Saturday, May 30, 2009

Poll-i-nation... !!!

Author's note: Read my take on the Polls 2009: here.

Polling over and the results declared... it was time for some 'poll-i-nation'. During the polls the whole country held its collective breath... and awaited the verdict with bated breath. Everyone heaved a sigh of relief... while the vanquished had a look of utter disbelief. Even astrologers and soothsayers refused to bite the (hefty) baits... they did not want a loss of face. Or maybe did not want to end up with egg on their face! Not yours truly though, I felt that the UPA will cross 250... and cruise to safety! But, I am neither an astrologer nor a soothsayer... just a citizen mere. After 'Singh is King'... it was time for some 'poll-i-nation'... not 'aaya ram gaya ram'. We are all 'politically correct', 'polite' beings, inspite of being janta... aam... !

In the tussle between "Jai Ho" and "Bhay Ho"... "Jai Ho" came out tops. Perhaps, the NDA poll managers had not heard of the "Pandora's box". Once the box was opened everything flew (mind you I did not say 'flu') away... leaving behind "hope". Since then... "umeed pe duniya qayam hai". Therefore, no 'bhay'... only 'Jai'. No one likes to vote out of fear or for negative messages... this has been stated by all the wise sages... through the ages. People vote for 'hope', not 'doom'... certain folks need to understand this... soon.

Games of 'ruthna-manana', 'katti-mitti', 'running around in circles' and 'musical chairs' went on... and on and on. There were some birds with ruffled feathers... and some 'fair weathered' ones at that. But then... so what...?? 'Birds of a feather flock together'... !!! They can talk about the weather... much later...

From being branded as 'weak'... the Sardarji took his oath of office last 'week'. Our man(mohan) had his swearing in... along with 19 of his initial team. The next round was to be held on May 26th... a tuesday... a mangalvaar. Isn't it: "Jai Ho... Mangalmay ho"... ?!! Aur aagle paanch saal tum hi raho... ! During the swearing-in many were seen contemplating... on what could have been...

Post poll juggling and many a haggling... took place in the days that followed... with many an inch surrendered and pride swallowed. 'Poll-i-tics' certainly makes for many a strange bed-fellow! This one has resulted in a multi-party 'coalition' rainbow... !!! Both UPA and NDA agreed on one point though... that the 3rd and 4th fronts were non-existent. This is called: "Unity in diversity"... and is the beauty of (the largest) democracy.

Some were feeling shy while others were eating humble pie. It was also time to sort out the 'berth' problems... and to decide who will be at the helm. There were 'berth control' talks as well... this one could not fail... !

The DMK said: "Kya hua tera wada... woh kasam woh irada". King Cong replied: "Hum bewafaa hargiz na thhe... par hum wafa kar na saake". Then judging that the lyrics should suit the occasion... felt it was prudent to go with the song: "Ruthe huye yaar ko manana chahiye". Later on, King Cong sang in a voice very sing(h) song: "Ruth na jana"... "Dekho rutha na karo". In the end... both ran around the trees sing(h)ing: "Tunak tun ta naa"... "O saathi re, tere bina bhi kya jeena"...

Meanwhile, after having the proverbial egg dripping down their faces, Karat, Yechury, Lalu, Paswan, Mulayam and gang... have understood the funda of the golden words: "Sunday ho ya Monday... roz khao ande" and that everyday is not a 'sunday'... !!! Kabhi Kabhi it also becomes 'dande'...

'Mayajal-wati' is on a sacking spree... saab 'maya' hai! Aaj hai to kaal nahi hai....

Some were on an ego trip, others were tripping over themselves while a 'Prince Charming' was contemplating, "To be or not to be"...

A few were hit by a thunderbolt. A 'bolt from the blue'... and I am not referring to Usain bolt... mind you. Too much target practice proved to be a bane for an Arjun... while a Hans Raj had stuck his long neck out too far. Otherwise... its family time folks... no joke.

A few had to face the 'alt+cntrl+del' while others managed to 'seal it'. It was all very bittersweet. A certain Farooq was briefly out of the good book... and went off to watch the IPL in a huff. He was asked to please come back and then saab kuch maaf... "Aa bhi jaa, aa bhi jaa, ae Farooq aa bhi jaa"...

Advaniji is suffering from the 'blues' these days... and sing(h)s in a mournful tune... "Tu ne O rangeelee kaisa jadu kiya"... and ends with the inevitable... "Dil(li) ka bhramar kare pukaar"...

The DMK family 'soap opera' was fast turning out to be a 'sop opera'... the more the merrier. The 'sop' that is... and not the soap. The chubby Azhagiri was sent off to Delhi... to look after chemistry and other fertile issues... while the lean and mean Stalin became the Yuvraj. No haarj... ! Even the grandnephew... Phew! Daughter Kanimozhi too will get... at a later date. The Congress matriarch has shown a lot of 'karuna' to the DMK patriarch. Seedhi baat. Thankfully he only married thrice... else they would have had to pay an even higher price. For their support, silly! That doesn't come for free.

Baalu was sent on a forced vanvaas... without too much fuss. Strange things happen in this 'kali-yug'... even Ministries lay eggs... ! The Communications ministry was in danger of splitting into two or even three. Telecom and postal, and information technology. Just to accommodate an upset ally. Afterall, they want to be pally. The surface transport and shipping ministry too was to be redesigned and undergo a similar bifurcation. All in the interests of the nation. Singhji did not want a certain Raja... but then relented and said: Aare Raja... aaja, aaja, aaja, band baaja leke aaja...

The current count is at 79... and may reach a century. Yippie! Under one roof you have... dadalog, babalog and a baby. That is Agatha Sangma, you see... just like a happy family... ! In the Parliament one can also find some famous 'bards'... who have won the (no)bail award... !!!

