Sunday, November 8, 2009

For want of that elusive Nuclear Deal... (1)

They say, 'all good things in life come in small packages'. I would say... amend that to 'all path breaking and earth shattering things... '.

That innocuous-looking equation, E=MC2 changed the course of life and history. For the better... ?? Well, not quite. Just like 'every dark cloud has a silver lining'... every good intention/invention comes with an unwanted twin aka 'Mr. Hyde'. 'Little Boy' and 'Fat Man' further compounded things... apart from changing both history and geography, as well as science and biology and everything in between. Forever. Infact, there was a 'Thin Man' too... but 'he' had to be aborted. Thank God for small mercies! Even the pro-life/human rights lobby won't mind that one... I think. *wink!*

Soon this subcontinent caught up with it. How could it lag behind... ?? And finally the 'Buddha' smiled... twice. Completely enamoured by the very first smile (of Buddha) India's long-estranged sibling too joined the race.

Cut to modern times.

After some negotiations, India managed to seal the deal... with the world's sole superpower-cum-policeman. Deal?? Yes, the much coveted 'Nuclear Deal'... the 'Indo-US civilian nuclear agreement'. This set in motion a series of events... as per the law of 'neighbour's envy owner's pride'. Meanwhile the deal underwent a change of name and got rechristened as the '123 agreement'. You see... numerology is very much in fashion. Suddenly a cacophony of voices were raised and much opposition was voiced towards this deal. It was found that these people were against mathematics and numerology... and were suspected to be only in favour of 'Chinese Chequers'. Since 'Russian Roulette' is a little out of fashion these days. After a lot of drama and still more theatrics... our man(mohan) was finally able to say: 'Singh is King'... !

This sent our long-estranged sibling into a terrible sulk. You see, they were expecting the very same thing (read: deal) as a 'baksheesh' or 'tip'. For their long and dedicated years... completely devoted to shining, buttering and oiling a lot of already polished shoes, furnitures and floors. Last heard... they are still sulking and refusing to accept 7.5 billion USD worth of aid from the same 'baksheesh' givers. They are perfectly willing to accept loans that come with stringent clauses and tough fiscal measures from the World's Moneybank, etc., but not aid that does not have to be paid back. Mind you 1 USD = more than Rs. 83 in their currency. So what, even if it is a five-year aid package (extendable to 10 years or more)... ?? To be spent entirely on the social sector... like building schools, health care centres and the like. With nearly 90 per cent of the non-development federal budget being spent on subsidies, defence and debt servicing, leaving around 10 per cent for administrative costs and the social sector... this ought to be a 'manna' from heaven. Right... ?? Wrong!!! Who needs schools and hospitals when there are 72 virgins waiting for 'them' in the afterlife... ??? Only a fool would want to go to school... na... ???

Afterall, it is a matter of 'honour'... as some renowned people including some 'Nobel (sur)prize' deserving closet economists like a third class Oxford degree holder-cum-ex cricketer-cum-aging international lothario-cum-failed politician-cum-trumpet-blowing philanthropist and other assorted colourful beard displaying folks say. Afterall, if someone has that many 'degrees' he should have a very big brain... which may require more than one head to accommodate. Thus needing a certain ten-headed King to come to the rescue. Or maybe a fork tongued hydra... ?? Perhaps. Incidentally this worthy is the 'proud' winner of the "Hall of Shame award" - the 'Paris Hilton award for being the most undeserving media darling'. Hmmm.

Curiously, this chap with the big and undoubtedly heavy head does not divulge his own sources of income... to fund a lifestyle far beyond his known means. Maybe he approaches the same World's Moneybank for the purpose. Who knows? Ummm... he himself undertakes numerous pilgrimages to that unholy land of the sole superpower to collect chanda/alms for his life's mission - 'philanthropic pursuits'. Perhaps he means, 'do what I say, don't do what I do'. Mind you, his 'mission' is conducted in the full glare of flashing camera bulbs. Perhaps he is making a photo album to share with the Almighty above... as solid proof of his noble deeds... and thereby gain an entry beyond the 'pearly gates'. Remember... the 72 waiting virgins... ??? Afterall, 'old habits die hard'.

