Friday, December 9, 2011

Methinks ... this one is Mushy-Immy-gate! (Part-IV)

Author's note: You can read the 1st part here, the 2nd part here and the 3rd part here.

The 'land of the puree's' sovereignty or 'savarnity' (as they call it) has been violated. So horrible, no? Nope, flying and droning mosquitoes that resulted in 24 of their most precious creatures to meet their maker did not violate it. It was unfair though. How could those NATO-nic flying and droning mosquitoes do what they did without letting the valiant and vigilant PAF-fy know? And ... that too, so late in the night? Weren't those Nato-nic mosquitoes aware that the PAF-fy works 9-5? They have to worry about 'other' important matters of 'national importance' at all times and therefore they were busy 'ideating' late in the night, as usual. Haan?

It was the job of those vile NATO-nic mosquitoes to 'un-ideate' them; buckets of water and even smelling salt was handy. But that evil force 'failed' to do its job. So what can bechara PAF-fy and it's other brother forces do. It was not their responsibility and they did not fail in any way. So, no question of any resignation of anyone wearing uniform, much less the PAF-fy chief, and no heads would be rolling; though people say that this is because they have square heads. But then people say anything. Bloody civilians!

But let me not digress. Lets get back to who was responsible for this 'grave transgression' of their 'savarnity'. Questions are going to have to be asked and answered, and the culprits identified and punished.

Fortunately some ISI-certified fellas have one of the wicked fiends already in custody at Bahawalpur zoo; where he is being held under the tightest security possible and regularly interrogated (plus stared at) by a posse of security personnel and zookeepers who speak fluent monkey. No wonder Veena-ji Malik flaunted the ISI tattoo prominently (she even appeared au naturel, so that nothing else could distract from that said tattoo), and is now the tattoo's unofficial ambassador. Their strategic assets are in very safe hands, I tell you!

Nevertheless, so far 'Bobby' (as that captured fiend is now being called, since 'Henna' laid a massive turkey at the box-office) - has given little or nothing away, and is keeping mum about his true intentions w.r.t. what made him cross the border sans visa, sans permission, sans food - in fact sans anything, not even a tattoo. Apart from a very shifty look on his face, that is.

Bunches of plantains - both yellow and green - have failed to change his mind. He munches on them all right, but that is the only purpose he opens his mouth for.

The ISI-certified folks and the shining boot-wallahs are not prepared to take any risk though. They strongly feel that 'Bobby' may be just the first, part of the reconnaissance or recce team for what is in all probability a massive task force of Indian monkeys that are even now massing at the borders, stockpiling fruit to eat along the way, and bent on nothing short of total domination of the 'land of the puree'. You see they are not unaware of a certain 'Hindu' epic. Never mind that that 'Hindu' epic was written millenniums ago, much before true faiths from the land of sand, date palms and camels came marauding in.

But, you see, they cannot take any risk, only chance pe dance, especially since Hatim Tai Zardari and Ordinary Joe Ghee-lani have decided to confer the MFN (Most Favoured Nation) status to India. Bloody civilians!

It is crystal clear that 'Bobby' and his ilk will be making for their nuclear assets, and as a matter of utmost urgency they must invest gazillions of rupees in making sure that none of their nuclear installations is vulnerable to an invasion of dodgy-looking unwashed monkeys determined to get their unclean paws on pious weapons of mass destruction, and any spare fruit that may be lying around unclaimed.

Didn't the former gallant spymaster and Immy Khan's spiritual guru, Gen. Hamid Gul-badan state the same? And he should know. He has spent a lifetime dealing with plantain-chomping Bobby-s (and it is still a tie that binds).

Even the day is significant. 26th November. In 2008, when Hatim Tai Zardari talked about forging closer ties with India, there were attacks. And in 2011, when Hatim Tai Zardari and Ghee-lani decided to extend the MFN status to India, there were attacks. But they are totally unrelated, I tell you. Coincidentally co-incidental. That's all. Bolstered by the great Immy Khan and his spiritual guru's psychic powers. And whether Manzoor Ijaz-zat put on a Bong accent and imitating Pronob-babu made the most important threatening call of 2008 or not, we shall never know.