Some may get to be Governors... in their twilight years. No fears. Others get an ego massage... as a rite of passage... to a ministry... to make their grand entry. Didi got the railways and will run it from fort Kolkata... no big deal, its just a small matter. Even a certain Patil renowned for his sartorial elegance... may be given a gubernatorial position... where he'll get ample opportunity to display his... well, what else... but his sartorial elegance... !

Finally, we have in place a ministry... to run the affairs of this country... the world's largest democracy. Smoothly and in peace... ?? Can't say. Lets see... India is a land of many surprises... even the meaning of 'giving the finger'... has now changed forever. If only Chappel had known...

Note: The views expressed here are entirely in good humour and without malice.


Hilarious takes on the pre-poll and post-poll scenarios - 2009 - in India.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

The Charge of the 'Gilly Brigade'... !!!

Author's note: Read my earlier takes on the IPL season 2: here and here.

The face-off was between the Royal Challengers and the Deccan Chargers. The ice cool Kingfisher against the piping hot biriyani! Also at stake were... bruised egos and tons of money. In the end... the Chargers charged their way to victory. Every thing else was secondary. Two old war horses, two wily foxes... both legends in their own right, faced each other with all their might... for this big fight. In the end, Gilly's danda made the Royal Challengers... ekdum thanda!

Kumble aka Jumbo and his team did some good bowling. They restricted the Chargers to a paltry... one hundred and forty three. With his 4-wicket spell, you can tell... Skipper Kumble showed the way... even though its usually: 'Thats the way, Mahiway'... ! Not enough runs on the board... so said the 'experts'... Gilly though had other ideas.

Skipper to Skipper, Captain to Captain... Kumble got Gilly clean bowled for a duck... Quack! Quack! It was only the third ball of the match. Then Rahul Dravid dropped a catch... which finally cost the Royals the match! It was quite a dolly... by G(i)olly... !! Symonds went on to score some extra runs... actually another 28... that sealed the Royals fate. In the end, just 6 runs... made all the difference!

Symonds perished not to the 'Apple Crumble' but to the 'hand of fate'. In the ninth over Kumble produced another wrong 'un and Symonds, going in for a pull, failed to 'connect' properly. He should start using Nokia... 'Connecting people'... !!! Sooo Simple! The ball dropped on to his thighs and on the leg stump to see his bail dislodge. Rahul heaved a sigh of relief... one so loud... it could be heard all the way to Bangalore!!! For sure.

Kallis was out cheap. Taylor's heroics too went for a six. Both had crafted a few earlier wins... but fumbled at the crucial hurdle. Ojha and Gilly got rid of the marauding Roelof van der Merwe. Dangerman Virat Kohli too was stumpted by the willy Gilly. And Virat looked so silly! Lightning quick behind the stumps... is this man Gilly. No dilly and no dally! Symonds struck twice in the 15th over... to dismiss both Kohli and Taylor... to tilt the match in the Chargers' favour.

Dravid was not at his elegant best... no jest. He tried a 'cute' shot and threw away his precious wicket... !!!

Did you know... van der Merwe is actually Roelof Erasmus van der Merwe... ??? Quite a mouthful and a tongue twister at that! After one of their league matches, his teammate Praveen Kumar while speaking about the match had said: "Aur... Van... ahhh... yeh South Africa ka jo ladka hai....." Can't blame him... Right... ?!! Pronouncing a name like that... is quite a 'fight'... !

And the New Zealander Ross Taylor is LRPL Taylor. Two initials is normal, but four is positively Sri Lankan! So I dug some more and discovered he is actually Luteru Ross Poutoa Lote Taylor. Whew!!! I am out of breath... got to get some rest! Looking at his name... only Ross and Taylor does make some sense. No wonder he is universally known as... well, 'Ross Taylor'! Leaving out the tongue twisters. Thankfully, he is not south Indian... else there would have been a lot of 'fun'... !

On second thoughts... can't we call him... Mr. Potato Chips... ?!! OK. Mr. Potato Chips Taylor... ?? Aww... C'mon Yaar! There is no bar (on it)... so far...

He was born on March 8th, 1984 in Lower Hutt, Wellington, New Zealand. 'Lower Hutt'... hmmm... wonder what would he been called if he was born in the 'Upper Hut' instead.. !! Any guesses... no???

The new kid on the block... Manish Pandey made hay... while the sun was shining... in the semis against the Chennai Super Kings. His 48 steered the Royals... into the IPL season 2 finals. In the last game before the semis... against the Chargers, he scored a century... and walked into history. An unbeaten hundred and fourteen... not bad for a lad of nineteen. He said... he has made the right choice in cricket than in a career in the Army... My! O My! Pepsi! Yehi hai Right choice, baby... Aha!!! Pandey reigned supreme and the Royals cruised to the semis. The Army's loss is cricket's gain! Ten on ten... !!!

Even 'Mr. finisher'... Mark Boucher... failed to butcher the bowlers... and fell for a paltry 5 runs. The new 'bakra' Harmeet Singh claimed his wicket... and his ticket (to fame) ably assisted by Gibbs... who took the catch. That kind of won the match! A lot rested on the 'extra padded shoulders' of Uthappa. Dappa! Dappa! Buddy! Lose some weight and get back in shape. Quick! He scored a six... hopes soared, and the crowd roared. We all thought... 'now he's gonna hit'... instead, he developed cold feet... !!! He wasted too many balls and looked very sleepy... wonder why the Royals did not play Shreevats Goswami... !!! Poor chap... he got 'bangalored' in bangalore... !

