Thursday, November 12, 2009

Holy Cow (!).... errrrr goat... !!! (Part-I)

Curious and intrigued by the sudden appearance of a large number of members belonging to a certain class of 'fauna'... who have been given a once-in-a-life-time tourist visa to the land belonging to our long estranged sibling... I tried to put 2 and 2 together. I did not have to try too hard. Apparently, as a consequence of the daily unwanted fireworks happening there... the concerned authorities have decided to 'beef up their security'.

Why was I curious... ??? Well, as we all know... this estranged sibling of ours... blindly follow a certain land well known for its sand dunes and horses, among other things, of course. 'They' actually regard them as their brothers... but are unaware that the inhabitants of this land of the sand dunes and horses consider 'them' to be their camels.

They have an abundance of 'holy cows'... and the 'holiest cows' there sport designer boots... in order to distinguish themselves from the lesser mortals, cows included. In India, we consider the cow... to be a perfectly gentle creature... whose entire body is of some or the other use... whether alive or otherwise. Hence, we marvel at her and consider the 'cow' to be holy and worthy of worship. By a large number of us, that is. But none of these 'holy cows' are allowed to wear boots, designer or otherwise. They have to be satisfied with 'hooves' only. All made and copyrighted to and by their maker in heaven.

This 'land of the pure' also has a fascination with the 'bull'... who too wear designer boots and behave/act with all the subtlety and tact of an angry "bull in a China shop". Now, this may not be viewed too kindly by the occupants of a certain 'Red Fort'... but they have reserved their opinion so far, considering all the 'red carpet welcome' they receive.

I also read that this estranged sibling of ours... have hit upon a 'fool proof' method of dealing with the 'terror' brand fireworks... once and for all. How... ??? By sacrificing a goat per day... to please someone somewhere very high up. All goats paid for by the concerned cadets. They are now trying to patent it under the brand of 'muttoned up security'. Research is still being conducted to bring about new and improved methods... for dealing with the 'terror' brand fireworks. According to some news trickling in... this has now broken the 'species barrier' and all the chickens are refusing to fly. They have issued a clarion call to all the chickens of the world - "to Unite" - to voice their protest and lodge a strong complaint with the 'holiest of holy cow' found in the 'land of the sausage'... the United Nations. Now, the UN being a very holy cow itself... is unsure as to how to deal with other assorted fellow faunas, chicken and mutton included. Meanwhile, the chickens have refused to 'chicken out'.

Elsewhere, the erstwhile proud supermodel of the very exclusive 'Bushshirt' has opened his mouth again. In keeping with the rule/agreement that he will continue to 'put his foot in his mouth' while he loiters around a part of the world in search of other 'exclusive' shirts. Especially visiting those areas with a strong 'market economy'... for which he is being given a huge 'pocket money', since he has a penchant for wearing trousers with very deep pockets. Maybe he got bored and tired of inhaling the stale air and foul (fowl?) smell of his very smelly feet and very smelly socks and wanted to exhale. Obviously, he has never heard of 'Chlormint' or 'Mentos'. For the uninitiated, these ('chlormint' and 'mentos') are tiny contraptions which serve a dual purpose... and is designed to give maximum VFM (value-for-money). Guaranteeing fresh breath while simultaneously doing... as the later's tagline proclaims: "Dimaag ki batti jala de". Weren't you aware that all good things in life come in small packages... ??? Huh... ???

Well... this 'big mouth' said that he had been troubled by the American-controlled drone attacks on targets inside Pakistan, which began in 2005. "I said to the Americans, 'Give us the Predators.' It was refused. I told the Americans, 'Then just say publicly that you're giving them to us. You keep on firing them but put Pakistan Air Force markings on them.' That, too, was denied." So, the mystery of all that 'pocket money' and a lot of 'small change'... is finally solved... ! There is no connection with "bhagwan jab deta hai, to chappar phad ke deta hai." Which means: "when God gives it is plentiful enough to bring the roof down!" Here, one of the 'bhagwan' was THE Dubyaman's 'Voice of God'... who was all for this 'big mouthed person' to keep juggling the many hats he wore while also wearing the 'Bushshirt' till kingdom come. And considered a certain lady as 'complicated and unpredictable'... who inturn had dubbed the 'supermodel' as 'deceitful' and apparently had little respect for and was quite disappointed by his analytical skills.

This has led to other events... as per the law of "every action has an equal and opposite reaction". The 'liberated' and 'vigilant' media and activists of the 'civil society'... yes, the ones who develop laryngitis and paralysis plus selective memory plus much else... when they are dazzled by the shining designer boots. But who magically get cured and raise a din nay cacophony when 'outsiders' come in. Some turn into budding and veteran fiction and thriller writers too. I'm not sure what this 'civil society' means... or looks like. Except perhaps... anybody not belonging to this 'exclusive club' are maybe 'uncivilized fill in the blanks'.