However, the monkey threat is real and ever present. Therefore the ISI-certified public service announcement is to be doubly-alert, to be ever-vigilant, to grow a colourful beard and to say Allah Hafiz instead of Khuda Hafiz. Since the former comes from the land of holy sand, tall date palm trees and pious camels, while the latter is bloody Houbara bustard Persian.

They have also asked everyone in the 'land of the puree' to rise up and look carefully around them. Is there anything that looks a bit different? Bit alien ... like equality, irrespective of caste, creed, faith and gender; or the freedom to pray or worship in whatever way an individual may wish? Or Indian TV serials and other vile Indian stuff? Somebody you thought was a decent enough chap but has well ... a few monkey-ish habits or eats more nuts and bananas than one might expect? Anybody like that close to where you live? Root them out! They are bad for the nation's 'ghairat' (honour). After all, the shining-boot-black-coat-colourful-beard-and-ISI-mark-wallahs and their cronies are the true custodians of the 'land of the puree's ghairat, since they are very 'ghairatmand' (honourable) themselves.

Naturally, the chief blackcoat-wallah will take sumo moto notice and constitute a larger bench for the hearing of the 'Bobby' case, apart from constituting a one-man investigation committee that will submit its findings and report with uncharacteristic speed and alacrity. All this while lakhs and lakhs of people languish in jails year after year waiting for a hearing; many among them having already served more time than they would have, if sentenced. Many are innocent too, implicated in false cases - out of vengeance and spite. But that is not for the chief blackcoat-wallah, his coatless fans and his blackcoat-wearing team to bother about; those lesser people will have to wait for their turn with the invisible man in the sky.

A full assessment of the monkey threat will be made in due course and the results published in Greek - even though it is now a bankrupt language. 'Talk shows' and 'discussions' would be held in right earnest and since it is a matter of their holy 'savarnity' and holier 'ghairat', respected experts, analysts, opinion holders and distributors - who are also clones of Zaid-a Hamid-a - will be invited to take part in them. Immy Khan will be a permanent fixture, of course. While Jemmy Khan would be writing op-ed pieces in foreign newspapers and magazines, since she was unable to hold a demonstration in London - protesting the heinous crime of those NATO-nic mosquitoes; 'coz, you see, they failed to drop ripe fruits on the Vanity Fairy office.

The PAF-fy and it's brother forces are keen to stop fighting their 'creations' on the western front, but do not want to stop their 'games' in Bheluchistan; they are also keen to re-open their mis-adventures in the eastern front. Their ahimsa-loving neighbour must remain extra alert and vigilant.

Why do they not want to close their swashbuckling Bheluchi front, you ask? 'Coz they are fond of the hearty Bheluchi cuisine! And it also provides a camouflage to their Houbara bustard hunting mentors - cowboys and holy sand included - to hunt for the two-legged and no-wings variety of the Houbara bustards (the ones that recently took out processions for ten days). This is the lynchpin to finally implement their grand designs on iRan; they want to change the architecture there, you see. And no pipelines. Therefore, 'memogate' has materialized out of thin air, even putting Houdini to shame, courtesy Manzoor Ijaz-zat and team. This is the 'gate' via which Immy Khan and Mushy can once again be installed you-know-where by you-know-who. All for a noble cause rather several noble causes, since Immy is also a non-profit philanthropist-cum-dry-cleaned politician with sudden skyrocketing fame and popularity. Wokey?

And it is precisely for the above reasons that the mantra of 'kruption' of specific politicians is being dutifully chanted.

So, who is working with whom? What do you think?

Parting shot: Smoke and mirrors galore!

(More later...)

Picture: Courtesy link.

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