Pragyan Ojha, Andrew Symonds and Harmeet Singh struck vital blows... to put the brakes on Bangalore. Herschelle Gibbs hit an unbeaten 53 to give the Chargers a 'challenging' total... due to which they could continue the 'battle'. R. P. Singh with 23 wickets wore the 'Purple Cap' while the Aussie run machine... Matthew Hayden with 572 runs claimed the 'Orange Cap'. Kumble with 22 wickets... missed the bus aka the 'Purple Cap'... by a whisker... but became the 'Man of the match' for his 4/18 in the finals... nevertheless. There... thats some consolation. Adam Gilchrist was the 'Man of the series'. No worries! Pragyan Ojha weaved his magic, but with his 'limited' vocabulary... left everyone feeling quite 'sick'. The finals also saw newcomer Harmeet sing(h)ing his way to 2 crucial wickets and taking a spectacular catch... end of the match.

Last year's runners up lost in the semi finals... the Chennai Super Kings were Kings no more. Dhoni must be in mourning and feeling very sore. He lost the fight between the 'red and golden yellows' and the... well... the 'yellows'! Poor fellows... no halos. The last two teams in season one... made it to the finals in this one! Kumble is 38 and has the height, while Gilly is 37... which kinda makes it even. But, the younger of the two won. Suits Gilly fine... he has played like a young gun... !!! And had a lot of fun!

Much of the early focus was on the Bollywood stars: Shah Rukh, Shilpa and a Preity with the Zinta who should model for the Fanta! All co-owners of IPL franchises... mixed the 'reel' with the 'real'. But none of their teams did particularly well. Khan's 'Kolkata Knight Riders' finished an embarrassing last and thereby bit the dust. They won only three out of 14 matches and this got the King Khan's goat... and he returned to India... to Vote. The Khan returned to India early in the campaign... unable to bear the pain. No risk, no gain! Umm... exercising one's 'franchise' was more important and doesn't go in vain. Zinta's 'Kings XI Punjab' were squeezed out of the semifinals on run rate. Yuvraj turned pedestrian... and his blade fell silent. He must 'train' all the same. Else no money and no fame. Perhaps even no dame or a fair maiden. While Shetty's 'Rajasthan Royals' - the defending champions - were sixth. From first to sixth... they were truly trounced. Inspite of the "Shut Up and Bounce". In the end, the cricketers claimed centre stage... despite their 'age'. Too Old... ?? Nope. New is Silver.... Old is Gold... !!!

By the way, the 'Match referee' was a certain Javagal Srinath... a contemporary of both Kumble and Gilchrist. What a twist!!! The current coach of the Chargers... the former Australian batsman Darren Lehmann proved to be no layman... !

Ray Jennings has not lost his 'ray' of hope and is not ready to mope. The King of Good Times'... cup... err mug 'of happiness' must be runneth over... What??

(Stay tuned...)

Note: Manish Pandey's 114* was not only the 1st century by an Indian in the IPL, it was also the 2nd century by an Indian in all Twenty20 cricket. Rohit Sharma's is the other one. What's more is that it is the highest score by an Indian in all forms of Twenty20 cricket.

Some info gathered courtesy: Wikipedia. IPL stands for the Indian Premier League.

Cartoons courtesy:


A hilarious take on the IPL season 2... all in good humour, though. I assure you :)

Sunday, May 24, 2009

IPL Mantra: "Bill u bar bar"... !!!

Author's note: Read my earlier take on the IPL season 2: here.

The annual spectacle has almost come to an end... I am referring to the IPL season 2nd. We now know who are placed where... on the roster. Who came out on tops... and who are at the bottom... or rather, topped from the bottom... !!! The top and bottom performers... are all charmers. Well, thats a 'thumbs up' and a 'bottoms up'... while the top two teams are 'warming up'! The battle for the 'pole' position... in style... will be on... in a while. When it all ends, ... many will 'feel' the withdrawal symptoms... my friends!

No more fairytales... for the 'Rajasthan Royals'. This time two wily foxes... two old war horses... both retired... but not tired... two seasoned campaigners led their teams into the finals. They take on each other, today... on a sunday... this promises to be a fun day. Both these teams held the last 2 positions in season 1... and the top 2 in this one! Hope springs eternal for the 'KKR' and the 'Mumbai Indians'! Fine... there is always a next time!

There were a few 'stars'... but thankfully no 'wars'... and I really feel sorry for the KKRs. I mean they had to lose... planning was of no use. The fault was in their numerology... and the naming team owes them an apology. How could they miss out on the most 'important' fact... that their owner, the King Khan was a class act... ??? He has his own distinctive style... and he has been around for a while. How could they name the team... 'KKR'... the 'Kolkata Knight Riders'... ??? No wonder... they got some serious (k)nightmares. How could they not know that the Khan said: "K.. K.. K.. K.. Kiran"... and became a 'Baazigar'. Therefore, he cannot have a team called the 'KKR'. It should have been the KKKK KKRs... the 'K..K..K..K.. Kolkata Knight Riders'!!! Then they would have won all the cricket wars! Even the 'laptop' could not trace the 'error'. Strange! Its time for some 'revenge'...

But the Khan is smart... and won't retire hurt. There is nothing he 'khan't do... he just does not bat, but can pull a rabbit or two out of the hat. His 'hard-sell' is simply a 'no-fail'. His is the richest team inspite of finishing at the bottom... while he goes a tomtom. A la 'Om Shanti Om'! He is a free bird with no 'Karz'... !!! Koi Harj??? The sponsors pay the bill... even while all is very quite and still... on the field. Lack of 'action' does not invoke a 'sanction'... or even a 'reaction'... a la "every 'action' has an 'equal' and 'opposite' 'reaction'". The Khan says simply, with a smile very dimply: 'Aare Yaar! Bill u bar bar'... !!! This Khan 'won' inspite of 'losing'... he is not called the 'Baazigar' for nothing. There are no dearth of 'sponsors'... Yes Sirs!