'They' are now asking for a 'divorce' from the sole superpower. I'm not sure... whether an 'employer' can legally (or otherwise) 'divorce' his/her 'Man Friday'. Feeling let down by their 'tight buddy' 'they' are now trying to get into an even tighter embrace with the occupants of a certain 'Red Fort'. Which... going by the later's excellent and successful track record... may result in a 'fusion'.

So agitated are 'they' that some of them have virtually shouted at Hillary: 'Do you know how many bases the United States has in this country?' Smilingly, Mrs Clinton countered: 'Do you know how many billions of dollars the United States has given Pakistan?' Good question, no answer. Period. Both Mrs Clinton and Senator John Kerry have said, if 'they' do not want or need the money, nobody is forcing it down their throats. Well?? Let me remind you, Mrs Clinton is the Governor General-cum-Viceroy of the 1st, 2nd and 3rd worlds... excluding the sole superpower, that is. This power has recently elected its first Black President. Dazzled by his athletic figure and six-pack... a bunch of 'nobelmen' have promptly given him the 'Nobel (sur)prize'. If he decides to persist with his flowery speeches and the teleprompter... they may decide to call him 'half white'.

Returning to our long estranged sibling... their sense of 'honour' is very unique. They are willing to grovel and stand on their knees in front of 'powerful' goras (white men). But... not willing to accept any nuclear reactor and nuclear reprocessing plant... brought in by a government headed by a woman. Infact, their 'strongmen' refuse to salute or report to any woman. It is against 'their' religion... and being the devout 'custodian' of the faith... how could 'they'?? That the first person who was a convert to the same religion/faith was a woman... be damned. 'They' never met her, nor broke bread with her. Matter finished.

How do 'they' deal with 'this' scenario? Simple! A woman ruling over 'men' is simply not acceptable (as per 'their' law i.e., 'their interpretation' of 'their' faith). That too someone who is 'aggressive' and unwilling to let them serve their 'masters' loyally in the Gulf War. Sheer blasphemy! So... ??? Paint her black and give her the sack. After all 'they' ARE the law and can do as 'they' please.

Had 'they' followed the "doctrine of equal opportunity"... as we do... in these matters atleast... 'they' would have had nuclear reactors and nuclear reprocessing plants. Nearly 20 years ago... from France. Signed and sealed between the then (and now late) French President Mitterrand and the then (and now departed) Pak PM Benazir Bhutto. After her dismissal, it went into cold storage and the agreement could not be implemented due to financial constraints and the next government's apathy. What if 'they' had let it happen? 'They' would not have had to cry buckets over a 'Nuclear deal'... 20 years later. Thus taking the adage... 'crying over spilt milk' to new heights. Unfortunately, for all 'their' troubles... it won't result in a 'white revolution' aka 'operation flood' and the rivers there are unlikely to raise their water levels. But... this could be the plot for the sequeal to the movie "Bees saal baad"... !!! What say... ??? Bhatt Saab maybe interested... if it stars a certain 'serial kisser' that is. *wink!* Looks like, this poker-faced chappie has a star status equivalent to that of SRK in this 'land of the pure'. No wonder 'King Khan' has not set foot there, so far...

We treat our Nuclear scientists with respect... they do their job and lead a quiet life. Under no circumstances do they behave like a 'Santa Claus with the devil's horns and several hush hush bank accounts'. Curiously... across the border, they are perfectly willing to accept/believe that a metallurgist full of hubris can be a nuclear scientist! If you ever want to see the 8th wonder of the world... 'hamin ast o hamin ast o hamin ast' (meaning: it is here, it is here, it is here.)

'They' have even managed to despatch the initators of their nuclear and missile programmes (a certain père and fille) to meet their maker - well before their time! Wah! Wah! Kya baat hai!

While their sole Nobel laureate (Dr. Abdus Salam) - one of the central figures in their nuclear program - was treated unfairly, indifferently and chased out of the country unceremoniously. Kinda awarded the 'No-bail prize'. He was the founder and Director of the International Centre for Theoretical Physics (ICTP), Trieste, Italy from 1964 to December 1993. (The Centre has since been renamed, the Abdus Salam International Centre for Theoretical Physics). This world-class institution would have been in Pak... had 'they' not hounded out one of their 'finest jewels'. Well... 'their' loss was certainly Italy's gain. As they say, 'time and tide waits for none'. For sure!

