Methinks ... this one is Mushy-Immy-gate! (Part-III)

Author's note: You can read the 1st part here and the 2nd part here.

Immy Khan we are told is fighting against corruption and has recently declared his assets.

This 'land of the puree' is so silly I tell you. Even though it was born out of a complicated C-section from India over sixty years ago, they have failed to imbibe or even learn any lessons. They are still stuck up on corruption rather corrupt politicians. The rest are as pure as the driven snow, especially the bureau-fat-cats, the holiest of holy cows that also wear shining boots, blackcoat-wallahs and bijiness-wallahs.

But while they are sweating and frothing at the mouths with 'kruption', we in India, have very prudently moved towards self sufficiency in food production and included the tasty 'bhrashtachar' - a delicious achar or pickle - as a part of our staple diet. It ensures good health too, thereby killing two birds with one stone. Unlike Immy Khan's plan of taking 'two wickets with one ball' - with the help of Mushy of course.

The two wickets stand for Mian Naraaz Sharif and Hatim Tai Zardari, while Immy is the bowler - and the ball is Mushy! You get it, right? What a great pair they make - Immy and Mushy; they rhyme too. But let me not digress.

Recently Veena-ji Malik caused a furore by 'declaring her assets'.

Umm, now that she has fulfilled the main criteria of joining Immy Khan's party, the Pakistani Tsunami by Immy (PTI), she should now promptly join it and be given a high post. Preferably co-chairperson.

I am pitching for the position of co-chairperson for Veena-ji Malik, since due to generation gap she may not have been able to 'declare her assets' as many times as the Chairperson - the great Immy Khan himself.

Btw ... though Immy Khan assures us that he has declared all his assets, he is yet to declare his black and 'White' ones. No puns. Sita Ram! Sita Ram!

He has also not told us where and to whom he has 'declared his assets' for the last four decades (at least). Including interests, dividends and bonuses, if any.

Meanwhile, Jemmy Khan has attested that Immy is not greedy unlike other politicians. Hmm. She had also attested Fatima Bhutto's ability and suitability to become the leader of Benazir Bhutto's party - in the not too distant past. She even turned journalist to further her cause.

Jemmy is now turning into a book-writer (!!) and her jemmy-of-a-book is supposed to hit the stands in late 2012 - this clearly proves that the Mayans were wrong.

It is not difficult to guess what it's contents would be; especially in light of the various books on Immy Khan that has appeared with unfailing regularity - in the last two-and-a-half years. She is also a crusader against corruption. Not sure how being the daughter of one of 20th century's most notorious corporate raider - Sir Jimmy Midas-touch Smith - she can even think of such a thing. It's more than blasphemy, I tell you. But then she does not believe in 'charity begins at home' but rather plumps for 'charity begins with home', and has apparently gifted Immy Khan at least one.

She is the fairy godmother to Julius Assange of Weakileaks fame, and he has promised to reveal the names of Swiss bank account holders - from India and Pakistan - in early 2012. After that apparently some "elites" in both the countries will have "no place to hide". This is a sure shot reaffirmation of his faith in the two-nation theory, no?

However, what Julius does not know is this: we Indians only believe in Swiss chocolates, cows, watches, Swiss knife and Roger Federer aka FedEx. We do not believe in Swiss banks and Weakileaks, only piggy banks and paableak. Ask Mamata-didi - if in doubt. Though I am (still) unable to get my head around the sudden media, FB and that little blue bird inspired Anna-hazard, followed by a sudden medical pilgrimage followed by FD-Eye in retail.

Btw, I am not sure if Jemmy too is a part of PTI ... since she has declared her assets to Hugh-ly Grant-ed among others, including Immy Khan of course; but it seems that Immy, Jemmy, the shining boot-wallahs and the blackcoat-wallahs have a common liking for certified Swiss chocolates.

Meanwhile, this Manzoor Ijaz-zat saga is becoming curiouser and curiouser. Apparently some 'P' has gotten the nod from some Arab states for toppling the Hatim Tai Zardari government in the 'land of the puree'.

Perhaps this mysterious 'P' has committed to issue as many licenses as possible for hunting the endangered Houbara bustards - with or without wings. In case you are wondering, let me tell you that some species of this Houbara bustard also walk on two legs and have been taking out processions for the last ten days. This is THE major criterion for getting the nod from those Arabian Dark Nights.

Umm, I am wondering who this 'P' could be. Not Pervez Bonaparte of the Kargil mis-adventure - I suppose?!

