floors. Last heard... they are still sulking and refusing to accept 7.5 billion USD worth of aid from the same 'baksheesh' givers. They are perfectly willing to accept loans that come with stringent clauses and tough fiscal measures from the World's Moneybank, etc., but not aid that does not have to be paid back. Mind you 1 USD = more than Rs. 83 in their currency. So what, even if it is a five-year aid package (extendable to 10 years or more)... ?? To be spent entirely on the social sector... like building schools, health care centres and the like. With nearly 90 per cent of the non-development federal budget being spent on subsidies, defence and debt servicing, leaving around 10 per cent for administrative costs and the social sector... this ought to be a 'manna' from heaven. Right... ?? Wrong!!! Who needs schools and hospitals when there are 72 virgins waiting for 'them' in the afterlife... ??? Only a fool would want to go to school... na... ???

Afterall, it is a matter of 'honour'... as some renowned people including some 'Nobel (sur)prize' deserving closet economists like a third class Oxford degree holder-cum-ex cricketer-cum-aging international lothario-cum-failed politician-cum-trumpet-blowing philanthropist and other assorted colourful beard displaying folks say. Afterall, if someone has that many 'degrees' he should have a very big brain... which may require more than one head to accommodate. Thus needing a certain ten-headed King to come to the rescue. Or maybe a fork tongued hydra... ?? Perhaps. Incidentally this worthy is the 'proud' winner of the "Hall of Shame award" - the 'Paris Hilton award for being the most undeserving media darling'. Hmmm.

Curiously, this chap with the big and undoubtedly heavy head does not divulge his own sources of income... to fund a lifestyle far beyond his known means. Maybe he approaches the same World's Moneybank for the purpose. Who knows? Ummm... he himself undertakes numerous pilgrimages to that unholy land of the sole superpower to collect chanda/alms for his life's mission - 'philanthropic pursuits'. Perhaps he means, 'do what I say, don't do what I do'. Mind you, his 'mission' is conducted in the full glare of flashing camera bulbs. Perhaps he is making a photo album to share with the Almighty above... as solid proof of his noble deeds... and thereby gain an entry beyond the 'pearly gates'. Remember... the 72 waiting virgins... ??? Afterall, 'old habits die hard'.

'They' are now asking for a 'divorce' from the sole superpower. I'm not sure... whether an 'employer' can legally (or otherwise) 'divorce' his/her 'Man Friday'. Feeling let down by their 'tight buddy' 'they' are now trying to get into an even tighter embrace with the occupants of a certain 'Red Fort'. Which... going by the later's excellent and successful track record... may result in a 'fusion'.

So agitated are 'they' that some of them have virtually shouted at Hillary: 'Do you know how many bases the United States has in this country?' Smilingly, Mrs Clinton countered: 'Do you know how many billions of dollars the United States has given Pakistan?' Good question, no answer. Period. Both Mrs Clinton and Senator John Kerry have said, if 'they' do not want or need the money, nobody is forcing it down their throats. Well?? Let me remind you, Mrs Clinton is the Governor General-cum-Viceroy of the 1st, 2nd and 3rd worlds... excluding the sole superpower, that is. This power has recently elected its first Black President. Dazzled by his athletic figure and six-pack... a bunch of 'nobelmen' have promptly given him the 'Nobel (sur)prize'. If he decides to persist with his flowery speeches and the teleprompter... they may decide to call him 'half white'.

Returning to our long estranged sibling... their sense of 'honour' is very unique. They are willing to grovel and stand on their knees in front of 'powerful' goras (white men). But... not willing to accept any nuclear reactor and nuclear reprocessing plant... brought in by a government headed by a woman. Infact, their 'strongmen' refuse to salute or report to any woman. It is against 'their' religion... and being the devout 'custodian' of the faith... how could 'they'?? That the first person who was a convert to the same religion/faith was a woman... be damned. 'They' never met her, nor broke bread with her. Matter finished.

How do 'they' deal with 'this' scenario? Simple! A woman ruling over 'men' is simply not acceptable (as per 'their' law i.e., 'their interpretation' of 'their' faith). That too someone who is 'aggressive' and unwilling to let them serve their 'masters' loyally in the Gulf War. Sheer blasphemy! So... ??? Paint her black and give her the sack. After all 'they' ARE the law and can do as 'they' please.