One major link, they failed to notice. Tsk! Tsk! They went with "Na kiya"... written on their chest... and lived up to 'the name' and gave their very best. You see, no fault... they were true to their salt. But, they should have brought in a certain girl, who says: "Utterly Butterly Delicious"... as one of their main sponsors! With their "butter-fingers" they dropped many a dolly... mind you, not their folly. Their fingers were covered with the melted "Utterly Butterly Delicious" butter... so, how could they do any better??? Ummm... may be there is a "KKR Brand Butter"... a new 'business venture' in the making. Would be a hit and provide some much-needed 'adventure' while 'eating'. After all, the taste of the butter is in the (finger) licking... !!!

The 'Four-captain theory' fell flat... even before it took off... how could people scoff... ??? It was a stroke of sheer genius... wonder what was all the fuss??? Buchanan had too much chicken tikka and curry and therefore had lots to worry. He had not thought... "too many cooks spoil the broth"... ! Buchanan aka 'bookha naan'... as per the 'fake IPL player'... who tried his hand as a 'reputation slayer'. There are talks that he'll get the sack and won't for season 3 be back. Instead Steve Waugh... may get to inspire some 'awe'. Waugh Bhai! Waugh!

It seems, 'KKR' may bid 'Tata' to Kolkata and move to Ahmedabad. Too bad! Is it the 'Mamata effect'... or some other 'defect'.. (?)... can't say for sure... and any 'resemblance' is purely by 'coincidence'.

Lets move on to the 'RR Express'... which got derailed and failed to impress. Shilpa had crooned, "Mein aayi hoon UP Bihar lootne" in 'Shool'. 'Lal'-train and 'haathi' had laughed and said: 'Heh! Heh! What a fool'... !!! 'Ha! Ha! With us here, that'll be a shame'... !!! This is the same Shilpa of the "Shut Up and bounce" fame.

Then Shilpa went to 'Raj(kundra)asthan'... to set up her newest 'firm'. She brought in the missing 'glamour-shammer'... and thought that the other teams will now get the 'hammer'. The until recently 'contractless' 'Shetty'... 'set(her)eye' on the IPL trophy. She doled out 'contracts' galore... as if there was no tomorrow. And also shared her 'mantra' to 'trounce'...the foe. It was very simple: Just "Bounce Baby, Bounce"... By Jove!!! Like her... there is no other... she has been smiled upon by the good(y) 'Big Brother'. Name and fame she did get... on the wings of a kind of 'hate'... well, that is called 'fate'! 'Lady Luck' was not so kind... and the RR were in a bind!

The 'Sheikh of Tweak' got a peek... of too much 'fine leg'... what the heck! He failed to warn(e) the opposition... and flopped in his 'mission'. Many a times that whirlwind called Yusuf... managed to put their opponents in a soup. Their 'cheerleaders' should have been paid more... for all the 'hoola' minus the 'hoop'! The young 'Kamran'... ran through the opposition and gave away very 'kum runs'! Why the 'Skipper' did not play Smith... will remain a myth. Warn(e)ing times ahead... all got to put together their heads. That was a serious blow... 'bump ahead, drive slow'. The 'Captain' with the 'Aussie twang'... missed out on the 'yin' and 'yan' and the 'cheers' soon turned to 'jeers'. Thankfully, no tears! He remained the 'Sheikh of tweak' and did not turn into a 'histrionic geek'... !!!

Shilpa Shetty continued her 'raj'... and was treated like royalty. The 'King'fisher too has a stake... its true, not fake. Even the 'Raj'... minus the 'Taj'.

Still the 'royals'... became the 'commoners'... and lost to the very mediocre... KKR. They were 'fitted' with the 'Jaipur foot' this time around... so, failed to shoot and scoot... and managed to 'shoot themselves in the foot'. The 'coach' too seemed a bit 'out of touch'... !!! Too much of "Halla Bol"... finally took its toll.

For want of a 'shoe', the 'horse' was lost, for want of a horse the 'kingdom' was lost. Now, we all await the next 'toss'... !!! Yes Boss!


Some info gathered courtesy: Wikipedia. Cartoons courtesy:

IPL stands for the Indian Premier League.


Some hilarious takes on the IPL season 2... all in good humour, though. I assure you :)

Friday, May 22, 2009

UP, UP and (UP)AWAY... UPA Aala Re... !!!

From being (sarcastically) referred to as the 'Ulta Pulta Alliance'… to 'thats the way UPA'… 'Mamma Mia' has once again 'shown' her proven 'poll dancing' skills as well as her 'Haath ki saafai'. This is a game of 'poll-i-tricks'... my friends! Now, all the sephologists and political pundits have suddenly become 'health freaks'. They are now engaged in denial 'exercise' - doing 'somersaults', furiously taking 'U-turns', apart from doing a very special 'asana'... day in and day out… 'putting their foot in their mouth'. They have also been 'advised' to take a big pinch of salt… to cover any more fault, even by default....

NDTV, Times NOW and CNN IBN... all thought it would be the Behen... Haan ji... but 'Lady luck' said "Naa ji." Haathi roya... Barkha boli: "Ki hoya?" Haathi bola: "Rulake gaya sapna mera"!!!

They said, the opposite of 'Progress' is... 'Congress'. No great shakes... said Manmohan... only high stakes.

Aroon Purie is busy promoting a bird called 'Koel Purie'. Times NOW is trying hard... to be the Numero Uno Bard. Arnab said: "Mera number kab aayega...???" Rajdeep bola: "Tab aayega... jab hum jayega!" Arnab bola: "Jab We Met???" Then Pranoy replied: "This is not cricket... !!!"