Another (Mr. Munir Ahmad Khan - the Chairman of PAEC, and head of the nuclear program) was completely ignored and neglected as a scientist and a human being. He, who was the "God-Father of their nuclear program". Incidentally, the same female PM tried to make amends... in Dr. Salam's case. She read his 'file' - the one where the 'defenders of the faith and nation' had accumulated 'evidences' against him - and is said to have written "Complete nonsense" on it. Result? Immediately branded as a 'security risk'... and showered with the choicest 'labels'/'laurels'.

Along with a well coordinated and sustained smear campaign launched via the media, sms and e-mail. Plus word-of-mouth aka whispering campaign. 'These' chaps are 'seasoned campaigners' in the art of guerilla warfare-like tactics. By Jove! Except in the actual battlefield... where they are usually found with a bloody nose... and as a result, their 'beloved' country undergoes 'fission'. The irony being... this was the very person who introduced 'technology' in that country, in the form of computers, mobile phones and the internet... again drawing much flak from several quarters. Gave complete freedom to the press and released a lot of 'missing persons'. When she took office... the PM's secretariat supposedly did not even have a fax machine! Talk about being in the 'stone age'... ! Obviously, the 'cavemen' did not like her.

Wonder what that mild-mannered, almost dovish Gen. Colin Powell (or was it the other moderate in Dubyaman's administration - Richard Armitage... ??) meant... when he called up a certain Commando at an unearthly hour (3 o'clock in the morning!) to ask if he was "with us or not in the 'War on Terror'... and threatened to bomb Pakistan 'back to the stone age'..." ?? And why did that fist pumping Commando+General+CEO+whatever... respond with such a knee-jerk reaction... ?? They were already there... in the 'stone age'. Perhaps at the Kakul Academy they are taught only to salute and say 'Yes Sir!' to anything that moves in an uniform... anything with an US accent... !

Note: You can read my other political satires... titled: "UP, UP and (UP)AWAY... UPA Aala Re... !!!" (HERE) and "Poll-i-nation... !!!" (HERE).


E=MC2: one of the most well-known accomplishments of the Nobel prize winning theoretical physicist Albert Einstein.

More on Dr. Jekyll and Mr Hyde: HERE.

"If there is paradise anywhere on earth, it is here, it is here, it is here". Persian version: "Agar Firdaus ba-ru-i-zamin ast, hamin ast o hamin ast o hamin ast."


The dreaded 'Mushroom Cloud'... that nobody wants to see. I hope... and pray (Pic courtesy: link)


  1. Hi Roshmi....

    Fantastic post with lots of information, data and awareness....
    Sarcasm at its best.... quite comprehensive and elaborative and balanced ...
    If the blog-a-ton title was "Nuclear heap"....this post would definite win.
    I felt like reading an article in a major daily.....
    I did like this post because of my obsession with 123 agreement and other nuclear deals.
    Am happy finding someone with interest on international affairs....
    Lets see how others respond th the technical aspects of this post because starters may find it bit contemplative and brain storming...
    Keep analysing :) :)

  2. Loved the post :)
    Satirically written :)
    It’s disastrous how Pak has been wasting all his money in defence, neglecting the infrastructure, societal growth and education...Well said...Why do they need education?...If after the death, they are going to have 76 virgins...
    Well, it really shows how dread the wrong interpretation of religion could be...there is nothing hidden abt Pakistan’s popular nuclear scientist A.Q.Khan, who is also known as Klaus Fuchs of Pakistan... Really I feel pity on Pakistan after reading about their sole Nobel laureate (Dr. Abdus Salam)

  3. @ Mahesh: Thanks! Great to know that you too have an interest in international affairs. Join the club!

    Most folks may not be aware of the turn of events and/or the undercurrents involved...

    Look forward to reading some posts... from you.

  4. @ Amit: Thanks Amit! I share your views. Unfortunately, they do not seem to have learnt anything from their past mistakes (which are humungous) and even from history...

  5. Brilliant. As usual well written and well researched roshmi. I just love political satire. On the case of the virgins, was'nt it a 1000 virgins ?

  6. @ Ved: Thanks Ved! I intend to write some posts on politics and international relations... satire that is.

    P.S. As of now... it is 72. Don't give them ideas ;)

  7. @Roshmi
    Hey the comment form does not load in Chrome, i came here too often...but does not load. Verify wid blogger.