Wonder why he is talking about delivering himself as the New Year gift (Jan. 2012) to his countrymen? Are they unable to buy any themselves due to inflation and noise pollution? Apparently, he will also bring along Chengiz Khan - in the form of a soft toy, according to some soothsayers.

Hmm. Hmm.

But if he does return to once again "save" his country from "krupt" politicians, the Mayans will be proved right.

Meanwhile, Immy Khan's party is busy picking up 'electables' these days - an overwhelming majority of whom had been part of Mushy's disposition in some way or the other, and are essentially 'left-overs' from different parties. Is Immy Khan planning to set up a bio-gas plant next, along with another hospital - this time to treat food-poisoning cases exclusively?? All for a noble cause and in the name of non-profit philanthropy?!!

I advice the pious people from the 'land of the puree' to not bother about going for Hajj any more. It is too much of an effort. All they need to do is, circumambulate Immy Khan a few times - and be assured of eternal jannat; those keen to 'declare their assets', can do so without a worry too - 72 times.

Having said that, I must also add that his "game changer" of a party is increasingly looking like the forced reincarnation of the IJI (the Islami Jaamroodi Ittehad or the Islamic Demo-crazy Alliance) - that propped up Mian Naraaz Sharif in the late eighties against Benazir Bhutto and her party.

The then gallant army chief, Mirza As-salam Alaykum Beg, and the then super-gallant ISI-certified chief - Hamid Gul-badan (who also doubled and still moonlights as Immy Khan's spiritual guru), along with their cronies, fathered the Islami Jaamroodi Ittehad. There was no mother involved ... since all of them were pious people blessed by the Arabian Dark Nights. Yeh aandar ki baat hai!

These gentlemen went about distributing huge funds running into hundreds of millions - in those days; and this was and is still suspected to have come from the land of holy sand, notorious turbanator aka the big 'O' included. Strangely, this case is pending with their highest court for over two decades now, and while the incumbent highest blackcoat-wallah takes sumo moto notice left, right and center, he has somehow developed jaundice in his eyes when it came to this particular case. Apart from other cases pertaining to Mian Naraaz Sharif, Mian Chote Sharif of 'main nahi janta, main nahi manta' fame and other assorted holy cows, of course. For those, he has developed conjunctivitis as well.

He must visit a reputed eye specialist pronto, before he also develops bipolar vision and bypoll-ar vision (thanks to Immy and Mushy).

Meanwhile, Mian Naraaz Sharif and his party - the appropriately named Naraaz League - has approached Fatima Bhutto's (of a certain "must read" book fame) step-mother, Gheewali Bhutto, and the self-styled chieftain of the Bhutto clan Nawab Mumtaaza Bhutto who also fancies himself as "Dahesar" meaning "ten-headed" or "the one with ten heads". Frankly, this one reminds me of one of our 'epics'.

Incidentally, this Dahesar chap wrote an article titled, "Bahadur baap ki buzdil beti" (meaning: The coward daughter of a brave father) on the eve of Benazir's homecoming in 2007. Not to be left behind, fiery niece Fatima and her stepmother too made their respective 'contributions'. All of them are announcing to be mourning Benazir and claiming to be her legacy holders - for close to 4 years now (effective from the night of Dec. 27, 2007). Never mind that they accused Benazir of "stealing the Bhutto legacy" for many years prior to that, apart from regularly reminding everyone that she was "not a Bhutto" and should not be using that name, because she was in fact "Mrs. Zardari"! They seem to have suddenly realized that Benazir was very much a Bhutto - for close to 4 years now (again effective from the night of Dec. 27, 2007), and hence, are claiming to be the "real" Bhuttos too. Now Badey and Chotey Mian have joined that bandwagon. There is also talk of Immy Khan and "game changer II" - Shah Mehmood Ghaznavi - aligning with them as well; while their ("real" Bhutto's) close ties with Mushy and other forces (whose game they have been playing all along) is not unknown. Wah ji wah! Wah ji wah!! Wah ji wah wah wah!!!

Btw, Fatima of course blames her now-deceased aunt for her father, Murtaza's killing, and also pins sundry other charges on her aunt's now silent shoulders, but those who are aware of or at least are clued into the goings-on in the 'land of the puree' should be aware of Mian Naraaz Sharif's role in that saga.

Do read the following if you want to know:

1. Al-Zulfikar: The unsaid history

2. Dad who would be king

(More later...)

Picture: Courtesy link.