Many, including prime mini-stars as well as cheap... oops chief ministers met their 'sole-mates'. While some received their 15 minutes of fame... others were 'caste' away! The 'tide' was strong... so, nobody to blame. Some had no faith in their 'birth stars' and brought in 'film stars' instead... to try their luck at the hustings. These days the 'film stars' are short on both luck and magic... and all went for a six! Or 'out for a duck'... (?) Well, take your pick... !

Shekhar ne TV pe bahut poll khola... but fell to the 'Shotgun'... Ooh La La! Or maybe the people voted for a Suman instead of a Shekhar... Ummm, bad P.J. Sidhuism topped while Khanna flopped. 'Boss' missed the bullseye by miles... and a Reddy was all smiles. Jaswant missed the 'sonshine'... as there was a cloudy sky.

Lok Janshakti... missed out on "Taan ki Shakti, mann ki Shakti" and fell flat. The DMK had a 'cake walk' and will have it and eat it too... the 'cake' that is... since both the 'son' and the 'sun' have risen! A Deve and a Swamy are not sounding funny... they are trying to be a part of 'Delhi Belly'...

Elsewhere, a certain P.C. played a P.J. on a 'revered' Amma… who refused to say 'Mamma Mia'. And a few numbers got 'crunched'…'Yeh andar ki baat hai'… !!!

Mallika Sarabhai discovered... this was the 'Dance of Democracy' and she was on the wrong stage... and the 'wrong' Mallika as well... so had to fail. While Varun's 'Pill became a hit'...

After the 'sonrise'... Maneka yelled 'Eureka'... in her 2nd attempt... but nevertheless, a pretty picture she did present.

Sab ne kaha: "Chal, chal, chal, mere haathi, O mere sathi, Chal le chal khataaraa khiinch ke." Haathi bola: "Chal yaar, dhakkaa maar, baand hai motar kaar".......

The 'Haathi' decided... enough is enough! It has too long a name… which changes the game... and settled for the 'Haath' ... all the same. No time for cherry picking! Haathis don't eat cherries, silly!!! So, the 'Mayajal' failed to catch the big fish... and settled for the small fry instead. It received a 'whitewash' from the 'Haath ki saafai'… and became a 'white elephant' in no time... !!! This is one clever 'Haathi'... I tell you! It felt, 'Haathi Mere Saathi' was out of tune and decided to go with the times... and realized that the 'Haath ke Saath'... was the best path.

In the fight between 'Cholbe Na' and 'Cholbe Nano'... the former won... and 'Didi' bid 'Tata' to 'Buddha'...

'Lal'-uji is going 'red' in the face while the 'Red' fort crumbled... and Prakash's Karat(e) chops failed to impress! The 'Lal train' has derailed... 'Lal'-uji zara dheere chalo.....

Amar is trying to make things 'Mulayam'... but 'King Cong' is playing rough and tough... !!!

There was a 'pawar failure' too... which prompted an emergency landing... which is immensely better than crash landing... !! There... no 'pawar play'! Hmmm... too much 'Left' do not make a 'Right'... !!!

A certain Sena 'retired hurt'... while a 'Reddy' is ever ready... for another 5 years... you see!

The 'Rampur Ki Kali' khil gayi and an 'Azam' had a bout of 'bad hazam'. The 'young at heart', Navin had a handsome win... while 'Nitish' made delicious mince meat.

The 'Babalog' may want to make their presence felt... but the 'Dadalog' are not done yet...

Meanwhile… Mr. Advani has finally understood the meaning of the 'van' in his name and preparing for his (political) 'vanaprastha'. Things are yet to be 'Modi'fied... in the lotus lane... which now does not have A'tall' leader to restore their (lost) glory and fame...

Government by remote control... ??? Its simple... one only needs a dimple!

The sensex has 'poll vaulted' to a record high... with the India Inc too giving a thumbs up. Time for all to 'sup' (together) and sort out the 'berth' pangs. Then on a 'good day' all will gather to sing(h) "Happy Berthday"... !!!

The 3rd and 4th Fronts... hardly pulled any stunts. They and the NDA proved to be a 'NPA'... 'Non Performing Asset'. Thats the way... Mahiway... Oh, sorry, ... UPA(WAY)... !

Then, Lady Luck smiled and said "Jai Ho"... "Aagle paanch saal tum hi raho."

Time for another 'High Five'... ! We know our Man(mohan) of the moment. FINALLY... "Singh is King! Singh is King! Singh is King"... !!!

Note: The views expressed here are entirely in good humour and without malice.


Hilarious takes on the Poll 2009 - in India.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Piggy-Wiggy: "To err is human, to forgive divine"... Or, is it _ _ ine... ?!!

I am back with a few more grunt(side) stories... read on...

Read my blog: "Swine Fluuuuu" and the grunt(side) stories!!! for more of them!

1. The Great Chief Vitalstatix (in the Asterix series) a.k.a. "Piggy Wiggy" is facing a serious identity crisis these days. The pigs of the world have united and are suing him for violation of copyright. According to the 'gruntvine', Vitalstatix (Piggy Wiggy) has been offered a few choices on 'humanitarian' grounds... he can grunt for a 1000 times a day to show/underwrite his affinity with his namesakes, become a 'size zero' or start walking around on his own feet... carrying his own 'considerable' weight.

Now, "Piggy Wiggy" is his nickname... an 'endearing' term (rarely) used 'affectionately' by his wife, "Impedimenta"... which unfailingly makes the great Chief go wobbly on the knees... FYI. Hence, he is extremely worried about the 'domestic' implications...

2. The Great Gauls... "Asterix" and "Obelix" too are facing a serious and unprecedented dilemma. They have been banned from hunting wild boars and feasting on them. According to the Chief Boar, Mr. Whataboar, their association, the "PIGGIS" (Pigs Grunt and Groan In Style), have approached the International Court of Justice in The Hague (the Netherlands) as well as PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) and grunted their serious reservations against this gross injustice in no uncertain grunts.