    Neways, thats an ossum post. You know, add me on gtalk, I have a project undergoing where i might need intel from you..:D

  8. very well done post... u sure knw how 2 write stuff.. now excuse me on bein so ill informd.. or mayb i guess am not vry sure .. but ot swid d 72 virgins in heaven funda??

  9. Hey Roshmi, brilliant post.. u've played with the words beautifully, the abortion of Little Boy, the smiling Buddha, Chinese Chequers et al :)Cud read jus half right now as sitting in staff room with laughing and shouting faculty around.. will rtrn 2 cmplete it :)

  10. @ Sobhit: Thanks!

    Well, according to a certain brand/interpretation of a certain religion/faith... if any of their devout followers are willing to become cannon balls or patakas themselves, they immediately gain the entrance pass... to beyond the 'pearly white gates' of heaven... where 72 young and beautiful virgins await their company. Impatiently and longingly!

  11. Roshmi,I am sorry for a delayed comment on this post.
    I must say it is a great effort that you have put in.
    I have been against it being called a is an agreement but somewhere along the lines media insisted on calling it a deal.Most of the points have been covered by friends in their comments.
    However,in my opinion,it is important to analyse as to the consequences of the agreement and if we are prepared for those.
    Indo-US agreement will bring China and Pak closer than ever before.We can take on Pak anytime.But are we ready for China?Are we ready for a combo of China-Pak? I don't think we are.
    Since after our agreement,do you feel China is becoming more aggressive towards India?Last week, a Chinese scholar went to the extent to say that India should not forget 1962.That is the other extreme of being nasty.
    A U Khan is said to have sold nuke technology to N Korea,who is not a great friend of India.Surely after our agreement all our adversaries have come together.
    Now it will be upto America as to how do the protect international interests and that may happen only if American interests are secured....The Americans care for themselves only and rightly so.

  12. hahaahahha... wot losers... n i thot all such things r entertainmnt f d less mortals on d earth.. evn up abv dey waitin 4 72 beautiful virgins?? damn dis is funny... wierd ideas ppl hv.. gota tell dem heaven ko toh rehne do yar :P :P... but chalo new thing i gt 2knw.. n hahahahhahahhaha funny ppl exst in name of faith n religion.. dis is 1thing i cant understnd,,, dhram ke naam pe mk dem nething n evrything.. evn god wud wonder wot all is hapnin jst in his name...

  13. Estranged sibling indeed... I think Big brother Sam has understood that they need India as its now a force to reckon with in International affairs... very informative and sarcastic take on International politics ....

  14. @ BK Chowla: I agree with you Chowlaji. The only interests that the 'world policeman' is concerned about... is their own. And their 'friendship' is more dangerous than their enmity. We only need to look around in our neighbourhood to realise this.

    Therefore, India needs to still remember to play 'Russian Roulette' even though it may be a little out of fashion these days. Apart from securing her relations with her other neighbours... and the oil Kings. Even the EU, the dark continent and the land of the Aztecs, etc. Plus leverage the vast pool of NRIs.

    Focus on standing on her own two feet. Discourage the mushrooming of regional chieftans internally and strengthen the 2 main parties. One should not undercut the other for petty gains. Encourage Indian corporates to buy out foreign companies and brands... apart from expanding their business' on foreign shores. All of these can act as a pressure group... if and when the need arises. The new economy should be further expanded.

    And under no circumstances should we forget or neglect the DL... even though the 'Red Fort' wants us to press Cntrl + Alt + Del. Without the DL... 71 would have been our waterloo.

    AQK is not a scientist... not for what he claims. He has been labelled thus since he agreed to play along and be part of the proliferation network. The real players have all been eliminated. We should not wind-up from the land of Gandhari... at any cost. Afterall, we love to uphold our ancient culture and tradition!

    If you study the pattern after 74... when the OIC was held and the then King of the land of horses, sand dunes and camels stopped supplying liquid gold to Uncle Sam... it is filled with 'coincidences'.

    That of a huge cull of many strong and popular leaders... in this part of the world. We need to be vigilant.

  15. @ Sobhit: Absolutely! He too has given up...

  16. @ Dhiman: :)

    Uncle Sam is only concerned about his own interests. Nothing else matters...