The Blogging Affair by Manu

Amitabh Manu is a first time author and his maiden offering is "The Blogging Affair". He however prefers to write under the name Manu and has carefully dropped Amitabh in the process. Perhaps he is no fan of millionaire-making game shows and/or big and small bees. So much for honey and money!

The Blogging Affair is a murder mystery but not in the classic 'thriller' or 'whodunit' format that we normally associate with this genre. It is also quite different from the well-received debut novel of Ismita Tandon Dhankher, titled, "Love on the Rocks". In fact, I don't recollect having come across anything like this from Indian authors past and present. And perhaps that is the reason why Amitabh had thanked me for sending him a friend request on FB (which he accepted of course); while stating at the same time that he hoped I would not change my mind after reading the book (along with a smiley).

I had gallantly (not sure if the female of the species are supposed to be gallant) assured him that though I hailed from Poschimbongo, I was very unlike Mamata didi - and suffixed it with a smiley as well, as a proof of my noble intentions.

Now, the book consists of only 339 pages; but it took me longer than usual to turn the last page. This is partly due to the fact that I was a bit pressed for time and partly due to the nature of the book.

A beautiful girl has been found dead in her bed and the cops have been alerted and they are on the job. So far so good, but there are multiple narratives vying for your attention: the inner voice (or whatever was left of it) of the guy Maithun Mehta - the prime suspect, coz he was in an extra-marital affair with the dead girl. Unfortunately he doesn't think with his gray cells, never did; his capabilities lie elsewhere, further down.

There is this game of one-upmanship between the police guys investigating the murder. Their hot and cold wars make for an interesting read, and is a classic case of brawn vs. brain. I somewhat liked this part; and there is a bit of humour too. The mystery bit though isn't deep but it does manage to hold your attention all the same, kind of. However, the bit about 'dreaming in colour' is totally clichéd and should have been avoided. Even if the author meant it to be funny or punny, it falls way short.

Next there is an anonymous blog - in reverse chronological order. The author's identity is hidden but the blog is suspected to be a vital clue as well as character, in this murder mystery.

Umm, we are not averse to feed our blog regularly or asking others (blogger friends) to feed theirs - so as to keep the blog healthy or well nourished and thereby ensuring a steady flow of traffic. However, the author has so overfed this anonymous blog, that a gift voucher from one of the ubiquitous weight-loss programmes wouldn't be a bad idea. It certainly resulted in reader fatigue. Reader meaning: yours truly.

The anonymous blogger's digressions into religion, homeopathy, education, politics, spiritual enlightenment, etc simply eat up space and bring down the pace to that of a snail. Not done. Amitabh may have wanted to share his point of views on these matters of national importance with his readers, but writing a whole book for that purpose was not necessary. He could have simply posted them on his personal blog!

Agreed they do give him precious opportunities to talk about eclectic issues, and get into saucy word plays and double entendres, supposedly to enliven the book, but the effect is quite the contrary. Maithun's inner voice with its one-track mind and too much sauciness affect you so much that you just want to stay away from 'sauce' for a while.

It becomes unfunny and unpunny after a point.

Had the plot, the storyline, the description, the execution or the writing style matched, the digressions would have been welcome; it would have been curd and rice. Then, chaat masala, pickle, pomegranate seeds, nuts and even dry fruits would have enhanced its taste.

"The Blogging Mystery" is a mix-and-unmatch. Just like curd and noodles.

Though the chapters are short, there are 69 of them, making it a nice thick book; but given that too many avoidable people this book, apart from some clunky writing, it requires a great deal of effort - to finish it.

While editing was hibernating big time, something I did not expect from Frog Books. There are so many errors - poor grammar, spelling, sentence structure, garbled lines, et al, that one would not dare think of gifting this to one's English teacher as a Christmas present.

My rating: I am going with a 2/5 for Amitabh Manu's debut novel. Despite this being the Xmas season and with New Year around the corner too, I am unable to imbibe the festive spirit and be more generous. Sorry.

With better editing and a tighter plot, apart from cutting out the ample dead wood, this one could have made for a good read, if not a great one. Though I must concede that (Amitabh) Manu is earnest, I feel he can do much better.

Details of Book: The Blogging Affair/ Author: Manu/ Pages: 339/ ISBN: 978-93-81115-39-8/ Publishing Date: 2011/ Publisher: Frog Books (an imprint of Leadstart Publishing Pvt. Ltd.)/ Binding: Paperback/ Price: Rs. 295/

Photograph: The book jacket cover of The Blogging Affair. Picture courtesy: link.