This has resulted in "Obelix" having to undergo a bout of forced dieting... he has already lost 600 pounds and can no longer be recognized or be called 'obese'... oops "Obelix". There are talks that he may be asked to change his name to "Thinelix". Other names also under consideration being: "Beanpoleix", "Drumstix", "Lamppostix", "Palmtrix", "Sizezeroix", "Slimntrimix" and "Skeletonix". The Romans are said to be rubbing their hands in glee at this 'unexpected' news! While the boars are exulting over having their "pound of flesh". Both "Asterix" and "Obelix" are said to be consulting their local village druid, "Getafix"... to get a quick fix solution.

The International Court of Justice is debating whether pigs/swines/boars fall in the same category... the US of A is plumping for the 'swines' while the Russians and the Chinese have thrown their collective weights behind the 'pigs'. The 'boars' have been left alone to get bored. The matter has now reached the coldest storage of all... the United Nations Security Council (UNSC).

PETA has taken some steps, though. They have despatched two of their famous 'wah rears' - Pamela Anderson and Shilpa Shetty to show their 'solidarity' with the boars. Both being goody 'wah rears' cum 'glad-eye-ters' will steer clear of all 'booby traps' and will cover themselves with p(f)ig leaves donated by the 'Boaring Association'. This was stated by their Chairboar Mr. Boared To Death.

Travelling to the Netherlands is proving to be a problem for the "PIGGIS". Netherlands as you know is surrounded by rivers and famous for its windmills... but then pigs/swines/boars/hogs can 'fly'... its just that their passports have been impounded, hence they are facing immigration issues. Even the (flying) Dutch Govt. have denied them visas... though they have clarified that their intention is only to further their case and not 'fight with windmills'. They are no fans of Don Quixote... after all!!! The 'flying' swines are not taking this snub from another 'flying' object lying down... and are crying 'fowl'... this has 'alarmed' the fowls/chickens greatly...!!! Even the 'cuckoo(s)' have taken to guarding their nests zealously these days... to stop 'anyone' from 'flying' over it. The red alert mentioned: "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest"... but the cuckoo(s) being a little hard of hearing... heard it as: "Swine Flu Over the Cuckoo's Nest"... !!!

3. The (k)nightmare for the KKR continues: Ever since it was discovered that a certain Brad Hodge plays for this team... all the hogs are up in grunts. Now, Brad Hodge is under scrutiny... to determine whether he makes the 'cut'... for a lifetime membership to the exclusive and elite 'Hogers Park'... as well as the by invitation only 'Grunt and Hog Club'. No 'treshogging' allowed... !

It was also found that a particularly B(r)ad Hogg had tried to be a part of the IPL season 2. This Hogg's base price was pegged at $200,000... but there were no takers. It seems that none of the IPL franchisees were keen to p(f)ork out $200,000 for this B(r)ad Hogg. Some expensive hogg, this!!!

During the second test (Second Test, 2007-08 Border-Gavaskar Trophy) against India in Sydney it was alleged that this Hogg had called the then Indian Captain Anil Kumble and Vice Captain Mahendra Singh Dhoni... "bastards". The latter being "gentlemen" refused to get into a 'grunt-o-verbal' duel with a hogg...

4. Hollywood actor 'Kevin Bacon' too have been asked to go in for a change of name. Even his restaurant... in his home town of Philadelphia, named "Bring Home the Bacon" is under scrutiny.

Bacon and his actress wife Kyra Sedgwick have (recently) lost an undisclosed amount of money in the Ponzi scheme of the infamous investor Bernard Madoff... Last heard, (his life being an open book) Kevin Bacon was quite inclined to take a leaf out of this experience and christen himself "Kevin Conned" or "Kevin Been Conned"... while his restaurant could be renamed as: "Bring Home the (Ba)Conned".

5. It has also been heard that one of the most compelling painters of the twentieth century, Francis Bacon is spending sleepless nights in his heavenly abode. He was earlier gearing himself up for the marking of the centenary celebrations of his birth in Dublin in 1909... thinking of 'pigging out' on a huge cake and blowing a 100 candles (read: stars). But, the 'Hogs and Swines Will Boar You To Death' - a grouping of like-minded hogs/swines/boars... currently residing in heaven have thrown a spanner in the workings of his plans. They do not object to his 'art'... only the 'bacon'... and he can keep the Kevin... thats no 'sin'. He has been contemplating... since he has been a 'leading light', a 'beacon' in the realm of art and paintings... to tweak his name to 'Francis Beacon' instead... then he can 'have his cake and eat it too'... !!!

6. A similar dilemma is also plaguing his namesake (the Viscount) Sir Francis Bacon... who graced this planet between 22 January 1561 – 9 April 1626, and has been playing chess and smoking the 'hookah' or the 'hubble bubble' in peace at his abode on the 'Starry Hills'... 'Sunshine Road'... Flat # 9/1626, 'Heaven Apartments'... all this while. Yes, the 'Hubble Bubble' - no modern contraption for him. Who wants to be accused of polluting the stratosphere and be held responsible for 'Ozone pollution'... after all???

The pigs/swines/boars/hogs do not mind the 'Sir'ring... as opposed to 'snoring'... the swines won't stop him from drinking (s)wine... as long the 's' is silent.. ! Only the 'bacon'... is a problem. This puts his name and famous 'work'... the 'Baconian method' on the back burner. No... he didn't bake anything silly! He prefers to walk... and never rode piggyback or danced with ladybugs... !!! Sir Francis is now consulting Aristotle and William Shakespeare on the possibility of changing it to 'Draconian method'... and whether this tantamounts to 'copyright infringement' of 'another' kind.