Had 'they' followed the "doctrine of equal opportunity"... as we do... in these matters atleast... 'they' would have had nuclear reactors and nuclear reprocessing plants. Nearly 20 years ago... from France. Signed and sealed between the then (and now late) French President Mitterrand and the then (and now departed) Pak PM Benazir Bhutto. After her dismissal, it went into cold storage and the agreement could not be implemented due to financial constraints and the next government's apathy. What if 'they' had let it happen? 'They' would not have had to cry buckets over a 'Nuclear deal'... 20 years later. Thus taking the adage... 'crying over spilt milk' to new heights. Unfortunately, for all 'their' troubles... it won't result in a 'white revolution' aka 'operation flood' and the rivers there are unlikely to raise their water levels. But... this could be the plot for the sequeal to the movie "Bees saal baad"... !!! What say... ??? Bhatt Saab maybe interested... if it stars a certain 'serial kisser' that is. *wink!* Looks like, this poker-faced chappie has a star status equivalent to that of SRK in this 'land of the pure'. No wonder 'King Khan' has not set foot there, so far...

We treat our Nuclear scientists with respect... they do their job and lead a quiet life. Under no circumstances do they behave like a 'Santa Claus with the devil's horns and several hush hush bank accounts'. Curiously... across the border, they are perfectly willing to accept/believe that a metallurgist full of hubris can be a nuclear scientist! If you ever want to see the 8th wonder of the world... 'hamin ast o hamin ast o hamin ast' (meaning: it is here, it is here, it is here.)

'They' have even managed to despatch the initators of their nuclear and missile programmes (a certain père and fille) to meet their maker - well before their time! Wah! Wah! Kya baat hai!

While their sole Nobel laureate (Dr. Abdus Salam) - one of the central figures in their nuclear program - was treated unfairly, indifferently and chased out of the country unceremoniously. Kinda awarded the 'No-bail prize'. He was the founder and Director of the International Centre for Theoretical Physics (ICTP), Trieste, Italy from 1964 to December 1993. (The Centre has since been renamed, the Abdus Salam International Centre for Theoretical Physics). This world-class institution would have been in Pak... had 'they' not hounded out one of their 'finest jewels'. Well... 'their' loss was certainly Italy's gain. As they say, 'time and tide waits for none'. For sure!

Another (Mr. Munir Ahmad Khan - the Chairman of PAEC, and head of the nuclear program) was completely ignored and neglected as a scientist and a human being. He, who was the "God-Father of their nuclear program". Incidentally, the same female PM tried to make amends... in Dr. Salam's case. She read his 'file' - the one where the 'defenders of the faith and nation' had accumulated 'evidences' against him - and is said to have written "Complete nonsense" on it. Result? Immediately branded as a 'security risk'... and showered with the choicest 'labels'/'laurels'.

Along with a well coordinated and sustained smear campaign launched via the media, sms and e-mail. Plus word-of-mouth aka whispering campaign. 'These' chaps are 'seasoned campaigners' in the art of guerilla warfare-like tactics. By Jove! Except in the actual battlefield... where they are usually found with a bloody nose... and as a result, their 'beloved' country undergoes 'fission'. The irony being... this was the very person who introduced 'technology' in that country, in the form of computers, mobile phones and the internet... again drawing much flak from several quarters. Gave complete freedom to the press and released a lot of 'missing persons'. When she took office... the PM's secretariat supposedly did not even have a fax machine! Talk about being in the 'stone age'... ! Obviously, the 'cavemen' did not like her.

Wonder what that mild-mannered, almost dovish Gen. Colin Powell (or was it the other moderate in Dubyaman's administration - Richard Armitage... ??) meant... when he called up a certain Commando at an unearthly hour (3 o'clock in the morning!) to ask if he was "with us or not in the 'War on Terror'... and threatened to bomb Pakistan 'back to the stone age'..." ?? And why did that fist pumping Commando+General+CEO+whatever... respond with such a knee-jerk reaction... ?? They were already there... in the 'stone age'. Perhaps at the Kakul Academy they are taught only to salute and say 'Yes Sir!' to anything that moves in an uniform... anything with an US accent... !

Note: You can read my other political satires... titled: "UP, UP and (UP)AWAY... UPA Aala Re... !!!" (HERE) and "Poll-i-nation... !!!" (HERE).

Footnote:

E=MC2: one of the most well-known accomplishments of the Nobel prize winning theoretical physicist Albert Einstein.

More on Dr. Jekyll and Mr Hyde: HERE.

"If there is paradise anywhere on earth, it is here, it is here, it is here". Persian version: "Agar Firdaus ba-ru-i-zamin ast, hamin ast o hamin ast o hamin ast."

Photograph:

The dreaded 'Mushroom Cloud'... that nobody wants to see. I hope... and pray (Pic courtesy: link)