Anyways, 'they' too return from watering their plants at the very sight of the 'outsiders and squatters'. To defend 'their national honour, culture and long tradition'. 'They' probably have a never ending stockpile of the famed "sanjivani booti" which revived Lakshmana... after he was badly wounded and nearly killed by Ravana. Mind you, 'they' are also firm believers in the existance of the "Alladin ka chirag"... aka Alladin's magic lamp and the genie residing within it. Even though the ultimate onscreen paan connoisseur-cum-owner of a patented baritone-cum-living legend failed to create magic at the box office... playing this very genie (rechristened as 'Genius')... in the movie suitably named as "Alladin". God is unfair.

(Stay tuned...)

Note: You can read my other political satires... titled:

1. "For want of that elusive Nuclear Deal... (1)" (HERE)

2. "UP, UP and (UP)AWAY... UPA Aala Re... !!!" (HERE) and

3. "Poll-i-nation... !!!" (HERE)


A picture aptly describing the title of this post. As per yours truly. What do you think... ???


  1. He! he! That was funny. I especially liked the 'muttoned up security'! How do you decide on what to write? There sure is a variety. From nuke deals to dacoits to art? Very eclectic.

  2. Oh and I love the expression on that goat! He looks positively ecstatic :))

  3. Hi buddy....

    Hey Roshini,
    Dont you have minimum sense and responsibility?
    Is this the way to write a topic ?
    This is so cruel. You should have mercy towards your blog readers . This is totally unfair.
    Your topic should have atleast some loopholes so that dumbs like me can find them easily and comment on your writings .

    Roshini....down down..... we want imperfect posts....
    I condemn her dare act.....

    Who gave you rights to write perfect posts in blogosphere?
    Show me one post without minuses?
    Which article in indian constitution tells that its citizens should write perfect blogs?
    Why do you make me to laugh at my own topics ?
    Have you ever found perfect posts in my blog?
    How dare you write perfect topics consistently?
    You should start practising imperfect blogs. If you need any advice, dont hesitate to ask me. I will definitely help you, I am adept in it. Try to learn from others too.
    Grow up Roshini...Grow up
    Show me atleast one topic in ur blog which cannot make readers dumb and awe struck?
    Show some maturity yaar......

    Thank God, you didnt participate in Blog-a-ton 4....
    Please do inform me earlier if you participate. OK ? I wont participate because i have to be busy filling your comments section with new adjectives that can match your posts. Got it ??

    Atleast, try to do some small grammatical errors, here and there. OK?

    Feel free buddy. You have freedom to commit mistakes in writing. Use it.
    Also, why do you give so much stress to your brain?

    Also, please keep your coming book price below 300. I cant borrow from my friends to buy your new book. Atleast use some sense and do some mistakes in writing book so that you can have second edition

    How come so many ideas can stay together in one brain?

    Have you ever heard the phrases
    "Sarcastic Sarcasm"
    "Queen of Sarcasm"

    sarcastic cheers,
    mahesh(bitten by the bug of sarcasm)
    Imperfect blogs association president

    PS : Please do not disturb as I am busy goggling new adjectives.

  4. thought provoking
    like the goat pic

  5. @ Deepa: :) :) I'm glad you liked it.

    Well, I just write on topics that interests me... which also reminds me that a post from you is long overdue. There! I rhymed it! :)

  6. @ Mahesh: Ha! Ha! Ha! Very entertaining and Thanks! I'm flattered! And collars up!

    P.S. btw, my name is Roshmi

  7. Another satirically written post... :)
    Enjoyed the post...:)
    And next time I wouldn't forget to have a "chlormint" before reading your posts :D... (Dimaag ki Batti Jala de)!!

    P.S. For next one month I wouldn't be regular in Blogging..Going to join DRDO soon...Would come back ASAP...

  8. @ Amit: :)

    Congratulations and celebrations... !!!

  9. Long overdue?!! The last one (for which you commented also) was on 7th Nov. One post per week is my target. So next week only!

  10. hello, back here after a long time, and realised that somethings ... things like ur blog for instance never change ... ur posts are as awesome and as superlative as ever, and they still bristle with the signs of ur domineering command over the language and the ingenious ways which u have so beautifully used to create a 'perfect' satire


  11. hi Roshmi....

    Sorry buddy...for the name thing. I did not do it intentionally :)

  12. @ Deepa: Oh! I wasn't aware that you follow the 'Amir Khan mantra' on a weekly basis ;)

    I said 'long overdue' since it was nearly a week that the previous one was posted. And just like 'a week is a long time in politics'... so is it in bloggersville too!

  13. @ Subhayan: Hey! A pleasant surprise! Hows life treating you @ BITS... ???

    Just enjoy the last of your 'salad days'...

    And do 'feed' your blog... maybe once a week. Else the poor thing's gonna suffer from hunger and malnutrition ;)

    P.S. Why don't you come up with a 55-Fiction or a 77-Fiction... ???

    A '55-Fiction' is a form of microfiction that refers to the works of fiction limited to a maximum of fifty-five words.

  14. @ Mahesh: Awwww C'mon. You need not say sorry. I was just joking... taking a cue from 'My name is Bond'... and suitably customizing it...

  15. @ Gyanban: Thanks! :)

    The sequel is out too...

  16. Where did you get that Cute looking Pic in the first place!!!! It took my mind off the post!!! :-P
    Very Very Funny!!!
    And as Mahesh said!!! Simply Flawless!!!