After a careful study... of his 'horrorscope'... he has been asked to consult the Legal Eagle Mr. Mosquito (from the "Bee Movie")... Why...??? Well... as the mosquito itself says, "I was already a blood sucking parasite, all I needed was a briefcase." The prosecution may be represented by a certain Count Dracula. Like "one good deed deserves another", one blue blood deserves another... umm... this one promises to be one 'hell' of a 'mouth watering'... fight to the finishing (neck)line... !

7. There are plans afoot to completely ban words and phrases such as: eat like a pig, snore like a pig, pigging out, pigging on, pig out, hogging..... the list is still being compiled... Oink!! 'Brand'ing actions like: peeing or spitting in public as "piggery habits" or "piggish conduct" may invoke a (porku)fine as well. These are harsh 'words'... and the pigs and its friends will 'prove' that the "(pig)pen is mightier than the (s)word"... ! The "Association of All True Pigs, Swines, Boars and Hogs" want to forbid humans from using their names... or anything resembling them... for their all too 'human' activities/actions. After all why should 'they' be 'blamed' for the actions of humans..??? Has anybody ever seen a pig or a swine or their cousins... spitting on the road... ??? Thats trademark 'human' behaviour... and they being perfectly law-abiding 'pigizens'... have no intention of infringing on it!!!

Swine flu caused by human error? According to the news on yahoo, dated May 15, 2009 and here is the link: the World Health Organisation (WHO) is investigating a claim by a researcher who said the "swine flu" virus may have been created as a result of human error. "Swine flu" - officially called "influenza A H1N1" - has infected 5,728 people and killed 61 in 33 countries. WHO cares!!!

Australian researcher Adrian Gibbs, 75, claimed the strain may have accidentally evolved in eggs scientists use to grow viruses and make vaccines. "One of the simplest explanations is that it's a laboratory escape," Gibbs, who collaborated on research that led to the development of the anti-flu drug Tamiflu, told Bloomberg TV. "But there are lots of others."

He said it could be a mistake that occurred at a vaccine production facility or the virus could have jumped from a pig to another mammal or a bird before reaching humans. India is so far free of swine flu. Looks like, "galti se mistake ho gaya"... [W(o)ink!] [W(o)ink!]

As an expert on germ evolution, Gibbs is one of the first scientists to analyse the genetic makeup of the H1N1 virus infecting humans. His analysis found the new strain is the product of two distinct lineages of influenza found in pigs in North America and Europe for a decade.

Hmmm... could this also be the 'legacy' of a certain 'flora' who 'masqueraded' as a "Homo sapien" and his 'Man Friday'... a certain Mr. Cauliflower Ears... ??? The mystery deepens... more mind chow for our in-house private eye... the very "miss_teerious" girl...!

Meanwhile, the pigs/swines/boars/hogs communities are up in armagrunts and (grunt)demanding that stern action be taken against the offenders. According to their Chief Spokeshog Mr. Hogging The Limelite, they are asking for their 'piggy-back' and 'boaring' rights to be restored... and elevated so as to be at par with that of the honourable POWs... and no pow wows to be allowed. As a first step towards this, in a kind of CBM (Confidence Building Measure)... they have asked for a change of name... from "Swine Flu" to "Homo Sapieno Error Flu". After all, "to err is human, to forgive divine"... Or is it... _ _ ine... ??? Please fill in the blanks... !!!

Last heard... the swine fluuuu to Latin America and is dancing to "Livin' la Vida Loca" (English: Living the Crazy Life). Now, the cows there are said to be a very worried lot... awaiting the countdown... "Un, dos, Tres..." !!! The chicken too are beginning to 'lose their heads'...

Note: Info gathered courtesy Wikipedia and

Cartoons courtesy:

The views expressed here are entirely in good humour and without malice.


Hilarious takes on the 'scenarios' created due to the "Swine flu".

Saturday, May 16, 2009

"Swine Fluuuuu" and the grunt(side) stories!!!

As we all know, every major incident... be it an event or an invention creates a ripple effect. These days, "Swine Fluuuuuu" is a hot topic... a p(b)ig ticket event... sweeping across this hapless planet, and leaving a trail of grunt(side) effects! And not just among humans.

Some 'possible' grunt(side) effects are listed below:

1. Fearing 'swine flu'... overanxious mothers, across the world, cutting off their daughter's pigtails. While most mothers in India making a beeline for Tirupati for the purpose. Talk about "two birds with one stone"... not any more. After the outbreak of "bird flu"... which preceded the "swine flu"... 'birds' too find themselves out of favour... even in phrases!

2. What do you do when a tall chappie a.k.a. bean pole occupies the seat right in front of you at the movie theatre/multiplex? "Elementary, my dear Watson." Just 'Cough' loudly... and then turn to the friend/partner/spouse sitting next to you and utter the words, "I must have that swine flu", just loud enough for that seemingly 'opaque object' obstructing your line-of-sight to 'overhear'!

3. Unable to book a movie ticket (?)... 'House Full'... No problem! Just 'Sneeze' and Viola! you will be the only one in the... (until recently) serpentine Q for those very tickets!

4. Taking the 'public transport' while travelling and no seats? Well, well, well, in no time you can have the entire bus/train/tram or whatever mode of public transport you were travelling in... completely to yourself. Just whip out your mobile... pretend to dial a number and say loud enough... with a tinge of alarm/worry in your voice that you are on your way to the hospital... to seek treatment for 'Swine Flu'... Just make sure that the driver of the vehicle does not put on the 'disappearing act' too!

5. Demand for 'Piggy banks' shoot through the roof: After the outbreak of 'swine flu'... banks, ATMs and all other modern contraptions deviced to park your money... safely (supposedly) have been made redundant. Thereby pushing the demand for the humble 'piggy banks' to the stratospheric level. These 'piggy banks' have been found to be burglar-proof, phishing-proof, pickpocket-proof... even the thieves and burglars subscribe to the "Health is Wealth" policy, you see! Last heard, the Swiss government has been complaining vehemently...

