Sunday, November 15, 2009

Holy Cow (!).... errrrr goat... !!! (Part-II)

Author's Note: You can read the first part of this post, titled, "Holy Cow (!).... errrrr goat... !!! (Part-I): HERE.

There is a positive side to all this 'song and dance' too. It results in the increased sales of vicks, potato chips, samosas and pop corns... which are the true indicators of a vibrant and growing economy. 'This economy' usually takes the 'shortcut' and leapfrogs to giving astounding growth rate of 7%... which promptly comes down once the 'unwanted outsiders' take charge. You see, since these 'outsiders' are mere tourists... they do not know the correct routes and the right guide(s) who could show them the handy 'shortcut'. That is why... for most of Pakistan's existence 'they' have prominently displayed the sign: "Trespassers will be persecuted". Sometimes, due to the 'energy crisis' this law gets violated. But not to worry. It is usually rectified very quickly... with some foreign assistance and expertise. 'Globalization', you see!

Now, after this retired and 'moderately enlightened' P. Newton Einstein Bonaparte and sometime Commando opened his mouth to reveal some 'dark secrets'... all these worthies have gone into a collective 'hibernation'. Well, 'nothing official about it'. This IS the winter season and 'hibernation' is allowed... and 'collective' hibernation helps in the 'conservation of energy'. There! Didn't I tell you about the 'energy crisis'... ?? (Aside) You see, P. Newton Einstein Bonaparte belonged to and sat at the very peak of the Mt. Everest of this organisation-cum-empire-cum-real estate development agency-cum-conglomerate-cum-whatever. Why he sat at the very peak... ??? Maybe he wanted to enjoy the view... and get a bird's eye view. Now, this organisation is the 'holiest of holy cows' that has ever been found on terra firma... or will ever be. So, even though 'freedom of speech' may be guaranteed... 'freedom after speech' is definitely not. Any violation of this cast-iron rule... will result in the violator made to perform the 'houdini act' without his/her knowledge and/or permission.

Many retired and silver haired 'experts' crawl out of the woodwork... to enlighten the 'lesser mortals' with those flowery quotations from European statesmen whose words they undoubtedly admire but never had the courage to practise... when in service. Well, in case you didn't know, when they join service they are required to hand over their respective 'voice box'... which they get back on reaching superannuation. But are supposed to treat these 'fragile and rare box(es)' with extreme care... and use them on 'special occasions' only. And Oh! this is a nation full of book lovers and bookworms... who read the same book at the same time. Even the same pages. In case you didn't know about or believe in 'telepathy'... ??? Here's proof... ! QED.

In India, we have a proper 'division of labour'... and follow it to a reasonable extent. We have a media which knows its limits and is not allowed to 'advise' the govt./people's representatives on matters concerning appointments, etc. Nor are they allowed to go in for a lifetime's subscription of the second part of "conversation is an exercise of the mind. Gossip is merely an exercise of the tongue." Even though... 'the weight of the tongue of a blue whale is greater than the weight of an African elephant'. A certain Khan who was still in character - in his 'Ghajini' avatar to be precise - tried to join in the chorus lead by the media (also in their 'Ghajini' avatar - body double you see) in favour of a certain "crane bedi"... to be appointed to a certain position. In no time, they have all snapped out of their 'Ghajini' avatar and can recognise people and things instantly. They no longer crave for their '15 minutes of fame'.

All of them are now busy attending parties and buffets... the 'all you can eat' types... where the only dish on the menu is - humble pie. Well, since Christmas is just around the corner, there is no harm in eating (humble) pies. Especially, since this 'brand' of pies are supposedly quite tasty, too... and guarantees 'good health' and 'wisdom' as well. In India, we do not like a vacuum... since nature herself abhors a vacuum. It is also against nature. That our 'Movers and Shakers' strongly believe... 'mere trees should not be allowed to impede the progress of 'development'... is another matter altogether. We know that the media (or for that matter any institution) does not operate on its own... in a vacuum. It is owned by 'mortals' (and sometimes by 'angels') who inturn are beholden/tied to other superior 'mortals'/'angels'... and the 'chain of command' is quite long. Afterall, we are now in the middle of the 'Kali Yuga'. Hence, we believe in reading between the lines... 'coz we are fully enlightened and intelligent chaps. Collars up!

The 'flying toys' used by our 'big boys'... are used only for dropping a few 'patakas' from a height... if the need arises, that is. Since we are aware of the laws regarding Kinetic and potential energy. Plus this is a country where only physicists are given the 'all clear' to call themselves 'nuclear scientists'. These 'flying toys' are also used to carry food and other supplies... as the boys are not cows, hence fodder will not do. As well as to throw bags of rice, pulses, etc... whenever any part of this land is experiencing the entirely unwelcome phenomenon of "water, water everywhere but not a drop to drink". Which is quite often. Unlike in the 'land of the pure', that is.