The Swiss had earlier approached the United Nations (UN) and registered their protest... but, the UN being a 'holy cow' itself, declined to take any action against a fellow 'fauna'...

6. Folks including little children are found to be moving around wearing masks and gloves... they are 'worried' about contracting 'swine flu' from their 'piggy banks'.

7. Extra care is to be taken while speaking... even while making small talk. If someone - a friend/neighbour/colleague/relative/acquaintance - asks a seemingly innocent question, "How are you?" A hurried "I am fine and you?" is most likely to be (mis)interpreted as, "I have swine flu." This will set the alarm bells ringing... and can even result in your job falling victim (to the 'swine flu') and 'flying away' on the wings of the 'pink slip'... !

8. Twitter/Facebook/Orkut and other social networking sites are 'insisting' that all their members reveal their 'true' identity.

9. There has been a marked decrease in the instances of riding 'piggy-back' which was (until recently) a very popular sport/activity... around the world.

10. "Beware of Dogs" signs outside homes are being replaced with "Beware of the Dog's Owner - he/she has 'Swine Flu'... Oink!"

11. The governments across the world have finally woken up and besides being busy... cutting and manufacturing red tapes... have announced the setting up of several factories to 'manufacture' flu proof piggy banks. Stringent quality standards will ensure that each one of them are fool... oops 'flu-proof'.

12. Security detail of VIPs and VVIPs (mostly self-styled) are undergoing a thorough overhaul... to make them 'flu-proof'.

13. The Williams sisters, Rafael Nadal and several other top class tennis players are in a fix... since 'grunting' has been banned during tennis matches. They now find themselves to be seriously constrained by the new law, which has prevented them from playing their 'natural' game.

14. Several reality shows are taking over the airwaves to cash in on the latest 'blockgrunter' in town... they want folks to 'grunt' their way to the top. The winners will receive gift vouchers from various pork manufacturing companies. These shows are sponsored by the major hospitals and health care centres in the country... who insist... by speaking with their p(f)ork tongues... that this gesture on their part will 'generate (be)awareness'.

15. There has been a record dip in the number of cases of "rabies" or "hydrophobia". The 'barking news' is that... in the recent 'Doggie Conference'... the resolution adopted has advised all dogs to steer clear of all 'humans' and 'swines'. Their Top dog, Mr. Bow Wow has issued a whip in this regard... and all dogs are to strictly adhere to the "Barking dogs seldom bite" rule. Since they do not have 'nine lives'... 'flying' is extremely injurious to doggie health.

16. While in the 'mouse community', they have unexpectedly discovered the perfect and flu-proof plan to 'bell the cat'... by putting up sign boards with the words, "Swine Flu" above their ratholes. This was stated by the Chief Spokesmouse Mr. Jerry. This plan is also likely to keep the 'moles' away and help them with getting on with their (No)kitty parties.

17. But, alarm bells are ringing in the 'chicken community'. According to the Chief Spokeschicken Ms. Cluck, they fear that this "swinenomena" or "swineflumania" will come full circle and hence the 'chicken community' are bracing themselves for another bout of (reluctant) 'flying'.

But, one 'particular' breed of living beings who closely resemble the "Homo sapiens" have missed this great opportunity. This breed is 'renowned' for never missing even half an opportunity... !

This breed - the 'pollt(r)icians' - especially those found in India - have missed out on the 'historic' nay 'epic' linkage between the 'swine' and the 'Varaha' - the 3rd 'avatar' of Lord Vishnu. Unfortunately, the 'poll dance' is over with the 'haath ki safai' proving to be the 'hand' that will 'rock' for the next 5 years. Had this connection been 'discovered' in time… there would have been several ABC - XYZ… leaders professing to lead the 'Varaha party'… and urging the people to come out in large numbers and vote for the 'swine' so that they could establish 'Varaha Raj' for the next 5 years. They would have promised to defend the 'honour' of the pigs/varahas, thereby 'protecting' the 'culture' of India… !!! Would have been a great 'polloink plank'… what say?!! And Oh before I forget… several newspaper/media offices would have been ransacked by now… for referring to such a 'sacred' animal as 'swine'… !!! Calling anybody a 'swine' would have been classified as an offence of the highest order... inviting the capital punishment... you see, how can a mere mortal be bestowed with the 'honour' of being at the same level as the 'holy' varaha??? Not done. The Tamil word, "Porki" (also used in the Malayalam, Telegu and Kannada languages) will be struck off the vocabulary... to pay obesience to this 'sacred' being. This will in turn result in the stalling of the Kannada movie "Porki", starring the 'Challenging Star' Darshan and Pranitha Subhash. Fearing heavy loss of revenue, in these hard times, the Producers will rechristen the movie as "Turkey". Whether the movie will hit the 'bullseye' or lay an egg or a turkey at the box-office will be known after it is released... till then the 'suspense' continues. Perhaps the "miss_teerious" girl should make an attempt to solve it... !!!

The 'Varaha Party' would also have a 'sacred' students' wing... to be christened as the 'Varaha Sena'… !!! As you know, masks have become very popular ever since the Gujarat satrap got his supporters to don them (the Modi masks). The 'Varaha Party'/'Varaha Sena' members too would wear masks… in order to look-alike and thereby bringing 'uniformity' to their campaign and identity… as well as to distinguish themselves from the 'hoi polloi', the 'aam' jaanta... pigs/varahas do not eat 'aam' you see (!)… and no prizes for guessing which mask that will be, though!

(Stay tuned!)


Hilarious takes on the 'scenarios' created due to the "Swine flu."