Hence they use their 'flying toys' to ferry 'cavemen', 'neo-flintstones' and assorted 'neanderthals'... on a sightseeing tour. And to drop wads of paper containing objectionable, unprintable, censored slogans and materials plus doctored photographs... of a certain mother-daughter duo. The fille has been finally sent to meet her maker... due to a stunning discovery and subsequent addition to the famous 'Darwin's theory of evolution'. That the human skull/head is made of egg shells. On this side of the border, we are very clear that nobody except 'Humpty Dumpty' and the 'ZooZoos' can or are allowed to have/own/display heads made of egg shells. Period. Incidentally, 'they' are the sole copyright holders of the word 'Shaheed'. btw, this lady was the initiator of the Polio eradication drive and also put iodine to salt after several battles with the colourful beards' lobby, 'angels' and assorted phantoms... who were 'convinced' about the 'hidden agenda' of their traditional 'Axis of Evil' behind the 'facade'. We recommend a compulsory training course... that of viewing, understanding and writing a detailed thesis/dissertation on 'Namak Halaal'.

A certain bunch of noblemen... after due deliberation and much consideration, have planned to confer knighthood - for this 'path-breaking discovery'. However, the key architect of this landmark discovery/event - the very eminent P. Einstein Newton Bonaparte - is unwilling to attend the post-investiture interview. He does not like the faces of these noblemen... and is hence shooting off his mouth... perhaps after receiving the 'green signal' from the 'cowboys'.

We do not let our 'Men in Black' behave like a sugar daddy. Nor do we allow them to make numerous pilgrimages to an 'unholy land'... ostensibly to get several pats on the back. We feel... we are very capable of patting ourselves on the back, hence this activity need not be 'outsourced'. We also do not let any white men in black suits... take a keen interest in the welfare of our 'Men in Black'. They are quite self sufficient and do not require 'nannies'. Plus, we have outgrown the black and white era... both in television as well as in movies. We are also firm believers in not letting any black-coated cat cross the road and/or our path... since it is not a good omen. Being sticklers for good omens... an example being: 'Government's work is God's work'... we do not let anything wearing a black coat... walk on the road. Especially in large numbers.

And Oh! Before I forget. This land belonging to our estranged sibling is inhabited by very charitable people who have not been touched by the 'financial/economic meltdown' plaguing us. No, really! I'm serious! How?? Well... how else do several thousand nay lakhs of people not do a day's work for two whole years and still manage their home and hearth admirably well... ?? Plus all the expenses for being on the road... trying to set the world record for maximum distance covered on foot, and get into the much coveted Guiness World Records... ??? Can you imagine a similar scenario here... ?? Now... nobody can say that "it happens only in India".

Meanwhile, the 'goat' remains the ultimate symbol of 'national honour'... the highest national award/honour conferred upon civilians... across the border. So, a fist pumping, 'bleating around the Bush' Commando had told a certain lady that 'he could book her for a goat theft case and put her behind bars'. The other prominent citizen could not qualify for this... due to his penchant for nihari and paya. He was therefore sent off on a 'vana-vaas' (translates to: stay in a forest). Since forests are an extreme rarity these days... due to global warming, greenhouse effect and the like, the 'vana-vaas' was slightly modified to mean a 'golden cage'. In this case, all that glittered was definitely gold. Without a doubt!

The simple folks there also believe that the 'top man' with 'theoretical' sweeping powers is really very powerful... that too in a land where a mere sneeze from the 'top gun' results in an earthquake. Mind you, the 'top gun' only sneezes after hearing the HMV from across the seven seas. That the Chief Black Coat is 'independent and powerful'... when history states otherwise. And as we all know: 'history repeats itself'. Well, since they have mostly been dazzled by the colour - 'Black' - throughout their existance, they have turned 'colour blind' and therefore fail to recognise the mark of the 'colour revolution'. A very potent WMD usually controlled by the 'cowboys'... with great success - till date. Errrrr... isn't the chess board too made of black and white... ??? Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to 'La-la land'! Please fasten your seat belts, hold onto the railing with both hands, keep your head gear on at all times, because this is a very unique ride. Screaming is OK! Have a good trip.

(Stay tuned...)

Note: You can read my other political satires... titled:

1. "For want of that elusive Nuclear Deal... (1)" (HERE)

2. "UP, UP and (UP)AWAY... UPA Aala Re... !!!" (HERE) and

3. "Poll-i-nation... !!!" (HERE)


A picture aptly describing the title of this post. As per yours truly. What do you think... ??? (Pic courtesy: link.)


  1. That was a nice topic and well composed points (read the earlier post too!).

    Got to know you and your blog via Indiblogger. Will be frequent here going forward!

  2. @ Mohan: Thanks much and welcome to my blog :)

    Glad you liked the posts...

  3. Ha! Ha! Enjoyed it :)